Secrets of Sexual Seduction! (21/10/07)
So, a while ago, on a website that does not exist somebody discovered a rather amusing eBay article. "THE SECRETS OF INVISIBILITY!" or something to that effect. Much laughter ensued, and even more laughter as some idiot payed the $25 for it... but it came with bonuses! Yay! Eight eBooks in total, one of which about the true, undisputed facts of invisibility, six about sex, and one about talking to animals. Now, we won't bother with Invisibility, simply because... well, because it's physically impossible. We also won't talk about the Dr. Dolittle shit because... well, because it's absolute shit.
However! The true unedited secrets of sexual seduction can not be hidden from our mortal, material plain! Oh no!
With my internet down, and boredom ensuing, I have decided to dig around my eBook folder (and even organise my musical eBook folder! Which currently stands at 83.6MB...) and I came across a folder named "INVISIBLE MAGIC"... the fuck? Oh, I remember! To hell with it, I've got about four hours to waste before doing nothing, why the hell not? So, though I had every intention to read (and even teach!) myself the secrets of invisibility, I noticed the Secrets of Sexual Seduction!
I read it, o my brothers. I read it good.
I wasted a good hour or so reading the history of mankind (no joke, it's about half of the .txt file) and eventually began trying to gouge my eyes out with my USB drive. I skipped the rest of it. Anyway, I came to the nitty gritty stuff, about how to pick up women and fuck them!
Now, what I propose to do is to actually break down the parts of it that made me laugh, exclaim 'what the fuck?' and even contemplate gouging said eyes out with a USB drive. Bit... by fucking bit. Don't worry, I've only read about three quarters of it, so I'm probably just going to skim the rest of this particular one (remember, there's five more .txt files which may or may not be promptly deleted, I might actually consider keeping them on my hard drive, wasting my valuable bytes).
...And so began the torment.
At this point in the 'story', the idiot (the author) has talked about how women came to have flexible pelvis' and how new borns have flexible skulls (apparantly to prevent against Darwin's theory of 'natural selection' which is essentially people dying of natural causes [IE: Childbirth, cancer, flu, excessive drug use etc.]) and so forth. It talks about evolution and genetics, how we have had our positive traits passed down to our offspring through generations.
Please note: I have not done any research for any of this, nor do I intend to. It's a fucking blog, get over it.
But if natural selection can be held accountable for squishy-headed babies
and flexible female pelvis's, women’s orgasms and outright refusal of sexual
advances... what beneficial traits could men bring to the table to increase
survival of the new human species? There were 7.
Color blindness, left handedness, baldness, difference of height, difference
of hair & skin colors, homosexuality and artistic ability.
That's right. Colour blindness is a positive trait. As is being left handed (Which proves Hitler wrong, apparantly), being bald, being of a different height, hair and skin colours and that's right, even homosexuality and artistic ability is a positive trait! Now, I can see how artistic ability is a positive trait... without it, we wouldn't have developed language (unless you consider a series of grunts language), art, music or anything else for that matter. Until this point, I was actually taking this pretty seriously... or at least trying to.
Now, according to the idiots theory, the colour blind (which is considered a disability in todays society) can see what people [who see colour fine] can't! Genius! Apparantly, the colour blind man who sees blues and/or greens as shades of grey, can see the animal they're hunting fine! Haha!
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
The left handedness helps because not all of the spears/rocks will be thrown by a right hand! Clever shit is at work! That means that the Deer won't be able to escape the barrage of spears/rocks coming from both RIGHT and LEFT hands!
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
The Baldness helps in the way that the Deer becomes familliar with those funny, two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads (This was almost word for word), and they associate those two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads with death, naturally. However, the Deer doesn't understand that, although it's the same two legged mammal with the same pumpkin shaped head that it might kill it! Because he's bald, you see.
Difference of height is a positivie trait because all the arrows will be thrown at different heights! Because humans could never (we still can't, you know?) aim our arrows and spears. The tall guy throws his spear just over the top of the Deer, the short guy throws it just underneath the Deer! What about the guy who is around average height? He gets the kill, apparantly.
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
Homosexuality... hah, this is a good one. He's the only one out of the hunting party who has a 'favourite rock' for a start, and how is homosexuality a positive trait? I love this bit, personally. Because the fag has no kids to provide for! ...instead he has probably one of the largest families known to the primitave human race. So what he kills, he is then forced to share out between his brother who has a shitload of kids, his sister who just can't keep her legs shut, his mother (his father died last winter due to a fever) and all the old people who can't hunt (and of course the artists and priests who are even faggier than the actual homosexual guy).
Artistic ability was already covered in the first paragraph on this section and I'm not typing up more than I have to.
Women are everywhere but some men complain that they can’t find women to
date. Maybe he works in a small office or lives in a small town or only has
a small circle he travels in and women aren't around. These men are dead
wrong.
This is wrong, there is absolutely no woman in my room right now, therefore women are not everywhere, as is pointed out in this eBook.
He thinks ‘She's so good looking that she must have a boyfriend. She must
have endless dates. She wouldn't be interested in a guy like me. She'll
say no and I'll be playing the fool again.’ So he watches her walk away and
does nothing.
The pain and fear of rejection stops some men from trying and the dream
becomes the reality. She won't say yes because he never asked her.
at stake.", see the difference?
For this next part, I don't think I'll comment (unless it's due) because... well, just fucking read it. If any man does this, he's whipped beyond imagination and has a universally sized thumb print slap bang in the middle of his forehead. It's also interesting to note that this is where I stopped reading.
WARNING: WALL OF FUCKING TEXT
TIPS FOR A BETTER HOME:
Maybe it's time to move. If you live in a bad section of town or your
apartment is a hole, look around town and try to find nicer digs. If she
has to worry about her car parked outside, she may worry about you too.
Buy 2 bottles of wine, one white and one red and keep them in your (clean)
refrigerator for her. Have a few bottles of water in the fridge, too.
Put a small bowl of apples on the kitchen table.
Get 1 or 2 nice houseplants and don't let them die.
Buy a box of tampons and a box of feminine napkins. Sooner or later a woman
will need them. Buy condoms.
Buy a few vanilla candles and light them before you go out.
Use light bulbs no brighter than 60 watts and a couple of table lamps at 40
watts are even better. Overhead lights are to be avoided. You don’t want
her to think she's visiting a hospital.
Take down any picture, poster or wall hanging that has a nude woman or
fashion model on it. It’s your home, not a college dorm. For that matter,
take down any picture or poster that's not professionally framed. If you
really like it, have it framed.
Buy a CD that's a compilation of slow instrumental pieces and have it ready
to play at low volume.
If your windows don't have shades or curtains get them and put them up. She
won't take off her clothes in front of open windows.
Buy 2 new bathrobes, a dark color for you and bright white for her. She'll
know that hers is clean by the brightness of it.
Get a clean trashcan for the kitchen that has a lid. Empty it daily.
Put a waste can in the bathroom and keep it empty.
Have a few bars of unwrapped soap ready near the shower.
Buy a new toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste and keep them in your
bathroom, unopened and ready for her.
If you have a home office, straighten it out. Buy a plastic organizer and
file those papers away and put them all out of sight.
If you have a cat, empty that cat box and buy some rug deodorizer. That cat
has pissed in every corner of every room and you know it.
If you have a dog, shampoo it. Old Red smells like crap.
All of your clothes are on hangers or folded away in drawers. No
exceptions.
Clean every mirror, every faucet and wash any floor that doesn't have a
carpet on it.
If you smoke, keep only one ashtray and throw the others away. Buy vanilla
air freshener and use it.
Open every window and let fresh air in at every opportunity.
Get a clothes hamper with a lid and use it. If it's been worn and it’s
dirty, it's in the hamper. No exceptions.
If you have an aquarium make sure there’s no dead fish and no algae growing
on the glass.
If you have pet mice, hamsters, gerbils or a pet snake get rid of them!
They stink and most women think they're creepy.
Clean your coffee pot and have coffee ready to brew.
Buy a small collection of flavored teas. Most women love tea.
Buy a small bag of Hershey’s kisses and keep them in the freezer. Women
LOVE chocolate! Thaw as needed.
Hide all pornography & adult videos. Really hide them. No woman wants to
look for her shoe under your bed and find your sticky smut.
Paint the walls and ceilings. Take down a picture off the wall and take a
look. If there's a shadow left behind your walls are in bad shape. Paint them.
TIPS FOR A BETTER CAR:
Empty your ride of all trash. Clean your windows, seats and carpets. If
your car has Mardi Gras beads, bobbing-headed dogs, fuzzy dice or any other
crap hanging inside lose them! You look like a fool. You’re car should be
comfortable, clean and inviting. Anything less and she’ll think less of you.
Same thing goes with bumper stickers. She won't think they're funny and
she'll think you’re an adolescent. Take them off with soapy water and a
razorblade.
If your cell phone doesn’t take pictures, keep a disposable or digital
camera in your car. Women love having their picture taken, even if they deny
it.
Pimp your ride. You don’t need $2k rims but add some flash inside. Flash
means cash and you’ll look more affluent. A DVD player, a decent music
system and small dash lights adds excitement to your car.
Keep 2 large clean blankets in a plastic bag in your trunk. You can’t have
sex in the woods or on a deserted beach at midnight without them. Keep a
huge umbrella for 2 on the back floor of your car or in your trunk. Sharing
an umbrella in the pouring rain is hot and romantic! Buy a medium sized
pair of women’s black shorts and a medium sized black tee-shirt and store
them wrapped in plastic in your car’s trunk. Someday, somehow she may need
a fresh pair of clothes. Store 3 tampons and 3 feminine napkins in a clean
plastic bag in your trunk along with a new, unused hairbrush. Condoms
don’t last long in the car. The latex breaks down from excessive heat. If
it’s been a while, refresh the condoms in your car.
Always suggest that the both of you sit in the back seat when parking. It’s
far more romantic and there’s no steering wheel or console to hinder you.
She NEVER reaches under the seat and finds another woman’s panties. NEVER!
Use a good deodorizer in your car. Keep it out of sight under the seats.
Unless she’s a smoker, don’t smoke in the car with her… she hates the smell
and may end up hating you.
Drive like an adult when you're driving with her. Don't speed, run lights
or yell insults at other drivers.
Never, EVER allow an open beer in your car. The police will arrest you and
take your car away. If she wants to drink a beer pull over and both of you
get out and drink it outside of the car. Throw the empty away. Don't ruin
your life because she has a set of boobs.
Store a few large clean towels in your trunk inside a plastic bag. She
won’t go skinny dipping if you don’t have towels.
Normal men lead normal lives. No pirate flag on the antenna.
If your car seats are stained or dirty, buy seat covers and fresh floor
mats.
Fix the AC and the heater. She won't be turned on if she's sweating or
freezing to death.
If your car is in really bad shape, consider renting a car before picking
her up for your date.
If you like to smoke weed, leave it at home. Cops love it when their K-9
dog starts barking at your window. They REALLY love it. Potheads are
stupid by nature and the cops know that they'll find pipes, papers, clips,
seeds and roaches inside the car. Get rid of it, you fool!
Always remind her to put on her seat belt. You’re a responsible guy!
(Plus, the shoulder belt divides her boobs and shows them off nicely!)
Don’t crank the tunes! Keeping the music low let’s you talk. Save the 110
db for your bros.
Keep 30 or 40 clean facial napkins in your glove box. She can use them if
she has to pee in the woods. If you’re traveling, every 90 minutes or so
ask her if she needs to stop at a rest area ‘to check her smile’ or freshen
up. Women always have to pee and are sometimes embarrassed to ask to stop.
Don’t fart in your car. Pull over, pop the hood and tell her you’re
checking the radiator. Leave the motor running and fart at the front of the
car with the hood up. If you have to take an emergency piss, pee behind
your car. A real man can hold his urine so try not
to make emergency pee stops a habit.
Getting oral sex while you’re driving is hot but be sure you can easily
reach the break pedal with your pants down. Nothing ruins car sex quicker
than smashing into the car in front of you. If she’s not going to swallow,
tell her to hold your penis tight against your belly when you come so you
don’t spray her hair, the interior of you car, your carpets, seats or your
clothing. If you’re going to have intercourse in the car, use the back seat
and open the rear passenger door to give you both extra leg-room.
She won’t bend over and have sex on the fenders or lay naked on the hood of
your car if your car is dirty, so visit a car wash. Most modern cars are
made of thin metal. Will your hood hold the weight of both of you without
denting or caving in? Hoods get hot so check for heat first.
When you’re with your woman in the car always ignore pretty women walking on the street or in other cars around you.
I love how the idiot says "Potheads are stupid by nature", did this fucker stop and consider the fact that they may be a little slow because of the pot they're smoking? (At this point I'm actually just scanning what I can see in Wordpad) Also, what if you're serious about the girl? Surely she'll see the car you drive at some point? Remember never to ask if she would like to"stop at a rest area to 'check her smile'" as it leads to immediate removal of testes. As for the facial napkins... they have that shit to stop grease and to clean grease from your facial pores... shouldn't imagine it'd work to well on a vagina, it might actually be helpful if your woman is in fact a man, as I've never met a women who admits to needing to urinate in the woods.
Don't fart in your car! Instead, stop the car, pop the hood (So what if you're on a motorway?) and run the fuck around to the front while screeching "I NEED TO CHECK THE RADIATOR! IT MIGHT BE HOT!" and then fart. Only after the gas has passed your cheeks may you return to your vehicle. And REAL men can go for fucking days without pissing! Oh, you can't? Well, you must be a fag.
Also, when recieving oral sex while driving, for the love of christ, don't just unzip and unbutton! Pull your pants down like a real man! Nothing like shit stains on your drivers seat (Note: Give this a miss if your car is rented). When you're about to ejaculate, remember to get it all over yourself, as you really wouldn't want to get any of it on her (Note: If your woman isn't prepared to swallow your man juice while giving head, she probably won't give you head while you're driving, or give you head at all, for that matter)! When you're fucking your woman, use the backseat! You do this for a couple of different reasons:
1- So you don't feel violated by your gearstick
2- Because there's more room!
3- So you don't accidently hit the accelerator pedal in the throes of passion and drive into that police car parked infront of you.
And always remember to open the back passenger door! You're committing a crime as it is, might as well give yourself some extra legroom while you're at it! Who cares if somebody decides to pull you and your lover out of the car and drive away, leaving you both naked and needing a piss in the middle of nowhere?
There is actually one paragraph I removed from there... simply because it was fucking worth it. The parts you should read are bolded.
Women aren’t usually good at driving while being fingered. If she’s trying
to concentrate on driving, it may stop her from having an orgasm. Suggest
that she pull over first.
This shit is even better. Something that many Brits (including me) should take serious note of! That's right! It's dental hygeine time!
So, now you have a new, firm toothbrush, a bottle of H2O2, whitening gel,
stain removing toothpaste, a tooth pick, an electric polisher, a whitening
toothpaste and whitening chewing gum. You're ready to bleach and whiten
your teeth.
...or you could just buy a cheap toothbrush, whitening gel and some whitening toothpaste. I was actually going to post what was next (a 24 step guide on how to brush your teeth with all that shit).
I was actually going to skim the rest of this shit and post points that caught my interest... but then I realised I had about a third of it left... and it's basically all metrosexual shit after that... about hair... and make up (Yes, that's right. Men wearing make up outside of Glam Rock). It talks about how to paint a six pack onto yourself using foundation or eyeliner... that is where I stopped reading and deleted the file. If you want a woman that badly? Chances are you just need a 9mm Painkiller, or a love hug from a rope handily tied to your light.
What Thump has learned: Homosexuality will eventually die out because all the fags do for us is give us (and their fucking huge family) food, therefore they are just a fad of modern lifestyle.
However! The true unedited secrets of sexual seduction can not be hidden from our mortal, material plain! Oh no!
With my internet down, and boredom ensuing, I have decided to dig around my eBook folder (and even organise my musical eBook folder! Which currently stands at 83.6MB...) and I came across a folder named "INVISIBLE MAGIC"... the fuck? Oh, I remember! To hell with it, I've got about four hours to waste before doing nothing, why the hell not? So, though I had every intention to read (and even teach!) myself the secrets of invisibility, I noticed the Secrets of Sexual Seduction!
I read it, o my brothers. I read it good.
I wasted a good hour or so reading the history of mankind (no joke, it's about half of the .txt file) and eventually began trying to gouge my eyes out with my USB drive. I skipped the rest of it. Anyway, I came to the nitty gritty stuff, about how to pick up women and fuck them!
Now, what I propose to do is to actually break down the parts of it that made me laugh, exclaim 'what the fuck?' and even contemplate gouging said eyes out with a USB drive. Bit... by fucking bit. Don't worry, I've only read about three quarters of it, so I'm probably just going to skim the rest of this particular one (remember, there's five more .txt files which may or may not be promptly deleted, I might actually consider keeping them on my hard drive, wasting my valuable bytes).
...And so began the torment.
At this point in the 'story', the idiot (the author) has talked about how women came to have flexible pelvis' and how new borns have flexible skulls (apparantly to prevent against Darwin's theory of 'natural selection' which is essentially people dying of natural causes [IE: Childbirth, cancer, flu, excessive drug use etc.]) and so forth. It talks about evolution and genetics, how we have had our positive traits passed down to our offspring through generations.
Please note: I have not done any research for any of this, nor do I intend to. It's a fucking blog, get over it.
But if natural selection can be held accountable for squishy-headed babies
and flexible female pelvis's, women’s orgasms and outright refusal of sexual
advances... what beneficial traits could men bring to the table to increase
survival of the new human species? There were 7.
Color blindness, left handedness, baldness, difference of height, difference
of hair & skin colors, homosexuality and artistic ability.
That's right. Colour blindness is a positive trait. As is being left handed (Which proves Hitler wrong, apparantly), being bald, being of a different height, hair and skin colours and that's right, even homosexuality and artistic ability is a positive trait! Now, I can see how artistic ability is a positive trait... without it, we wouldn't have developed language (unless you consider a series of grunts language), art, music or anything else for that matter. Until this point, I was actually taking this pretty seriously... or at least trying to.
Now, according to the idiots theory, the colour blind (which is considered a disability in todays society) can see what people [who see colour fine] can't! Genius! Apparantly, the colour blind man who sees blues and/or greens as shades of grey, can see the animal they're hunting fine! Haha!
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
The left handedness helps because not all of the spears/rocks will be thrown by a right hand! Clever shit is at work! That means that the Deer won't be able to escape the barrage of spears/rocks coming from both RIGHT and LEFT hands!
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
The Baldness helps in the way that the Deer becomes familliar with those funny, two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads (This was almost word for word), and they associate those two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads with death, naturally. However, the Deer doesn't understand that, although it's the same two legged mammal with the same pumpkin shaped head that it might kill it! Because he's bald, you see.
Difference of height is a positivie trait because all the arrows will be thrown at different heights! Because humans could never (we still can't, you know?) aim our arrows and spears. The tall guy throws his spear just over the top of the Deer, the short guy throws it just underneath the Deer! What about the guy who is around average height? He gets the kill, apparantly.
However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.
Homosexuality... hah, this is a good one. He's the only one out of the hunting party who has a 'favourite rock' for a start, and how is homosexuality a positive trait? I love this bit, personally. Because the fag has no kids to provide for! ...instead he has probably one of the largest families known to the primitave human race. So what he kills, he is then forced to share out between his brother who has a shitload of kids, his sister who just can't keep her legs shut, his mother (his father died last winter due to a fever) and all the old people who can't hunt (and of course the artists and priests who are even faggier than the actual homosexual guy).
Artistic ability was already covered in the first paragraph on this section and I'm not typing up more than I have to.
Women are everywhere but some men complain that they can’t find women to
date. Maybe he works in a small office or lives in a small town or only has
a small circle he travels in and women aren't around. These men are dead
wrong.
This is wrong, there is absolutely no woman in my room right now, therefore women are not everywhere, as is pointed out in this eBook.
He thinks ‘She's so good looking that she must have a boyfriend. She must
have endless dates. She wouldn't be interested in a guy like me. She'll
say no and I'll be playing the fool again.’ So he watches her walk away and
does nothing.
The pain and fear of rejection stops some men from trying and the dream
becomes the reality. She won't say yes because he never asked her.
at stake.", see the difference?
For this next part, I don't think I'll comment (unless it's due) because... well, just fucking read it. If any man does this, he's whipped beyond imagination and has a universally sized thumb print slap bang in the middle of his forehead. It's also interesting to note that this is where I stopped reading.
WARNING: WALL OF FUCKING TEXT
TIPS FOR A BETTER HOME:
Maybe it's time to move. If you live in a bad section of town or your
apartment is a hole, look around town and try to find nicer digs. If she
has to worry about her car parked outside, she may worry about you too.
Buy 2 bottles of wine, one white and one red and keep them in your (clean)
refrigerator for her. Have a few bottles of water in the fridge, too.
Put a small bowl of apples on the kitchen table.
Get 1 or 2 nice houseplants and don't let them die.
Buy a box of tampons and a box of feminine napkins. Sooner or later a woman
will need them. Buy condoms.
Buy a few vanilla candles and light them before you go out.
Use light bulbs no brighter than 60 watts and a couple of table lamps at 40
watts are even better. Overhead lights are to be avoided. You don’t want
her to think she's visiting a hospital.
Take down any picture, poster or wall hanging that has a nude woman or
fashion model on it. It’s your home, not a college dorm. For that matter,
take down any picture or poster that's not professionally framed. If you
really like it, have it framed.
Buy a CD that's a compilation of slow instrumental pieces and have it ready
to play at low volume.
If your windows don't have shades or curtains get them and put them up. She
won't take off her clothes in front of open windows.
Buy 2 new bathrobes, a dark color for you and bright white for her. She'll
know that hers is clean by the brightness of it.
Get a clean trashcan for the kitchen that has a lid. Empty it daily.
Put a waste can in the bathroom and keep it empty.
Have a few bars of unwrapped soap ready near the shower.
Buy a new toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste and keep them in your
bathroom, unopened and ready for her.
If you have a home office, straighten it out. Buy a plastic organizer and
file those papers away and put them all out of sight.
If you have a cat, empty that cat box and buy some rug deodorizer. That cat
has pissed in every corner of every room and you know it.
If you have a dog, shampoo it. Old Red smells like crap.
All of your clothes are on hangers or folded away in drawers. No
exceptions.
Clean every mirror, every faucet and wash any floor that doesn't have a
carpet on it.
If you smoke, keep only one ashtray and throw the others away. Buy vanilla
air freshener and use it.
Open every window and let fresh air in at every opportunity.
Get a clothes hamper with a lid and use it. If it's been worn and it’s
dirty, it's in the hamper. No exceptions.
If you have an aquarium make sure there’s no dead fish and no algae growing
on the glass.
If you have pet mice, hamsters, gerbils or a pet snake get rid of them!
They stink and most women think they're creepy.
Clean your coffee pot and have coffee ready to brew.
Buy a small collection of flavored teas. Most women love tea.
Buy a small bag of Hershey’s kisses and keep them in the freezer. Women
LOVE chocolate! Thaw as needed.
Hide all pornography & adult videos. Really hide them. No woman wants to
look for her shoe under your bed and find your sticky smut.
Paint the walls and ceilings. Take down a picture off the wall and take a
look. If there's a shadow left behind your walls are in bad shape. Paint them.
TIPS FOR A BETTER CAR:
Empty your ride of all trash. Clean your windows, seats and carpets. If
your car has Mardi Gras beads, bobbing-headed dogs, fuzzy dice or any other
crap hanging inside lose them! You look like a fool. You’re car should be
comfortable, clean and inviting. Anything less and she’ll think less of you.
Same thing goes with bumper stickers. She won't think they're funny and
she'll think you’re an adolescent. Take them off with soapy water and a
razorblade.
If your cell phone doesn’t take pictures, keep a disposable or digital
camera in your car. Women love having their picture taken, even if they deny
it.
Pimp your ride. You don’t need $2k rims but add some flash inside. Flash
means cash and you’ll look more affluent. A DVD player, a decent music
system and small dash lights adds excitement to your car.
Keep 2 large clean blankets in a plastic bag in your trunk. You can’t have
sex in the woods or on a deserted beach at midnight without them. Keep a
huge umbrella for 2 on the back floor of your car or in your trunk. Sharing
an umbrella in the pouring rain is hot and romantic! Buy a medium sized
pair of women’s black shorts and a medium sized black tee-shirt and store
them wrapped in plastic in your car’s trunk. Someday, somehow she may need
a fresh pair of clothes. Store 3 tampons and 3 feminine napkins in a clean
plastic bag in your trunk along with a new, unused hairbrush. Condoms
don’t last long in the car. The latex breaks down from excessive heat. If
it’s been a while, refresh the condoms in your car.
Always suggest that the both of you sit in the back seat when parking. It’s
far more romantic and there’s no steering wheel or console to hinder you.
She NEVER reaches under the seat and finds another woman’s panties. NEVER!
Use a good deodorizer in your car. Keep it out of sight under the seats.
Unless she’s a smoker, don’t smoke in the car with her… she hates the smell
and may end up hating you.
Drive like an adult when you're driving with her. Don't speed, run lights
or yell insults at other drivers.
Never, EVER allow an open beer in your car. The police will arrest you and
take your car away. If she wants to drink a beer pull over and both of you
get out and drink it outside of the car. Throw the empty away. Don't ruin
your life because she has a set of boobs.
Store a few large clean towels in your trunk inside a plastic bag. She
won’t go skinny dipping if you don’t have towels.
Normal men lead normal lives. No pirate flag on the antenna.
If your car seats are stained or dirty, buy seat covers and fresh floor
mats.
Fix the AC and the heater. She won't be turned on if she's sweating or
freezing to death.
If your car is in really bad shape, consider renting a car before picking
her up for your date.
If you like to smoke weed, leave it at home. Cops love it when their K-9
dog starts barking at your window. They REALLY love it. Potheads are
stupid by nature and the cops know that they'll find pipes, papers, clips,
seeds and roaches inside the car. Get rid of it, you fool!
Always remind her to put on her seat belt. You’re a responsible guy!
(Plus, the shoulder belt divides her boobs and shows them off nicely!)
Don’t crank the tunes! Keeping the music low let’s you talk. Save the 110
db for your bros.
Keep 30 or 40 clean facial napkins in your glove box. She can use them if
she has to pee in the woods. If you’re traveling, every 90 minutes or so
ask her if she needs to stop at a rest area ‘to check her smile’ or freshen
up. Women always have to pee and are sometimes embarrassed to ask to stop.
Don’t fart in your car. Pull over, pop the hood and tell her you’re
checking the radiator. Leave the motor running and fart at the front of the
car with the hood up. If you have to take an emergency piss, pee behind
your car. A real man can hold his urine so try not
to make emergency pee stops a habit.
Getting oral sex while you’re driving is hot but be sure you can easily
reach the break pedal with your pants down. Nothing ruins car sex quicker
than smashing into the car in front of you. If she’s not going to swallow,
tell her to hold your penis tight against your belly when you come so you
don’t spray her hair, the interior of you car, your carpets, seats or your
clothing. If you’re going to have intercourse in the car, use the back seat
and open the rear passenger door to give you both extra leg-room.
She won’t bend over and have sex on the fenders or lay naked on the hood of
your car if your car is dirty, so visit a car wash. Most modern cars are
made of thin metal. Will your hood hold the weight of both of you without
denting or caving in? Hoods get hot so check for heat first.
When you’re with your woman in the car always ignore pretty women walking on the street or in other cars around you.
I love how the idiot says "Potheads are stupid by nature", did this fucker stop and consider the fact that they may be a little slow because of the pot they're smoking? (At this point I'm actually just scanning what I can see in Wordpad) Also, what if you're serious about the girl? Surely she'll see the car you drive at some point? Remember never to ask if she would like to"stop at a rest area to 'check her smile'" as it leads to immediate removal of testes. As for the facial napkins... they have that shit to stop grease and to clean grease from your facial pores... shouldn't imagine it'd work to well on a vagina, it might actually be helpful if your woman is in fact a man, as I've never met a women who admits to needing to urinate in the woods.
Don't fart in your car! Instead, stop the car, pop the hood (So what if you're on a motorway?) and run the fuck around to the front while screeching "I NEED TO CHECK THE RADIATOR! IT MIGHT BE HOT!" and then fart. Only after the gas has passed your cheeks may you return to your vehicle. And REAL men can go for fucking days without pissing! Oh, you can't? Well, you must be a fag.
Also, when recieving oral sex while driving, for the love of christ, don't just unzip and unbutton! Pull your pants down like a real man! Nothing like shit stains on your drivers seat (Note: Give this a miss if your car is rented). When you're about to ejaculate, remember to get it all over yourself, as you really wouldn't want to get any of it on her (Note: If your woman isn't prepared to swallow your man juice while giving head, she probably won't give you head while you're driving, or give you head at all, for that matter)! When you're fucking your woman, use the backseat! You do this for a couple of different reasons:
1- So you don't feel violated by your gearstick
2- Because there's more room!
3- So you don't accidently hit the accelerator pedal in the throes of passion and drive into that police car parked infront of you.
And always remember to open the back passenger door! You're committing a crime as it is, might as well give yourself some extra legroom while you're at it! Who cares if somebody decides to pull you and your lover out of the car and drive away, leaving you both naked and needing a piss in the middle of nowhere?
There is actually one paragraph I removed from there... simply because it was fucking worth it. The parts you should read are bolded.
Women aren’t usually good at driving while being fingered. If she’s trying
to concentrate on driving, it may stop her from having an orgasm. Suggest
that she pull over first.
This shit is even better. Something that many Brits (including me) should take serious note of! That's right! It's dental hygeine time!
So, now you have a new, firm toothbrush, a bottle of H2O2, whitening gel,
stain removing toothpaste, a tooth pick, an electric polisher, a whitening
toothpaste and whitening chewing gum. You're ready to bleach and whiten
your teeth.
...or you could just buy a cheap toothbrush, whitening gel and some whitening toothpaste. I was actually going to post what was next (a 24 step guide on how to brush your teeth with all that shit).
I was actually going to skim the rest of this shit and post points that caught my interest... but then I realised I had about a third of it left... and it's basically all metrosexual shit after that... about hair... and make up (Yes, that's right. Men wearing make up outside of Glam Rock). It talks about how to paint a six pack onto yourself using foundation or eyeliner... that is where I stopped reading and deleted the file. If you want a woman that badly? Chances are you just need a 9mm Painkiller, or a love hug from a rope handily tied to your light.
What Thump has learned: Homosexuality will eventually die out because all the fags do for us is give us (and their fucking huge family) food, therefore they are just a fad of modern lifestyle.
posted by Thump at 10:07 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home