I... I have a confession to make... (30/10/06)

Some of you know me as 'The Resident Pervert' (Members of Orlocksi's uber house of r0x0rne$$), some of you know me as 'Hollow Life' (Members of the Internet Terrorist Organisation known as 'LUE' or 'LUElinks'), some of you know me as 'almighty King and Emperor of Knowledge' (Wise people), others know me as plain old 'Thump' (Everybody else), hell, some of you may even know me as "That stupid fucking Brit who has his head so far up his own rectum he watches his bowel movements like soap operas" (Jews).

However, I should imagine the word on everybody’s lips about me is 'sex'. Not saying I'm sexy (Though it's painfully obvious), but you all know it's one of my favourite hobbies... no, it is my favourite hobby, my mistake. But recently? I just haven't been getting anything out of sex. Seriously! The past couple of months have been boring as hell! Even when I'm fapping, I don't get the same explosive pleasure I used to get... it's like a drug, I suppose. You get the best buzz from the first hit.

I saw my doctor about it, he said it was due to my being a smoker, I promptly pulled my trousers down and ejaculated into his coffee. Best orgasm I ever had. Though I'm not entirely sure it was a good orgasm because of the pleasure or the way he cried when he took a mouthful.

Possibly both.

The really worrying thing is that I'm not even lasting as long as I used to! I used to be able to last a good couple of hours. Now? Well, only two hours! Devastating! Therefore I have decided to set a challenge!

All women I deem well enough must provide me with the best orgasm of my life! If they fail? Well, I suppose I'll just have to sacrifice them to the Supreme Deities Odin and Thor. Why? No reason, I just haven't sacrificed anybody to them and I think it'll be a fun little trick. If they don't fight at Ragnarok? Then they'll have to pleasure me once more, if they again fail to satisfy me then they shall have to live in Helheim... with Hel. And Balder.

...no... they wouldn't. They'd be incinerated when the Gods fail... and the World Tree is set aflame... hmm. I should hope that you please me then, eh?

HAH! Foolproof!

(Thump's note: I realise women shouldn't be in battle, but it'd be amusing to make them hold a sword)

It is I who shall go to Valhalla! I shall find a woman there to please me! I shall ejaculate them through the wall and out of Asgard! My eyes have been laid upon Idun! Her apples are ripe for the picking and I shall be the picker!

Or I could just stay with Alex and be content with how much love we share... oh damn, this is a tricky one... eh... shite.

Alex it is.

All other females must pleasure a manic depressive who shall then kill himself as he was used and then the woman shall commit suicide shortly after realising she forced the depressive into committing suicide.

I WIN!

On an unrelated note: Today I saw somebody (male) who was skinnier than me! I say again:

I WIN!