The World As I See It: Now, come on people. I'm not as stupid as you may think (13/02/07)

Many people decide on proving their idiocy to me on a daily basis; like it's a part of some sick regime. Seriously, stop it. I know you're inferior; you don't have to prove it to me. I promise! For example: When you try to play a joke on me? Unless it's practical, you're going to fail. Miserably. Even if it's practical, chances are you're going to be laughed out of the city as your joke gets turned on you.

Now, when somebody tries to take the piss out of me, it doesn't work! It's like putting me in an English Language class with a bunch of retards and not expect me to purposely correct everybody (including the teacher. Believe me, I'm currently doing it every Friday morning at college) and everything. Allow me to elaborate: You = Retard. I = Superior genius (thus the reason I am the King and Emperor of the Universe).

If that isn't simple enough, I don't know what is.

The reason I write this (and the reason I'm slightly more aggressive than usual) is because a certain ex girlfriend had her friend call me up in an attempt to mock me. Tut, tut, tut. Such idiocy should be condemned and those who practice it executed. I'll tell you the secret to why nobody can mock me while communicating with me: I have an inbred detector! So, when you take the piss out of me I know when to play along. Eventually I get bored and walk in the opposite direction/log off/stop talking/hang up.

For example:

Idiot: Are you good in bed?

Me: I wouldn't know, I've never fucked myself.

Idiot: Have you made a girl moan?

Me: Seeing as I'm slightly deaf in my right ear, I should imagine so.

Idiot: So have you made a girl moan?

Me: ...do you even speak fluent English?

Idiot: Is that a no?

Me: You mispronounced yes.

Idiot: Oh, so you are good in bed.

*Horrible, girly giggling echoes in background. Ears begin to bleed.*

Me: Would you like to find out?

Idiot: Oh god yes.

Me: Great. You'll have to pay.

Idiot: So you're a Gigolo?

Me: No, it's just in order for you to get an erection out of me, you'll have to give me money.

This is an actual excerpt from a conversation I mentioned earlier. You can see how the idiot failed to take control of the situation and how I allowed her to have a certain level of control before I got bored. Another interesting excerpt from the same conversation is as follows:

Idiot: Do you think you're sexy?

Me: I'm not egotistical enough to consider myself in such a way.

Idiot: But you have to think you're sexy!

Me: Do you think you're sexy?

Idiot: You have to, otherwise you think you're ugly. [Thump's note: She is ugly, I might add. Acne covered with 7 inches of make up and fat.]

Me: Right, well you need to remove your head from the black abyss and look in the mirror.

Idiot: What are you trying to say?

Me: That being sexy and thinking you're sexy are two different things.

Idiot: You've got no self confidence.

Me: I never denied that, however we are talking about belief, not confidence.

Idiot: But you obviously don't! You just said you didn't think you were sexy!

*Girly giggles from background.*

Girlies in background: But you are!

Me: *Sigh* Ego and self confidence are two different things. They're separated by a thin line.

Idiot: You are well sexy, though.

Me: ...right.

Even better! Again from the same conversation.

Idiot: Do you even know who this is?

Me: I have an inkling. [Thump's note: I lied; I knew exactly who she was.]

Idiot: Who is it then?

Girly in background: Don't ask him that!

Me: *********** [Thump's note: I won't make her famous by telling the world her name]

Idiot: How the fuck did you know that? I've only ever saw you, like, once!

Me: And spoken to me numerous times.

Idiot: That doesn't explain how you know who I am!

Me: I've a facility for it.

Notice how the idiot squirms. This is what happens to all who oppose me. An even better example of such fine stupidity and my incredibly witty mind can be seen when true idiots can't think of their own prank calls. Believe me, I've heard them all:

*Spoken in crappy Indian accent*

Idiot 2: You kicked my dog!

Me: She deserved it.

Idiot 2: You come in my house and kick my dog?

Me: Yes. You should have had her put down a long time ago.

Idiot 2: You kick my dog!

Me: We've established that.

Idiot 2: You no understand! You kick my dog!

Me: Indeed. But to be fair, your wife kicked me first.

Idiot 2: You kick my wife too?

Me: Oh shit, I thought we were talking about the same animal! Sorry, man!

Idiot 2: *Suddenly drops act* I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!

Me: Sure you are. Now piss off.

I could go on for days with those kind of displays of human stupidity, but my favourite is the golden oldie that is used by teenage girls worldwide to that strange, skinny kid with long hair.

Idiot 3: Heya!

Me: *Looks up* Yeah?

Idiot 3: I was just wondering what you were doing...? *Plays with hair*

Me: ...work?

Idiot 3: Oh! Yeah! *High pitched wail... or giggle... never sure which* What about tonight?

Me: Fucking you.

Idiot 3: Oh, I wish!

Me: Wishes come true.

Idiot 3: What time shall I meet you and where?

Me: After school in the bushes.

Idiot 3: But somebody might hear us!

Me: Damn, guess you're right! How about we just get it over and done with now? You open your mouth and I'll insert my cock down your throat. Nobody'll hear that, you won't be able to make a sound!

Idiot 3: That's disgusting...

Me: But true. Now go away, I'm working.

Idiot 3: So what time are we meeting?

Me: Fuck sakes... after school, north gates.

Idiot 3: ...which way is north?

Me: Sun rises in the east, sets in the west. Once you figure out which way the sun is heading, you can work it out.

Idiot 3: Okay!

After school...

Idiot 3: You didn't think I was serious did you?

Me: Serious? Of course not! I'm just waiting for you to let your guard down so I can drag you into that blue van over there where I can rape you.

Idiot 3: You wouldn't dare!

Me: Care to put money on that?