Jesus, something is wrong with me... but this time my sexual organs have nothing to do with it! (5/11/06)

Recently, I've been craving coffee. That's right, a Limey craving coffee, something isn't quite right there. Anyway, I'm very peculiar about exactly what coffee I'll drink. For example: Nescafe? Don't bring that shit near me. It's fucking revolting. If you want to see me urinate from my arsehole, then by all means, give me Nescafe, until that day? Give me some Earl Grey and lemon and I'll be happy.

Anyway, I was walking through the supermarket recently and I saw it... Columbian Coffee for £2.85. HEAVENLY! So, I naturally forced my mother to by me it as I'm a worthless student who has no money/spent all his money on alcohol/can't be arsed to go to the bank/has only just realised that he has direct debits in his bank account/doesn't have the energy to spend money/has slept all day/is a tosser who doesn't want to spend £2.85 on some coffee/is King and Emperor of the universe and doesn't see why he must pay for some brown granules.

I decided on that last one.

Anyway, a week went by without the smell of the glorious Columbian coffee. I was horrified! Anyway, Friday came and I came back from college with the smell of the beautiful, beautiful Columbian drifting out of my kitchen... then I saw it. My mother was sitting having a giggle fit with a cup of coffee next to her.

I'll take this opportunity to remind you all that we all drink tea in this house. It's rare that we'll drink anything else, we have coffee... but we've had that for years. We have Cocoa... but we'll have that for years. We have instant Hot Chocolate, but I bought that last summer (not the summer just gone) to help me sleep. Therefore we aren't exactly used to caffeine in uber strong doses... like this coffee supplies us with.

Now, I had a cup of tea (as I do every time I come back from college). I then made myself a cup of coffee about 30 minutes after finishing my tea. I made it how I make all my uber coffee. Two mounted teaspoons of coffee, two level teaspoons of sugar and an eye drop of milk. However! Something wasn't right... even after I drank it (about ten minutes - I love this coffee). Then I realised what it was.

I was still tired.

I had something to eat (which woke me up slightly), washed down by an even stronger cup of Columbian! Four mounted teaspoons, two mounted sugars and absolutely no milk... 10 minutes after drinking it? Nothing. This was a first for me, I've only ever had one other container of Columbian (the same brand, I think) and about five other cups of it... perhaps I'm just getting used to the caffeine?

No, that couldn't be it. Because it took ten mounted teaspoons of Columbian, four mounted sugars and no milk in a bloody big mug to even wake me up the slightest!

And then it hit me... and I realised just how stupid I had been. At about 10pm... all the coffee I had drank that day (which happened to be about seven cups) it had all been waiting for it's time to strike... and now it had it. I forgot about the delayed reaction I have to Columbian. I mean seriously, I was awake until about seven the next morning and then passed out. Woke up at 2pm with what is known in the trade as a caffeine hang over.

Dear god I felt like shit. Nasty horrible Columbian!

What did I do once I woke up? Had a cup of tea, of course! And then started back on the coffee... it's now 4pm the following day and I only got up an hour ago.

The moral of this story is that Coffee is evil and must not be drank... but now I want some.

Same time tomorrow, people.