Close your fucking mouth
Most people who know me know me as a generally angry male. I'm that guy who says "Hey, fuck you!" when you walk past me. I'm also the guy who threatens you when you walk past me and say: "Hey, fuck you!". Yes, I'm a hypocrite - but I'm a fucking good hypocrite. I was reading Robs posts on Demonbaby and I noticed one which I'd been putting off reading for a couple of days. Obese Trailer Trash, Violent Ass-Raping, and The Keanu Reeves Honorary Wooden Acting Award it's called. It hit me. Hard. It made me realise how much I truly hate it when that shit happens to me. So I decided to tell you about it.
Y'know when you go to the Cinema? How there is always that group of pubescant whores talking about how they managed to pull herpes out of their anus? The ones talking about how they managed to further the infection before passing it onto others? Yeah... them. The ones who can't shut the fuck up for more than five minutes. They piss me off all the time.
However, the only thing to piss me off more than this is those people who can't eat with their mouths shut. Those who clip and clap and moan and groan and crunch and munch for the entire duration of the film. What do they do when they've got no more popcorn? They start on the drink. They drink it until it's right at the bottom. What do they do then? They don't take the fucking lid off and drink it. Oh no! They have a straw! Who needs to actually remove the lid and pour the liquid in your mouth when you have this wonderous invention?
Yes. I hate them. I'd happily rip the heads from their shoulders and have sex with the decapitated skull. Would I be content? Fuck no, I probably just got a new breed of herpes - but dear god would it be worth it. The ability to do something like that... hot damn, something worth doing.
I had an ex once who eat with her mouth open. She eat noisily. She eat so loud that my windows would shake. She wasn't a fat girl, by no means. She was actually quite skinny... but for the love of christ, girl IT ISN'T DIFFICULT! EAT WITH YOUR LIPS TOGETHER! Yes, I realise the sexual innuendo which could come from that, but I don't care. She annoyed me. Not only did she eat with her mouth open... she somehow managed to get whatever it was she was eating around her mouth. My god, the amusement I got from her eating anything with mayonaise in it. It was even better when she was eating a chicken mayonaise sandwich. Try and explain that away. bitch!
It really makes me sick, though. The thought of hearing somebody else mushing up food to make it easer to swallow the lot and digest it. For the love of christ, I'd rather see you choke before hearing that abomination. My ears bled so much from hearing her constant *chewchewchew*... eugh, even thinking about it makes me want to puke.
I often wonder - do these people even get taught how to eat with their mouths closed? Why do I ask? I know the answer is 'no'. I wonder how long they pissed on the seat before somebody said "NOT SO FAST, KAIBA! IT GOES INSIDE THE BOWL!". Yeah, I think too much. Surely you can't blame me... it's just extremely basic analogies.
It is because of this I've decided to take action! All of us can take them on. We can destroy their forces! Here's the plan: Everytime we see somebody eating with their mouths open, no... anytime we come into contact with somebody who eats with their mouths open - we slit their throats. I would actually reccomend electrocution or even fire, but that may affect your moral. So instead of smelling roast chicken we'll see a fountain of blood! Perfect.
We shall live for the fight!
Y'know when you go to the Cinema? How there is always that group of pubescant whores talking about how they managed to pull herpes out of their anus? The ones talking about how they managed to further the infection before passing it onto others? Yeah... them. The ones who can't shut the fuck up for more than five minutes. They piss me off all the time.
However, the only thing to piss me off more than this is those people who can't eat with their mouths shut. Those who clip and clap and moan and groan and crunch and munch for the entire duration of the film. What do they do when they've got no more popcorn? They start on the drink. They drink it until it's right at the bottom. What do they do then? They don't take the fucking lid off and drink it. Oh no! They have a straw! Who needs to actually remove the lid and pour the liquid in your mouth when you have this wonderous invention?
Yes. I hate them. I'd happily rip the heads from their shoulders and have sex with the decapitated skull. Would I be content? Fuck no, I probably just got a new breed of herpes - but dear god would it be worth it. The ability to do something like that... hot damn, something worth doing.
I had an ex once who eat with her mouth open. She eat noisily. She eat so loud that my windows would shake. She wasn't a fat girl, by no means. She was actually quite skinny... but for the love of christ, girl IT ISN'T DIFFICULT! EAT WITH YOUR LIPS TOGETHER! Yes, I realise the sexual innuendo which could come from that, but I don't care. She annoyed me. Not only did she eat with her mouth open... she somehow managed to get whatever it was she was eating around her mouth. My god, the amusement I got from her eating anything with mayonaise in it. It was even better when she was eating a chicken mayonaise sandwich. Try and explain that away. bitch!
It really makes me sick, though. The thought of hearing somebody else mushing up food to make it easer to swallow the lot and digest it. For the love of christ, I'd rather see you choke before hearing that abomination. My ears bled so much from hearing her constant *chewchewchew*... eugh, even thinking about it makes me want to puke.
I often wonder - do these people even get taught how to eat with their mouths closed? Why do I ask? I know the answer is 'no'. I wonder how long they pissed on the seat before somebody said "NOT SO FAST, KAIBA! IT GOES INSIDE THE BOWL!". Yeah, I think too much. Surely you can't blame me... it's just extremely basic analogies.
It is because of this I've decided to take action! All of us can take them on. We can destroy their forces! Here's the plan: Everytime we see somebody eating with their mouths open, no... anytime we come into contact with somebody who eats with their mouths open - we slit their throats. I would actually reccomend electrocution or even fire, but that may affect your moral. So instead of smelling roast chicken we'll see a fountain of blood! Perfect.
We shall live for the fight!
posted by Thump at 8:05 am
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