Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater characters
This game is fucking great. It has the right amount of perversion, action, stealth and storyline to make it a wonderful game. Somebody is gonna say "lol wtf @ perversion"... if you don't know how perverted Japan is now... you'll never know how perverted Japan is now. You see, Konami is a Japanese company. Therefore perversion is highly possible. Don't believe me? I'll give you an idea.
There is a nifty new command what allows you to press 'R1' and you can see what Snake says (during cutscenes, obviously). Well. there's one thing we must go over. EVA has some sexy fucking pixels. She also likes to make sure you can see her titty pixels. It's beautiful. Anyway, when you first meet her, she naturally has her bra on show. I noticed something was a little strange about the way Snake was looking at her... then it hit me. I pressed R1 and lo and behold! He was staring straight at her tits. You get to see other shots of her, but you'll have to play the game to find out.
Anyway, it's character description time! Note I'm not mentioning much what may cause spoilers so I'm going to go around the outside of the characters. However, I may loose myself and end up typing a spoiler, at this point you should turn back. If you don't want the game spoiled, I don't suggest reading something I'm writing.
Snake:
Snake is a hardass in every sense of the word. He's so awesome gets a name like 'Naked Snake'. God damn, he's hardcore. I mean, who else can get bit by a poisonous Snake, kill it, eat it, inject himself with some anti-venom and smoke a cigar? Not you! Snake can! It's fun going into the survival viewer and going into what I call 'X-Ray mode' (because I can't remember the name, bitch) and watching him pull off some fancy moves... god damn, even his skeleton makes me hot!
Major Tom/Zero:
OMG SPOYLA! Shut the fuck up. A change in call card isn't gonna hurt you much. This guy is fun. He's a stereotypical Brit. He thinks that afternoon tea and crumpets is a delightful tradition that more countries should partake in. Oh yeah. He knows a lot. He was a member in the SAS and when you're in a bind he says "Back in my day we had to fend for ourselves! If you can't find a condom, MAKE ONE!". Yeah, he's that kind of a guy. The guy you need around you... a real conservationist. He can be annoying, but you don't have to call him.
The Boss/Joy:
Woah, she's feisty. She kind of looks like Cate Blanchett, think of her as Galadriel... got it? Yeah. She's great. She likes to dismantle guns and (sometimes) she throws them away. Other times you don't see what she does to them... she just pockets them I think. Stealing my fucking barrel like that you bitch. That why your friends called you 'The Joy'? Is it?! YOU DO THIS FOR FUN?! I PAYED FOR THAT FUCKING GUN! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU DO WITH IT AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN IT! ...I'd also like pictures and videos all preferably on a good download host. What?
Para-Medic:
This girl wants the penis of a Snake. It's painfully obvious. She thinks Snake may have Cannibalistic tendancies... who doesn't? She saw Snake naked once but couldn't do anything... so naturally Snake said "Oh well, better luck next time." however what was going through his mind was "SHIT FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! WHY COULDN'T SHE DO SOMETHING?! I LIKE SURPRISES!". It's that obvious. I'd hit her, though. Numerous times... shame she's a granny now :(
EVA:
EVA... the counterpart to ADAM. This is the kind of girl you want to know. She's hawt and she likes to show her breasts, and she can ride a motorcycle and not complain about breaking nails! Her pixels make me moist and creamy... like a good coffee. Seriously, though. She's the only woman I've known in the MGS series to regularly show off any part of her body and not be a slut. She also wants the penis of the Snake. He so lucky :(
Ocelot:
Woah, he's like... young! And he doesn't have an annoying voice! This is incredible! The one thing what I think isn't right about Mr. Ocelot is that he's... well, annoying. I mean, he thinks he's all uber with his automatic pistols (it was in the fucking trailor, don't complain to me about spoilers, so far so fucking good!) and Snake's all like "omg no u gta b usin sum rev0lvaz mirite?" and Ocelot is all like "OMG UR RITE!" and he does. However, he's a little too cocky. That damn 'reeaow!' sound he makes (play the game... you'll see what I mean) makes you want to kick him in the fucking head. But he can play with revolvers so he's obviously awesome. I'm better, though. "HAY GAIZ! LUK AT ME I CN JUGLE!" o rly? Well I can STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING HEAD, BITCH! I own him.
Sokolov:
When you first meet this guy he's all scared and stuff and doing naughty things with fires (lololol) and then he totally creams himself when he sees Ocelot and runs away to masturbate. He is also under the strange impression that Snake is speaking Russian to him. What the hell, Hideo?! It's English! Does Sokolov have a fucking babblefish in his fucking ear? A faulty one at that! (Yes, I know why he thinks that Snake is speaking Russian, but that would make shit(tier) writing.) I mean come on... "We've got to get you out of here." "Wow, your Russian is fantastic, can I suck your penis now or later?". Prat.
Colonel Volgin:
Woah back! This is a guy you don't want to get on the wrong side of, people! He's about four times your size (unless you're Hulk Hogan) and he makes electric with his bare hands! Not only that? He likes to punch walls! And feel woman up while making electric! He's a pretty terrifying thought... y'know, if hew actually existed... it'd be scary and stuff. I mean, he's great and stuff... but damn, not somebody I'd like to get on the wrong side of. Hell, I wouldn't even want to know him! Unless he wanted to tell me how to make electricity. Then I'd be all :D
Sigint:
This guy... now he knows his guns... and his camo... and his face paint... he knows how to help you survive! The thing what made me wtf at was the fact he's black! This was a racist era and their's a black guy on your radio (No, he wasn't stealing it. Don't even bother emailing me with that one.)! However I stopped the wtf when he mentioned that he was aware of the fact he was black. I mean, if he knows, he knows about his mistakes in life mirite?! (Sorry, I had to throw in at least one black joke :( forgive me). When I saw him the first thing I thought of was "OMG NID!" but no. He's a pretty cool guy. He's fun to talk too... especially with obscure face paint and camo (I reccomend the Gako camo or naked... it's fun).
The Pain:
People complain about this guy being a hard boss... I struggled more with Ocelot! He's pretty fun, though annoying at times. I think the guy who does his voice is the same guy who did Fatman in MGS2... they sound alike. Anyway, he's kind of strange... y'know, he loves his hornets. It's fun to shoot them and watch him scream "MY HORNETS?!" and then molest himself in the water or something... his camo is pretty fun, though. I won't tell you what it does but it's fun. Especially when you're going through areas which are full of enemies.
The End:
I can't really say much on this guy... I didn't fight him. I used my Sniper Rifle (Not a spoiler, you use a Sniper Rifle in the fight anyways, nub) and let's just say he didn't do much from then on. He sleeps a lot of the time... apparantly so he can 'conserve his energy for battle' but I think he's just a lazy bastard. I'd totally kick his arse from one map to the other, but I'll never be able to test that theory out... well, I would... I could, even... but I don't have the energy to restart the game. Way too much effort.
The Fear:
Oh dear god, I fucking hate this guy. Seriously, I don't think there is a person alive who should like him. He's annoying as hell and needs to learn to stop eating so god damn much... you'll find out when you try and get his camo (That was the biggest hint you'll get and possibly the biggest spoiler). I'm pretty sure he's a relation to Vamp or is based loosely around Vamp (I know the answer to that, but I'll get emails saying 'OMG SPOYLAZ!'). They both have uber abilities... the only main difference is I enjoyed fighting Vamp. When I first fought The Fear I thought "Hey, that Camo is rather nice... I wants it!"... oh no... oh god no... if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have a problem and introduced him to my AK. Negative. I got my arse handed to me on a plate.
The Fury:
I'm on this guy at the moment and he actually seems quite fun. Something I noticed is that his comrades all have some sort of special ability... not this guy! Oh no! His ability is a (possible spoiler coming up here, don't say I didn't warn you) fucking jetpack and a flamethrower. Oh, and the ability to send flaming bats to the floor shrieking in agony. This guy looks to be annoying but I haven't had the energy to sort that bitch out yet. He also reminds me of Fatman but I haven't had the chance to hear him scream in agony quite yet... I'm sure when I hear that, I'll be able to tell you off the bat (lololol c wot i did thur?!). He's kind of cocky... and his camo sucks, so I think I'll just kill him and laugh. Plus my AK does more damage :)
The Sorrow:
Hmm... I've only seen this guy in the R1 mode. I haven't fought him (I'm not even sure if I get a chance to fight him) but he looks like he'll provide me with a good laugh if I do. He's basically this tall, skinny ghost with red, glowing eyes. He totally wants to have it off with Boss one more time (they fought together or something... I guess I know what that 'fight' consisted off if you catch my drift) but because he's a phantom, it'll never happen. Unless of course he gets a hard light drive... in which case he can be tapping that shit pretty damn fast! GO SORROW!
Something I've noticed about all the bosses so far in MGS3. When you defeat them, they explode! I don't mean body parts fly everywhere, I mean they spontaneously combust. It's kind of unrealistic... especially when you tranqued them. But hey, it's always nice to see an explosion! Especially The Fear... oh god, it was beautiful watching that bastard explode. I swear, nobody pisses me off that fucking much... and what happened? BOOM! DEAD BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE! Hey is that your penis hanging on that tree? Oh wait, you can't talk because YOU EXPLODED! HAH! I WIN AGAIN, FUCKER!
You finished? I'm finished.
There is a nifty new command what allows you to press 'R1' and you can see what Snake says (during cutscenes, obviously). Well. there's one thing we must go over. EVA has some sexy fucking pixels. She also likes to make sure you can see her titty pixels. It's beautiful. Anyway, when you first meet her, she naturally has her bra on show. I noticed something was a little strange about the way Snake was looking at her... then it hit me. I pressed R1 and lo and behold! He was staring straight at her tits. You get to see other shots of her, but you'll have to play the game to find out.
Anyway, it's character description time! Note I'm not mentioning much what may cause spoilers so I'm going to go around the outside of the characters. However, I may loose myself and end up typing a spoiler, at this point you should turn back. If you don't want the game spoiled, I don't suggest reading something I'm writing.
Snake:
Snake is a hardass in every sense of the word. He's so awesome gets a name like 'Naked Snake'. God damn, he's hardcore. I mean, who else can get bit by a poisonous Snake, kill it, eat it, inject himself with some anti-venom and smoke a cigar? Not you! Snake can! It's fun going into the survival viewer and going into what I call 'X-Ray mode' (because I can't remember the name, bitch) and watching him pull off some fancy moves... god damn, even his skeleton makes me hot!
Major Tom/Zero:
OMG SPOYLA! Shut the fuck up. A change in call card isn't gonna hurt you much. This guy is fun. He's a stereotypical Brit. He thinks that afternoon tea and crumpets is a delightful tradition that more countries should partake in. Oh yeah. He knows a lot. He was a member in the SAS and when you're in a bind he says "Back in my day we had to fend for ourselves! If you can't find a condom, MAKE ONE!". Yeah, he's that kind of a guy. The guy you need around you... a real conservationist. He can be annoying, but you don't have to call him.
The Boss/Joy:
Woah, she's feisty. She kind of looks like Cate Blanchett, think of her as Galadriel... got it? Yeah. She's great. She likes to dismantle guns and (sometimes) she throws them away. Other times you don't see what she does to them... she just pockets them I think. Stealing my fucking barrel like that you bitch. That why your friends called you 'The Joy'? Is it?! YOU DO THIS FOR FUN?! I PAYED FOR THAT FUCKING GUN! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU DO WITH IT AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN IT! ...I'd also like pictures and videos all preferably on a good download host. What?
Para-Medic:
This girl wants the penis of a Snake. It's painfully obvious. She thinks Snake may have Cannibalistic tendancies... who doesn't? She saw Snake naked once but couldn't do anything... so naturally Snake said "Oh well, better luck next time." however what was going through his mind was "SHIT FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! WHY COULDN'T SHE DO SOMETHING?! I LIKE SURPRISES!". It's that obvious. I'd hit her, though. Numerous times... shame she's a granny now :(
EVA:
EVA... the counterpart to ADAM. This is the kind of girl you want to know. She's hawt and she likes to show her breasts, and she can ride a motorcycle and not complain about breaking nails! Her pixels make me moist and creamy... like a good coffee. Seriously, though. She's the only woman I've known in the MGS series to regularly show off any part of her body and not be a slut. She also wants the penis of the Snake. He so lucky :(
Ocelot:
Woah, he's like... young! And he doesn't have an annoying voice! This is incredible! The one thing what I think isn't right about Mr. Ocelot is that he's... well, annoying. I mean, he thinks he's all uber with his automatic pistols (it was in the fucking trailor, don't complain to me about spoilers, so far so fucking good!) and Snake's all like "omg no u gta b usin sum rev0lvaz mirite?" and Ocelot is all like "OMG UR RITE!" and he does. However, he's a little too cocky. That damn 'reeaow!' sound he makes (play the game... you'll see what I mean) makes you want to kick him in the fucking head. But he can play with revolvers so he's obviously awesome. I'm better, though. "HAY GAIZ! LUK AT ME I CN JUGLE!" o rly? Well I can STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING HEAD, BITCH! I own him.
Sokolov:
When you first meet this guy he's all scared and stuff and doing naughty things with fires (lololol) and then he totally creams himself when he sees Ocelot and runs away to masturbate. He is also under the strange impression that Snake is speaking Russian to him. What the hell, Hideo?! It's English! Does Sokolov have a fucking babblefish in his fucking ear? A faulty one at that! (Yes, I know why he thinks that Snake is speaking Russian, but that would make shit(tier) writing.) I mean come on... "We've got to get you out of here." "Wow, your Russian is fantastic, can I suck your penis now or later?". Prat.
Colonel Volgin:
Woah back! This is a guy you don't want to get on the wrong side of, people! He's about four times your size (unless you're Hulk Hogan) and he makes electric with his bare hands! Not only that? He likes to punch walls! And feel woman up while making electric! He's a pretty terrifying thought... y'know, if hew actually existed... it'd be scary and stuff. I mean, he's great and stuff... but damn, not somebody I'd like to get on the wrong side of. Hell, I wouldn't even want to know him! Unless he wanted to tell me how to make electricity. Then I'd be all :D
Sigint:
This guy... now he knows his guns... and his camo... and his face paint... he knows how to help you survive! The thing what made me wtf at was the fact he's black! This was a racist era and their's a black guy on your radio (No, he wasn't stealing it. Don't even bother emailing me with that one.)! However I stopped the wtf when he mentioned that he was aware of the fact he was black. I mean, if he knows, he knows about his mistakes in life mirite?! (Sorry, I had to throw in at least one black joke :( forgive me). When I saw him the first thing I thought of was "OMG NID!" but no. He's a pretty cool guy. He's fun to talk too... especially with obscure face paint and camo (I reccomend the Gako camo or naked... it's fun).
The Pain:
People complain about this guy being a hard boss... I struggled more with Ocelot! He's pretty fun, though annoying at times. I think the guy who does his voice is the same guy who did Fatman in MGS2... they sound alike. Anyway, he's kind of strange... y'know, he loves his hornets. It's fun to shoot them and watch him scream "MY HORNETS?!" and then molest himself in the water or something... his camo is pretty fun, though. I won't tell you what it does but it's fun. Especially when you're going through areas which are full of enemies.
The End:
I can't really say much on this guy... I didn't fight him. I used my Sniper Rifle (Not a spoiler, you use a Sniper Rifle in the fight anyways, nub) and let's just say he didn't do much from then on. He sleeps a lot of the time... apparantly so he can 'conserve his energy for battle' but I think he's just a lazy bastard. I'd totally kick his arse from one map to the other, but I'll never be able to test that theory out... well, I would... I could, even... but I don't have the energy to restart the game. Way too much effort.
The Fear:
Oh dear god, I fucking hate this guy. Seriously, I don't think there is a person alive who should like him. He's annoying as hell and needs to learn to stop eating so god damn much... you'll find out when you try and get his camo (That was the biggest hint you'll get and possibly the biggest spoiler). I'm pretty sure he's a relation to Vamp or is based loosely around Vamp (I know the answer to that, but I'll get emails saying 'OMG SPOYLAZ!'). They both have uber abilities... the only main difference is I enjoyed fighting Vamp. When I first fought The Fear I thought "Hey, that Camo is rather nice... I wants it!"... oh no... oh god no... if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have a problem and introduced him to my AK. Negative. I got my arse handed to me on a plate.
The Fury:
I'm on this guy at the moment and he actually seems quite fun. Something I noticed is that his comrades all have some sort of special ability... not this guy! Oh no! His ability is a (possible spoiler coming up here, don't say I didn't warn you) fucking jetpack and a flamethrower. Oh, and the ability to send flaming bats to the floor shrieking in agony. This guy looks to be annoying but I haven't had the energy to sort that bitch out yet. He also reminds me of Fatman but I haven't had the chance to hear him scream in agony quite yet... I'm sure when I hear that, I'll be able to tell you off the bat (lololol c wot i did thur?!). He's kind of cocky... and his camo sucks, so I think I'll just kill him and laugh. Plus my AK does more damage :)
The Sorrow:
Hmm... I've only seen this guy in the R1 mode. I haven't fought him (I'm not even sure if I get a chance to fight him) but he looks like he'll provide me with a good laugh if I do. He's basically this tall, skinny ghost with red, glowing eyes. He totally wants to have it off with Boss one more time (they fought together or something... I guess I know what that 'fight' consisted off if you catch my drift) but because he's a phantom, it'll never happen. Unless of course he gets a hard light drive... in which case he can be tapping that shit pretty damn fast! GO SORROW!
Something I've noticed about all the bosses so far in MGS3. When you defeat them, they explode! I don't mean body parts fly everywhere, I mean they spontaneously combust. It's kind of unrealistic... especially when you tranqued them. But hey, it's always nice to see an explosion! Especially The Fear... oh god, it was beautiful watching that bastard explode. I swear, nobody pisses me off that fucking much... and what happened? BOOM! DEAD BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE! Hey is that your penis hanging on that tree? Oh wait, you can't talk because YOU EXPLODED! HAH! I WIN AGAIN, FUCKER!
You finished? I'm finished.
posted by Thump at 7:48 pm
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