Old Saint Nick.
So I've been meaning to update this for some time but I was either busy, or I'd forget clean about it. The past two days I've been telling myself to update but I just didn't get around to it - but now things are different!
As I type this it's Christmas Eve, it's 7°C with a general humidity of around 75% with good view - these are perfect conditions for the man we all know as Santa Claus to make his attack. I hear you all saying "Oh, but Thump - Santa wouldn't attack us!", well you're all horrendously wrong.
For me to explain this, we must look at our old friend from Lapland in many lights - some of which may very well disturb you to the point of insanity... but that's a risk we're going to have to take. Come with me as we journey into the darker side of "Jolly Old Saint Nick".
*Note: Thump is drinking so this post may or may not make sense*
The story of Mr. Claus can be dated back to the early days of Greece. A bishop by the name of "Myra" who was intensely generous and gave people gifts and shit, now that doesn't sound too bad, right? Wrong. He showed particular interest in three young girls who he gave stuff too so they wouldn't have to become prostitutes, wait, you still think he sounds like a nice guy? Well, now I have to educate you in the early days of Christianity.
See, the 4th century Christians just loved buggery (particularly young boys), and they liked their kids young - three young girls and a bishop? Aside from being a somewhat interesting sounding sitcom, that's what we now call "grooming"! Anyway, the whole idea of being generous stuck and some drunkard came in from ye olde pube and started jabbing off to his hooker about this bishop called "Mah... my... ny? Ny... ni... Nick!".
AND SANTA CLAUS WAS BORN!
Warning: At this point I'm somewhat drunk and have decided to make this short so I don't get into obscure shit.
Anyway, it's nearly Christmas and I've wrote this in about an hour and a half because I've been distracted.
So, as the story goes - Santa comes down our chimney and puts presents under the tree for all of those who have been good... those who have been naughty little brats get a lump of coal (it's officially Christmas - have a good one). Now, that's all well and good - they had open fires back then. Santa coming down the chimney was believable... but now we have electric and full grate gas fires, he can get down the chimney but then... then he hits a dead end. What?
He's a fucking Suliban!
Don't believe me? Explain how he can get through those grates on your electric fire? He's been genetically enhanced!
Now, I'm going to finish off the rest of the beer in my fridge, read over this tomorrow and cringe.
Good night to you all.
As I type this it's Christmas Eve, it's 7°C with a general humidity of around 75% with good view - these are perfect conditions for the man we all know as Santa Claus to make his attack. I hear you all saying "Oh, but Thump - Santa wouldn't attack us!", well you're all horrendously wrong.
For me to explain this, we must look at our old friend from Lapland in many lights - some of which may very well disturb you to the point of insanity... but that's a risk we're going to have to take. Come with me as we journey into the darker side of "Jolly Old Saint Nick".
*Note: Thump is drinking so this post may or may not make sense*
The story of Mr. Claus can be dated back to the early days of Greece. A bishop by the name of "Myra" who was intensely generous and gave people gifts and shit, now that doesn't sound too bad, right? Wrong. He showed particular interest in three young girls who he gave stuff too so they wouldn't have to become prostitutes, wait, you still think he sounds like a nice guy? Well, now I have to educate you in the early days of Christianity.
See, the 4th century Christians just loved buggery (particularly young boys), and they liked their kids young - three young girls and a bishop? Aside from being a somewhat interesting sounding sitcom, that's what we now call "grooming"! Anyway, the whole idea of being generous stuck and some drunkard came in from ye olde pube and started jabbing off to his hooker about this bishop called "Mah... my... ny? Ny... ni... Nick!".
AND SANTA CLAUS WAS BORN!
Warning: At this point I'm somewhat drunk and have decided to make this short so I don't get into obscure shit.
Anyway, it's nearly Christmas and I've wrote this in about an hour and a half because I've been distracted.
So, as the story goes - Santa comes down our chimney and puts presents under the tree for all of those who have been good... those who have been naughty little brats get a lump of coal (it's officially Christmas - have a good one). Now, that's all well and good - they had open fires back then. Santa coming down the chimney was believable... but now we have electric and full grate gas fires, he can get down the chimney but then... then he hits a dead end. What?
He's a fucking Suliban!
Don't believe me? Explain how he can get through those grates on your electric fire? He's been genetically enhanced!
Now, I'm going to finish off the rest of the beer in my fridge, read over this tomorrow and cringe.
Good night to you all.
posted by Thump at 9:50 pm
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