I apologise on behalf of every British man, woman or child for Americas new immigrants and my Girlfriend is better than yours (27/07/06)
(Part 1)
I'm serious... I thought we had it rough when Jade Goody somehow won Big Brother and became the media's favourite walking Kebab, but then the Beckhams moved to Barcelona... no problem there, then. We got rid of the fucker, only to hear about Mr. Beckham during the World Cup and his occassional instance on the back page because he had scored a penalty (about fucking time) for his foreign team.
Then they moved to America.
Suddenly every British newspaper was flooded with "Beckhams' move to L.A!", "Posh is hounded with press over move!" and other such bollocks. Now, usually I only buy newspapers for the crossword (unless it's The People. Every Sunday they have a fact sheet about random things that I think is just wonderful! ...now they need a crossword), but it's really difficult not to get into the hype, y'know?
I mean seriously, who can resist "Posh buys blow up sex doll and fools press with it!".
Because the 'press' obviously weren't paid actors, now were they? How can you mistake a blow up sex doll with Victoria Beckham? For one thing, the doll has more fat on it.
The giveaway for me was when the body guards were seen indecently groping Mrs. Beckham as they helped her along on the street... y'know, because blow up sex dolls can't walk. Although it was funny when the American Officials wouldn't let a paid actor work for the DMV... now you can get a real taste of Americana! Now, all I know about the DMV is that it's the American equivilent to the DVLA... which gladly isn't as bad as half the stories I've heard from a lot of Americans.
Apparantly, if you go to the DMV you might as well bring the family for a picnic. Don't let yourself count the hours, though! You don't want to admit to spending 15 hours with your divorced wife and bastard child!
Anyway, watching Victoria run around the counter to look at the picture (that she fucking pouted for... it's a fucking driving licence!) and asked if she could have it taken again? Pure comical genius, let me tell you. "Erm, ma'am? This is the DMV... I don't actually have the time to retake your photo, nor do I have the time for anyone else.". Classic.
Even funnier than that, was when she was pulled over. "It was terrible!" She says, wiping the vomit from her chin, "I didn't know whether to cry or pose!" ...personally, I would have took his gun and shot him in the head for being such a feckless idiot and for not having a fucking clue about life in the real world. To make matters worse, so many idiots in America want to be like her... I mean, fuck me... seriously... like that?!
Please... PLEASE don't become like her.
Ever.
It's just not fair on your friends or families... seriously.
But the funniest thing about all this? You can't accept David Beckham into your country... he's annoying enough, I know... but if you take him in? You have to take a skinny has been popstar in too! What a great deal! Get a metrosexual footballer and a skinny annoying cow as well!
Yay!
Don't get me wrong, now. I would fuck Victoria Beckham... but only to stick my fingers up her arse and wipe her excretion (provided she eats enough to be processed into shit) all over her face. Then? Then I would dye her hair bright blue, with permanent dye, you understand - leaving her with no choice but to leave her dye in, let it grow out naturally or shave it off.
I love my brain.
I really don't have much against David Beckham besides the fact that I want him dead... and I only want him dead because I really don't like the guy. He's just got one of those faces you want to smash against a brick wall... and he married an idiot like Victoria Beckham.
I'll leave this section with a quote from (possibly) the most annoying person in the world.
"It's so exhausting being fabulous."
Try it once in a while, love. You'll feel better for it.
(Part 2)
My girlfriend really does >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yours. Why? As part of our one year anniversary present, you know what she bought me? Prince of Persia the Sands of Time, a game that infuriated me because it wouldn't work on my computer, now it infuriates me because I can't do the bastard game, Broken Sword 1 & 2, because I never played either of them with video/speech... and I've never quite completed BS2 because my version was fucked and didn't include the last level.
And the best of all.
*Drum roll*
Sonic Mega Collection Plus!
Fuck me! How I love revisiting the best part of my youth, and how better to do it than with Sonic?! I forgot quite how good of a platformer this game was right after Sega killed him off by making him three dimensional (in men, that's supposed to be a good thing (See Mario), in hedgehogs? ...it's not so great) and then gave Shadow a game... great. Shadow the Hedgehog was probably the final nail in Sega's coffin.
All the PSO in the world won't save them after that abomination.
The best part about SMCP? It has the Game Gear games on it! Sonic Chaos, I'm coming for you!
Then... then I remembered how difficult Sonic is without a controller... then I remembered how easy it is to hate Sonic... especially after I first heard that terrifying melody... the drowning theme... in only the second level. Chemical Plant Zone act 2... and I heard it. I lost my two of my lives out of sheer panic. Then Dr. Robotnik (IT IS NOT EGGMAN, IT WILL NEVER BE EGGMAN, STOP CALLING HIM EGGMAN) terrified me with a boss fight WITH water... and then I had a psychotic episode when I realised what was the third level.
Aqua Ruins Zone.
For the idiots among you, Aqua is also known as "water", in Sonic the Hedgehog, the word "water" is also known as "a terrifying, ungodly death".
Then what happened? I remembered you can't save. I don't even remember if you have a password option after X amount of levels completed (I actually know you don't, but I'm too scared to admit it to myself).
So, I'm going to go and play some Sonic.
Enjoy yourself!
(Part 3: Bonus Section)
I'm getting the intarwebs back. I've turned 18. I'm getting it out in my name as my parents pay the bill. I fucking win.
Now, I'm going to go and play some Sonic.
Enjoy yourself!
I'm serious... I thought we had it rough when Jade Goody somehow won Big Brother and became the media's favourite walking Kebab, but then the Beckhams moved to Barcelona... no problem there, then. We got rid of the fucker, only to hear about Mr. Beckham during the World Cup and his occassional instance on the back page because he had scored a penalty (about fucking time) for his foreign team.
Then they moved to America.
Suddenly every British newspaper was flooded with "Beckhams' move to L.A!", "Posh is hounded with press over move!" and other such bollocks. Now, usually I only buy newspapers for the crossword (unless it's The People. Every Sunday they have a fact sheet about random things that I think is just wonderful! ...now they need a crossword), but it's really difficult not to get into the hype, y'know?
I mean seriously, who can resist "Posh buys blow up sex doll and fools press with it!".
Because the 'press' obviously weren't paid actors, now were they? How can you mistake a blow up sex doll with Victoria Beckham? For one thing, the doll has more fat on it.
The giveaway for me was when the body guards were seen indecently groping Mrs. Beckham as they helped her along on the street... y'know, because blow up sex dolls can't walk. Although it was funny when the American Officials wouldn't let a paid actor work for the DMV... now you can get a real taste of Americana! Now, all I know about the DMV is that it's the American equivilent to the DVLA... which gladly isn't as bad as half the stories I've heard from a lot of Americans.
Apparantly, if you go to the DMV you might as well bring the family for a picnic. Don't let yourself count the hours, though! You don't want to admit to spending 15 hours with your divorced wife and bastard child!
Anyway, watching Victoria run around the counter to look at the picture (that she fucking pouted for... it's a fucking driving licence!) and asked if she could have it taken again? Pure comical genius, let me tell you. "Erm, ma'am? This is the DMV... I don't actually have the time to retake your photo, nor do I have the time for anyone else.". Classic.
Even funnier than that, was when she was pulled over. "It was terrible!" She says, wiping the vomit from her chin, "I didn't know whether to cry or pose!" ...personally, I would have took his gun and shot him in the head for being such a feckless idiot and for not having a fucking clue about life in the real world. To make matters worse, so many idiots in America want to be like her... I mean, fuck me... seriously... like that?!
Please... PLEASE don't become like her.
Ever.
It's just not fair on your friends or families... seriously.
But the funniest thing about all this? You can't accept David Beckham into your country... he's annoying enough, I know... but if you take him in? You have to take a skinny has been popstar in too! What a great deal! Get a metrosexual footballer and a skinny annoying cow as well!
Yay!
Don't get me wrong, now. I would fuck Victoria Beckham... but only to stick my fingers up her arse and wipe her excretion (provided she eats enough to be processed into shit) all over her face. Then? Then I would dye her hair bright blue, with permanent dye, you understand - leaving her with no choice but to leave her dye in, let it grow out naturally or shave it off.
I love my brain.
I really don't have much against David Beckham besides the fact that I want him dead... and I only want him dead because I really don't like the guy. He's just got one of those faces you want to smash against a brick wall... and he married an idiot like Victoria Beckham.
I'll leave this section with a quote from (possibly) the most annoying person in the world.
"It's so exhausting being fabulous."
Try it once in a while, love. You'll feel better for it.
(Part 2)
My girlfriend really does >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yours. Why? As part of our one year anniversary present, you know what she bought me? Prince of Persia the Sands of Time, a game that infuriated me because it wouldn't work on my computer, now it infuriates me because I can't do the bastard game, Broken Sword 1 & 2, because I never played either of them with video/speech... and I've never quite completed BS2 because my version was fucked and didn't include the last level.
And the best of all.
*Drum roll*
Sonic Mega Collection Plus!
Fuck me! How I love revisiting the best part of my youth, and how better to do it than with Sonic?! I forgot quite how good of a platformer this game was right after Sega killed him off by making him three dimensional (in men, that's supposed to be a good thing (See Mario), in hedgehogs? ...it's not so great) and then gave Shadow a game... great. Shadow the Hedgehog was probably the final nail in Sega's coffin.
All the PSO in the world won't save them after that abomination.
The best part about SMCP? It has the Game Gear games on it! Sonic Chaos, I'm coming for you!
Then... then I remembered how difficult Sonic is without a controller... then I remembered how easy it is to hate Sonic... especially after I first heard that terrifying melody... the drowning theme... in only the second level. Chemical Plant Zone act 2... and I heard it. I lost my two of my lives out of sheer panic. Then Dr. Robotnik (IT IS NOT EGGMAN, IT WILL NEVER BE EGGMAN, STOP CALLING HIM EGGMAN) terrified me with a boss fight WITH water... and then I had a psychotic episode when I realised what was the third level.
Aqua Ruins Zone.
For the idiots among you, Aqua is also known as "water", in Sonic the Hedgehog, the word "water" is also known as "a terrifying, ungodly death".
Then what happened? I remembered you can't save. I don't even remember if you have a password option after X amount of levels completed (I actually know you don't, but I'm too scared to admit it to myself).
So, I'm going to go and play some Sonic.
Enjoy yourself!
(Part 3: Bonus Section)
I'm getting the intarwebs back. I've turned 18. I'm getting it out in my name as my parents pay the bill. I fucking win.
Now, I'm going to go and play some Sonic.
Enjoy yourself!
posted by Thump at 9:56 am
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