If I had a bullet for every time somebody made a stupid noise towards me, they wouldn't be alive right now. (10/12/06)

So, today I was walking to the shop for my mother, right? I turned the corner and everything was fine, then just as I was about to turn the final corner to get to the shop, a bunch of inbred retards come around on their bikes. I thought "Oh, great. They've stopped. They're waiting for me. Fun!". The oldest (about 15/16 now I should imagine) actually screamed "NYER! NYER NYEEEER!" imitating what I thought was a dying cat (apparently it was a motorbike, but they fooled me!) and tried to wheelie into my face!

They forgot that the funny looking guy with long hair and a leather jacket has hands and isn't afraid of getting them dirty from nasty bicycle wheels.

I grabbed his front wheel. He stopped dead. His friends panicked. Spectators played a diminished chord for extra tension. The 15 year old began crying.

Then I pushed the bike slightly to the right.

I was impressed by the fact that my right hand didn't leave my pocket and even more so by how effortless I made it look. Anyway, I digress. When he finally stood back up and I finished laughing, he threatened me!

...well, he actually just kind of made a funny noise in my general direction. So I hit him!

Oh, how funny he looked after being punched in the face. Then he made another funny noise in my general direction! So I threw his bike at him! Then his brother chased after me! So I ran!

Anyway, three kids on bike versus alcoholic music student who smokes too much? Let's just say they caught me. What was a man to do? I was being threatened with being beaten to within an inch of my life! Oh noes! Like I gave a shit, I was bored an in need of entertainment... so the LUEser who had been laying dormant within myself awoke and shook my entire body and mind... and then all hell broke loose.

"What the fuck did you do to my brother?!"

"...I hit him. Twice. Once with a bike."

"Why the fuck did you do that, you fucking little bastard?!"

"Because he made a stupid noise at me."

"What the fuck are you talking about, you fucking stinking hippie?"

"But I had a bath just this morning..."

"Fucking tramp, I'll fucking kill you!"

"ANGST OUT OF TEN!"

"...what?"

"LOL [Thumps note: Yes, I did actually shout 'LOL' at him.] FAG!" *Runs into shop*

Anyway, I walked out of the shop afresh with four pints of milk, two tins of dog food, a loaf of bread, sugar, three packets of filter tips and eight packets of rolling papers. Only to find the kids standing outside of the shop. The LUEser broke free once more and again, hell was raised.

"FUCKING GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"No! You come here!"

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"No you won't, you don't have the balls."

*Walks towards me* "WANT A FUCKING BET?!"

"Depends how much you're willing to bet."

"ANY AMOUNT OF FUCKING MONEY! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

*Kicks in balls*

"LOL! I WIN!"

Then I ran back home... with four pints of milk, two tins of dog food, a loaf of bread, sugar, three packets of filter tips and eight packets of rolling papers. Only to find the kids had ran to their parents (drug dealers) to find the 'stinking hippie who just had a bath this morning who knocked the retard out, who kicked me in the balls. You'll know him because his hair smells of Herbal Essences shampoo!'.

The parents then came out with knives, baseball bats and a machete... oh joy. What the fuck have I got myself into here?

...oh look, nothing. Because the police are right next to them... oh shit, I'm going to die. Oh wait, no... they're getting arrested! Yay!

Moral of the story: Sexual frustration causes violence.