NP: "The Maiden and the Minstrel Knight" - Blind Guardian

Now I love these guys. Blind Guardian are in all possibility my favourite band ever. Closely followed by Kamelot, Iron Maiden, DragonForce and Manowar. Now as much as I love them... I just can't get my head around this song. It begins as a nice, slow ballad. "The faithful crowd is gathered here" Sings Hansi. "Soon they will appear". Beautiful. Beu - ti - ful. "The high and mighty show up the king, is in doubts." Uh-oh... the king's pissed. Better get out of the way, he's gonna go to war on your arse! Then it hits you. I'm gonna make another paragraph for this next bit because you can't miss this one.

"Apart from this begger here, there's no one like you my dear, tasting my lips, no one but you and him" ...I see... however, I initially read that bit of the song by thinking it was the king speaking. However it isn't. It is infact the queen. Thank christ... makes a tiny bit of sense now. Still fucking confusing. If you're trying to get your piece of meat you don't say "The only person who knows how good of a kisser I am is you and that tramp over there. See him? *waves* Yeah, I'm having my jollies with him. Damn good, he is." Imagine it. Wouldn't you kill that fucking homeless bitch?

Apparantly the entire song is about a queen and the kings best knight. They fall in love and dance and sing by the fire! The most wonderful part about it is... this guy is a fucking knight! He isn't going to be taking no shit from a tramp! He's waaaaay to hardcore for that bullshit. He has his own sword, dammit! I can see it now.

Queen: Hey, I've just been having rough sex with that hobo.
King: Wonderful. I'm gonna go kill myself.
Knight: You cheating, lying, dirty son of a bitch...
King: Don't worry about it, kid. We all know... wait, what the fuck?
Knight: Err... hmm... eh... well, I was taking the anger away from you so you don't get too worn out.
King: ...hmm... very well, carry on!
Queen: Anyways, I'm gonna go wash the bits of grass and mud from my cunt. I'll see you around eight, Sir. Broadsword *wink*

It's just so wrong it makes my eyes water and my penis shrivel. Why? Think about it... who the hell would want to kiss anybody after you know they've kissed a homeless guy? I sure wouldn't. The thing is she'd have to be fucking him... unless she's a whore there is no way in hell she's going to be kissing a tramp! There is no other reason for it. I can't exactly see a monarchy which consists of a hooker for a queen standing up too long... unless it was an all male civilisation. In which case it would work bloody well. Think of how much money it could bring into the royal court!

In fact yes. I swear... I shall gain enough money, buy a private island and make it incredibly expansive. I'll get around 800 million tons of sand and make it a country. Then I'm going to invite every male to come and live in total peace and harmony. There will be only one... no. Two females. One will be the queen. The other will be my mistress. There will be absolutely no taxes. However I will whore the queen out as my personal income. It'll be the perfect test! If she tries to run off with a knight or a hobo I'll fucking rip those bitches apart and hire a new queen. Maybe I'll even get a transvestite just to make it more interesting.

If you'd like to take part in this experiment, please send me £50 via PayPal, Postal Order or Cheque. You could be fucking the queen in no time at all!

Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em.

This phrase is synonymous with the female gender. I've no idea why, because I can live with and without females. "No, Thumper. That's impossible. You're a male. Everybody knows that males can't live without females..." true. Very true, indeed my random little brain hugger. However I think it'd be a wonderful idea for you to shut the fuck up and think for a moment. Think to yourself... before you could even remember thinking. Before you even had those nasty thought processes shooting around your body. Think this: "How the hell did this incredibly attractive, intelligent young man possibly get such a homosexual fucking nickname?" simple! I had homosexual sex with Bambi when he was a boy. God damn it was great. His tight little... yes. Anyways, moving swiftly on.

I got my nickname because I wrote a rather nasty song about Thumper having intersexual relations with Bambi. God damn it was good. However many people were grossed out by it. That song lays somewhere in the midst of my bedroom. Nobody knows where it is. It is entirely possible that it realised exactly what it was about and decided to spontaneously combust. Either way, it'd be fucking awesome.

I digress. That is how I got the nickname of "Thumper". Because I wrote a song about deflowering a popular disney character. Wonderful isn't it? I get to be individual and a total pervert at the same time. Many people have sparked rumours about how it all started. One of which was that I regularly masturbated to images of Thumper laying it to anybody who crossed his ever so large member. Others said that it was a mixture of two words and many-a pelvic thrusts. I'll give you a clue of how to seperate the words apart. Divide the sililbes by two. Not that hard, is it?

Anyway, once upon a time I met a girl. This girl would change my life forever. In the same way that whore got into that stud and he turned into a total geek. I'd love to say the whole "Stud and geek" thing was an analogy I subtely used to describe myself, but I was never a stud. Now, the best way to describe this girl is the following. Taylor Rain is hot. This girl melted ice, cooked eggs, bacon, chicken and anything else you put on her ample bosom. So what did I do? I filmed her when she was in the shower, y'know flicking her bean, and all of a sudden I'm a pervert?! How the hell does that work?! I was only going to show it to a couple of friends, invite them over for a premierre show, y'know, tr00 Hollywood style. But no, because I did this I'm the worlds biggest pervert.

Psht, whatever. We had our fun either way.

Me and my friend were discussing females the other day (possibly last week at some point) and we decided that it would be a lot easier to be gay. Woman don't listen to whatever men say. All they need some of the time is a slap across the cheek. That usually straightens that bitch out. It's even more fun when you have a forty inch wang. "Hey, honey? We need to-- BAM! Wang to the chops!". However there is no social anxiety about hitting males. Therefore if I was gay I could beat the living snot out of the partner and laugh at him for being a raging homosexual. Then if it gets taken to court and I get jailed, there's a high chance I'll get done for GBH. That means if somebody makes me drop the soap - I rape them! It's perfect!

Inmate: Hey, buddy. You dropped your soap.
Me: Hey, honey? We need to-- BAM! Wang to the chops!

He'd be my bitch faster than you could say "Gary Glitter". Now, as disgusting as this sounds it's the perfect system. If the warden attacks me with his uber tazer I'll just pelvic thrust until my penis gains enough force to knock it out of his hand (Note this will all be done while he's still aiming) and then have my way with him. Why? No reason, I just think it'll be fun.

3 people have read this and 3 people have disagreed with me. You suck.

Because I fucking can.

I'm sitting in bed thinking about everything which occured today. Yes, for those non-believers of you, I am sitting in bed typing in this uber cool blog. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I also cut my wrists the other day listening to My Chemical Romance. It was uber cool because I was bleeding and shit. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I'm listening to DragonForce - Heart of a Dragon. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I also don't buy music, games, software or eBooks. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I'm the first heterosexual gay. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I shot John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Why? Because he's a terrible poker player and because I fucking can, bitch.

I had sexual intercourse with eighteen albino midgets at the same time. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I am the only man on earth ever to have sexual intercourse with eighteen albino midgets at the same time. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I have an erection. Why? Because I'm talking dirty, that's why.

I know this is probably getting really annoying now but I'm not going to stop. Why? Because I fucking can, bitch.

I am the first ever living person to ever be treated with Riga Mortis. Why? Because I'm a freak :(

Dear diary, mood: Apathetic

So I've been told that I'm a geek. So naturally I come running to my brand new blog. I'm sure this falls under the definition of "irony" but I'm too tired to check it up.

"Hey Thump." he said. "Hey." said I. "What are you actually doing up? It's 9am... you're not due up for another 5 hours at least..." he mocked. Typical. Because I don't have a job I've got to get up early? Typical. "I've been up all night. Learning TCL now." replied your ever loving narrator. "TCL? Another programming language? You know like eight of them already..." my dear friend typed. "No, I only know four. PHP, HTML, Python and now I'm learning TCL. However I need to learn C, C++ and Lua, though." I replied. Hah! That only comes to seven! "I thought you knew XHTML..?" He attempted to outwit me! How dare he! "Well, yeah, but XHTML is exactly the same as HTML only you have to capitalise the tags and close everything else off in the correct order." 'this calls for a celebration!' I thought. "Got any computers to fix today?" obviously concerned. "A couple but they're in my area. Probably just more kids forgetting that the computer doesn't support DDRAM". Once again, I outwitted him. Then he hit me with a bombshell. How could I ever live my life knowing exactly what I've been telling people? "Damn... dude, I'm telling you this as a friend. Get out of the house and away from any computers... you run your social life from the internet and you know computers intimately... I'm beginning to worry about you... you're turning into a geek..." Beg your pardon? I'm turning into a geek? "I wouldn't say that..." I replied. I know I'm not a geek. I'm too hardcore. I'm the man. "Okay, I'll take it back," thank you. "You are a geek. See your tomorrow." then he went offline.

How could I possibly carry on... I know people think of me as a "geek". I mean, I only sit at home venturing outdoors only to go to the next fucktards who tried to overclock his computer (and melted the entire system, I might add) house... but it's money... isn't it? Or maybe that's what he's trying to get at. I do nothing but learn new programming languages day in, day out, playing games, day in, day out. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am a pasty white, skinny kid. Damn... I'm a pasty, skinny geek. But I'm one hell of a fucking geek. If I'm to live up to this new title I must practice!

Quickly! TO THE MATHMOBILE!

Close your fucking mouth

Most people who know me know me as a generally angry male. I'm that guy who says "Hey, fuck you!" when you walk past me. I'm also the guy who threatens you when you walk past me and say: "Hey, fuck you!". Yes, I'm a hypocrite - but I'm a fucking good hypocrite. I was reading Robs posts on Demonbaby and I noticed one which I'd been putting off reading for a couple of days. Obese Trailer Trash, Violent Ass-Raping, and The Keanu Reeves Honorary Wooden Acting Award it's called. It hit me. Hard. It made me realise how much I truly hate it when that shit happens to me. So I decided to tell you about it.

Y'know when you go to the Cinema? How there is always that group of pubescant whores talking about how they managed to pull herpes out of their anus? The ones talking about how they managed to further the infection before passing it onto others? Yeah... them. The ones who can't shut the fuck up for more than five minutes. They piss me off all the time.

However, the only thing to piss me off more than this is those people who can't eat with their mouths shut. Those who clip and clap and moan and groan and crunch and munch for the entire duration of the film. What do they do when they've got no more popcorn? They start on the drink. They drink it until it's right at the bottom. What do they do then? They don't take the fucking lid off and drink it. Oh no! They have a straw! Who needs to actually remove the lid and pour the liquid in your mouth when you have this wonderous invention?

Yes. I hate them. I'd happily rip the heads from their shoulders and have sex with the decapitated skull. Would I be content? Fuck no, I probably just got a new breed of herpes - but dear god would it be worth it. The ability to do something like that... hot damn, something worth doing.

I had an ex once who eat with her mouth open. She eat noisily. She eat so loud that my windows would shake. She wasn't a fat girl, by no means. She was actually quite skinny... but for the love of christ, girl IT ISN'T DIFFICULT! EAT WITH YOUR LIPS TOGETHER! Yes, I realise the sexual innuendo which could come from that, but I don't care. She annoyed me. Not only did she eat with her mouth open... she somehow managed to get whatever it was she was eating around her mouth. My god, the amusement I got from her eating anything with mayonaise in it. It was even better when she was eating a chicken mayonaise sandwich. Try and explain that away. bitch!

It really makes me sick, though. The thought of hearing somebody else mushing up food to make it easer to swallow the lot and digest it. For the love of christ, I'd rather see you choke before hearing that abomination. My ears bled so much from hearing her constant *chewchewchew*... eugh, even thinking about it makes me want to puke.

I often wonder - do these people even get taught how to eat with their mouths closed? Why do I ask? I know the answer is 'no'. I wonder how long they pissed on the seat before somebody said "NOT SO FAST, KAIBA! IT GOES INSIDE THE BOWL!". Yeah, I think too much. Surely you can't blame me... it's just extremely basic analogies.

It is because of this I've decided to take action! All of us can take them on. We can destroy their forces! Here's the plan: Everytime we see somebody eating with their mouths open, no... anytime we come into contact with somebody who eats with their mouths open - we slit their throats. I would actually reccomend electrocution or even fire, but that may affect your moral. So instead of smelling roast chicken we'll see a fountain of blood! Perfect.

We shall live for the fight!

Text and Cash

Last night I decided to put all of my creative genius into practice. Every last drop of it. Previously I had collected an assortment of painkillers to ensure a lack of any headache. I sat at my desk with a single desktop light. I rolled a cigarette, lit it up and got to work. A cup of tea by my side, every painkiller under the sun and a bottle of whiskey to add to the touch. Don't worry, it was merely a display. I wondered "What could I do to become a rich, famous inventor? I'm getting some income from the Google Adsense* advertisements... but it'll be a while before I get that cheque. What's popular at the moment? I've got it!". It was then when I used the breed we know as 'Emo' (And what the Star Trekkers call 'Aliens') to my own advantage!

Self cutting blades! Touch it and you shall slice your arm open! Perfect! All I would have to do would be to attach an electrode onto it... if I made the blade out of a conductive metal, somebody could touch it. The mere touch of this actively electric blade would send such an extreme amount of electricity through your body and eventually cut your arm. Well, I suppose the words "Tear into flesh" would be more appropriate.

No... Emos won't wait to be cut open. That's just unfair. What about a cereal they could use? We already have the uber gothic "Vampire Cereal" (It's an American brand, and yes there is a Christian website condemning the use of it because of it's satanic forces. More on that little gem later on)... perhaps I could make something for the Emos? Then I remembered a photoshopped image I found on LUE a while back (If you don't know what LUE is, you don't need to know, nub.) which contained 90% added razorblades. Dammit... down once again. However, after the next shot of whiskey it hit me: Emo bread! It serves to the masses and it's useful for everybody else!

The slogan explains the whole thing. Emo bread:It cuts itself!

Beautiful! Wonderful idea! Now how to make it cut itself... in the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy (The book > The film. Anybody who disagrees sucks. I'm always right) we realise there is a knife which toasts bread as it cuts... the only problem with that is one side of the toast would be cold, and nobody likes cold toast. Sadly, I couldn't think of how to make it work. I've thought of everything. Making my own yeast and playing My Chemical Romance to it to depress it, reading out Xangas to give it the true meaning of "angst". Everything. My friend shot my ideas down in flames by saying "It could cause too much damage to yourself. Please don't try it.". Damn. If anybody knows how I could create this wonderous invention I would happily give you royalties. Please, PLEASE share. This idea doesn't deserve to be wasted!

*I mentioned gaining money from Adsense. This would be something I'd like you all to help me with. I'm short of money (understatement). I can't get a job no matter how hard I try, so I fix peoples computers by myself. At the moment there's quite a high demand but unfortunately I don't get half enough money to keep up with the medication I daily need. If I've fixed your computer remember this - your stupidity costs me money.

When I created this blog yesterday, I created it to share my ideas with others and to vent. However, upon creating the last post I noticed a sidebar. It said "Make money with Google Adsense!". Naturally, I thought "Hey, free money!", so I signed up. I was verified and was informed that people could start clicking my ads and I'd get money for it! Great! ...who in the right mind would click these ads? I'll just put them up anyways, I'll think of something.

I didn't.

So I'm asking you, my friends, my family, my fans to do me a favour and click my ads. Apparantly they suck and show up when they feel like. Don't sweat it. Click on them next time you see them on here. All it takes is one click a day. I'm not allowed to know how much one click makes me, but whatever, I get a cheque everytime it hits $50 (which according to my friend doesn't take long). Of course due to my being British - I only get around £28. I'm not asking you for more clicks, I'm asking you to click once everytime you come onto the website if you can.

Peace, love and Enemas.

And so it begins...

Welcome, everybody.

I trust you had a safe journey? Wonderful. Now, I hope you realise that what you're about to read will most likely be the most misanthropic, hate-filled, bullshit you ever read. You do? Good. Do you see that little red cross in the top right corner of your screen? Click it. No, really. Click it. It'll be fun. I swear. You'll immediately get access to every porn website you want to enter. I have your IP and happen to be very good friends with every last one of them.

Anyways, on with the reason why I created this.

Do you ever get to that point where you look at a certain stereotype and think to yourself, "God damn, I want to kill everbody who thinks they look cool."? If you do, don't worry. It's a natural instinct. It began with the goths and the trend of black clothing has carried through into the emos. I remember when Emos used to be cool. The way they dressed was great. Why? Only one band did it. Avenged Sevenfold. Now look what they did. They took leather trousers and tight black tee shirts and turned it into a scene. We currently have people who are over 14 and would be lucky to weigh a little over 70lbs. Maybe it's the fact that the clothes they where is so tight it constricts the bones and acts as a corset?

...shame it couldn't constrict a little bit more and take the lungs out with the ribs...

Now I broke up with my girlfriend recently (largely a mutual decision.) and since that happened I have had numerous death threats sent to my (seldom used) "Google Mail" account. I go out to get my DragonForce ticket with my cousin yesterday and I'm suddenly surrounded by Emos! I panick... what do I do? Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I sing My Chemical Romance and wear a purple/red eyeliner hybrid?! Little did I know I was about to lose every last drop of dignity I was ever to have. The conversation was something like this:

Emo 1: I KNOW YOU!
Me: ...what?
Emo 1: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROKE CARLYS HEART!
Emo 2: We're going to make you pay...
Me: ...
*silence*
Me: Lay one finger on me and I'll make sure you never have the need to cut your arms again, fucker.
Emo 2: YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN THE PAST! WHAT DO YOU CARE IF I CUT?! STOP JUDGING ME FOR STUPID LITTLE THINGS!

Put yourself in my position, readers. You're surrounded by Emos... let's say five. How do you actually react to that? Once I had told my cousin about it he came to the conclusion that they had a plan. The plan was to make me laugh so hard I couldn't defend myself. I think he gives them too much credit. It truly was a heart stopping moment. On retrospect I should have began singing Linkin Park or something. I'm sure that would have cheered them up.

Now lets move onto the most controversial topic currently bashing off the walls of the internet. Games consoles. The Xbox 360 was released to those who pre-ordered them the other day and already it has encountered problems. Random crashes, overheating etc. Now I hate Microsoft... but I love the Xbox. I am by no means a fanboy... I'm a PC Gamer at heart... but the Xbox is the only console which offered decent FPS games and no risk of being spammed by the wonders of "Grand Theft Auto"... I mean admit it, we all know it's the most boring, bland game in existance (Maybe with the exception of 50 Cent: Bulletproof. I swear he should have stopped rapping when somebody shot him in the jaw) yet for some reason people love it... and it is for that precise reason I refuse to buy a PlayStation 2 from a game store. I had a GameCube for a while but after I realised how terrible it was I traded it for a bass guitar.

Now, as much as I prefer the Xbox... the 360 has its let downs. For example, did you know you can only get the full experience from the new graphics engine with an HDTV (High Definition Television)? Apparantly on a normal TV it looks just like the Xbox with different games. Also, it doesn't have the power that the PlayStation 3 has. The only problem with the PS3 is I happen to know that it will never use the full power. Ever. No, really, the PlayStation 3 is too powerful for its own good. I guaren-fucking-tee you that the PS3 will sooner explode than it will use the power of it's PCUs and it's graphics engine. It's a shame... Sony stand to lose a significant amount of money if it flops. Then comes the Revolution... the forgotten child. Sporting a classy new controller in true Nintendo style (It's basically the Nes controller with extra buttons and a wireless port). What else is good about the Revolution? Other than the potential the controller has to offer? It has a fucking tractor beam! Don't take my word for it! Look at the promo shots!

http://www.nintendo.gr/_data/news/images/text/Revolution_mockup_01.jpg

Notice how the disk hovers infront of it! Notice how there is a blue sheen coming from the disk drive! Obviously the work of Captain Picard. I swear, if the revolution can go into warp drive, I will salute Nintendo and personally give Shigeru Miyamato a blowjob. Just for the hell of it.