10 Reasons why women must never watch football (04/04/07)

The complexities of a game where grown men chase a ball up and down a patch of grass have baffled women everywhere. Here are 10 simple reasons as to why women should never attempt to watch or follow the glorious game.

10. The offside rule:

Many-a man have been embarrassed by the woman’s scream of “WHY DID HE STOP HIM? HE WAS CENTIMETERS AWAY FROM THE GOAL AND HIS TEAM WERE OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PITCH! IT’S NOT LIKE HE COULD HAVE PASSED TO ANYONE!”

This is only defeated by “So, how come he can pick the ball up but nobody else can? Why is he so special?”

9. Aggregate scoring:

I have fell victim to this. Trying to explain that ‘each game is played twice and the first score counts’ to a woman is like explaining the theory of relativity to a three year old. Get around this one by explaining it as a 180 minute game.

8. The 'Oh Emm Jee, that player is so sexy!' discussion:

I'm sure we have all felt like bashing our heads against the wall when our girlfriends/casual partners/fuck buddies/skank who buys you drinks begins shouting and screaming about how incredibly sexy the ugliest player on the pitch is. Notice how it's always the opposing team that has the sexy player? Now notice how your friends are looking at you and your girlfriend/casual partner/fuck buddy/skank who buys you drinks.

You're a social leaper.

Pervert.

7. Match of the Day:

This has only happened to me once (fortunately not with my woman at the time) but when it does happen... oh shit, it's terrible. You and your mates are sitting around your living room with a couple of pints, and MotD comes on. Great! You couldn't watch that Manchester Vs. Liverpool match because you were working in a cave! Now at least you can see the highlights! The excitement builds as does your erection. Then the inevitable happens; the woman opens her black abyss (Female translation: mouth).

"Oh my god! Rooney got knocked out by Gerrard in the match this morning too!"

...eugh.

6. The Premiership, Leagues, Divisions and so on:

Have you ever tried to explain why Sunderland got relegated from the Premiership to Division 1 to a woman? If you haven't, you're a lucky man! If you have, I feel your pain. Holy shit, is it really that hard to grasp that the relegated team just didn't play well enough to stay in the Premiership?

Oh wait, we're talking women here. Yes. Yes it is.

5. The 'HE'S FAKING IT!' routine:

If you've ever watched porn with a woman, have you noticed how everytime somebody moans the first words out of the woman's mouth is "SHE'S FAKING! SHE'S NOT REALLY HAVING A MULTIPLE ORGASM!"?

Allow me to take you back to the Germany '06 (For those of you who don't know, I'm talking about the World Cup). The England and Newcastle United (Clever people, Newcastle United supporters. Unlike the Mackam scum.) supporters will vividly remember Michael Owen falling in the opening minutes of the game and being put out of action for almost a year. Now, I was watching it with my girlfriend and suddenly she bursts out "He's fine! He isn't injured, he's just trying to get a free kick!" ...a free kick? From where he was it might have well have been a throw in!

Can somebody explain to me how a professional athlete (Like Owen) can make his leg vibrate with the exact same resonation as a snapping ligament and get carried from the field, to an ambulance and not return to your career for almost a year? The second he went down and the slow motion was played I immediately said "Ligament!", but my girlfriend thought not! He was faking it!

Clever Michael Owen!

4. The extra men on the field:

I don't quite understand this one myself... a lot of women (and I'm being entirely honest and truthful with all you infidels here) don't understand the point of linesmen and hardly understand how the referee gets pretty coloured cards, a whistle and a pen. I just can't explain it to a woman... it's just too... painful. I can't even think about it. You make my brain hurt.

3. The 'Pub Quiz' scenario:

This happened to me at a party a while ago. We were bored waiting for the alcohol to arrive and we decided to play a drinking game! The amount of points we got were relevent to how much we had to drink later on in the night. Naturally, the mens questions were all about cars, guns, penii and football. The womens questions involved shoes, dresses and other such bollocks. One question was simple: How many players in a team can be on the pitch at once.

The women stared blankly. They thought about it and finally answered! "16?"

She had to gargle 16 mouthfuls of male semen just to wash her mouth out. After that? The toilet bleach.

2. The 'Own Goal' cheer:

We all know the disgrace we feel when the woman stands up screaming for the own goal your home team has just 'scored'. I think every woman under the sun has done this at least once. It's like being in a synagogue dressed as Adolf Hitler, especially in Newcastle.

1. 'I support a team at the opposite side of the country!':

I think it's safe to guarantee that every woman does this. I don't know any woman who lives in Newcastle who actually supports Newcastle United (of course those who actually show an interest in football, those who don't just wait for us to win a game because they get a fuck). Manchester... Arsenal... Chelsea... Liverpool... they're just fucking cowards! They wouldn't support Barnet, would they? Of course not! Why wouldn't they? Because Barnet has exactly zero chance of winning the Premiership. Manchester, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and other top teams do!

...of course I say this after Liverpool got slaughtered by a Spanish team for a cup of some description (if it isn't Newcastle or England and doesn't affect Newcastle in any way, I could care less).

Women everywhere!

Raise your hands into the air!

You're idiots!

Idiots of the world!