Christians, Norse and Sexually Transmitted Diseases... all in the same day! (11/9/06)

So, I realised the time of year the other day. "Alright, Thump," a little voice in my head spoke. "It's that time of year again. Time to go find out if your promiscuous ways have melted your penis." I sighed a sigh that only grown men sigh when their woman just says "Honey? I'm pregnant.". Y'know, that sigh that symbolises your life coming to an end.

So, off I went to the Sexual Health clinic!

Now, an amusing bit of trivia here. As me and my girlfriend walked down Northumberland street (A very popular shopping street in Newcastle) we noticed there was a band. Recently I've become very anti-christian... don't know why, but I have. Alex mentioned how sweet it was that a bunch of men and women were singing about their glorious god and such. However, when I rampaged around them screaming "HAIL ODIN AND THOR! THE TRUE GODS OF THIS WORLD!" it becomes embarrassing, apparently. So I decided to see how far I could take it. Naturally.

I ran up to one of the people (the one with a tambourine!) and started singing into her microphone. Then I figured I was wasting my time and I made this apparent. So y'know what I did? I sang! What did I sing? Manowar - Swords in the Wind. Think about this for a second... really, think about it. Imagine the lyrics here.

"God is good, god is great, now it's time to appreciate his work for us, he died on the cross, he lived life from the moss, the rolling stone called Jesus." or something to that effect. Then I chime in with:

"I surrender my sword, Odin hear my call, One day I'll sit beside your throne, in Valhalla's great hall." Now... apparently Alex wasn't too fond of this and began to walk away. What did I do? I cart wheeled out of the circle and screamed a final "HAIL ODIN!" before running after her... which I did while screaming "ALEX MY DARLING, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU!" her natural reply was "I don't know you! Go away!"... oh, that's how you want to play it? "ALEX! MY GIRLFRIEND, MY BELOVED, MY ONE AND ONLY! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!".

I enjoyed that day. Anyway, back to the original story.

Eventually we got to the SHC and I sat down and booked myself in. We were waiting about 30 minutes when an old(ish) man and a middle aged woman walked in screaming how we were godless heathens... naturally I challenged her. I asked her to define 'god' and then to define 'godless'. She said: "God is the almighty lord who will purge us from sinners!" when asked to define 'godless' she said: "Somebody who refuses to accept the lord into their lives!". I simply shut her up by saying: "Somebody who chooses not to accept the lord into their lives. Bugar off, we're here for our own good, not yours.".

No such luck.

She came back by calling me the spawn of Satan and all the usual bullshit they pipe out at me. So I decided to take a different turn on things. I asked her to define 'god' once more. She repeated what she said earlier. I retorted with: "Ah... well, Odin and Thor will filter all who oppose us.". She then defined godless, then retorted about how I'm a godless heathen. "O rly?" Said I, "O rly indeed".

"How can I be godless if I worship gods?"

No response.

"You were saying?"

Still, no response.

"I know I'm attractive but I'm not going to fuck you. Stop staring at me. Answer me."

The slightest murmur echoed from her fat, ugly, black hole of infinitely bullshit spewing mouth.

"Didn't catch that?"

A bit louder this time... getting closer!

"Repeat that and use the vocal chords you were born with."

A semi-decibel higher.

"FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST YOU INBRED BITCH! SPEAK THE FUCK UP!"

That pissed her off. That pissed her off good. "BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMING HEATHEN! TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN, WILL YOU?! YOU'LL LEARN WHAT'S COMING TO YOU ONCE YOU REACH HELL!". "Hail Odin, lord of all. Kill her... for the sake of mankind. Kill her!", the thing about this one... I didn't actually mean to say it. I was thinking it... and it came out of my mouth... in a room full of people I asked the Lord Odin to kill this annoying, fat, flabby, mouthy cow.

How didn't I get arrested? The security guards came and thanked me for such a wonderful show on the CCTV cameras. They said it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen in their lives and it's good to see somebody taking a stand to these two psycho's who (get this) come into the clinic regularly to preach. Now, I've always complained about having christianity forced on me... but this is taking a bit of the piss, isn't it?

Anyway, I was finally called and I went into the room and sat down. Guess what? I get one of the best looking nurses ever to exist on the whole of the planet. I swear, I had a porn clip which was about 2 minutes long a couple of years ago with two lesbian nurses in full PVC nurse gear. I loved it... well, remove the PVC and replace it with nylon (relatively tight nylon) and you have this nurse.

How the hell do these expect me to remain flaccid when she has hold of my beloved Simba?! This was the cruellest trick ever to be played on a man. Ever. Well, I immediately got an erection and I had an image of bending her over right their and then. Anyway, I stopped fantasising and started playing a rather nasty image in my head. Something to help get rid of the tent pole down my trousers (worth noting that I was wearing tight fucking jeans too...).

I got rid of it and she inserted her magical poking stick down my japs eye... which promptly made me ejaculate into her eye which I offered to kiss better, but she denied it and said it happens quite often. Anyway, I got back home with my girlfriend and we started cuddling and what not. Couple of days later I got a phone call from the clinic. It was the nurse.

I began talking to her, y'know, being smooth and all. Then she told me about her eye... it was pregnant. Her brain was beating it up calling it a whore and a godless heathen and I just felt so bad. I asked her to get it aborted because it would cause just way too much pain for the eye and it isn't fair because the eye could never really get a chance to leave its socket and enjoy itself.

Well, I'm in a court battle to fight for custody of the kids. Her left eye says the babeye will push them apart, the brain says it wants nothing to do with it, the right eye is suing for social misconduct and I'm agreeing with the left eye.

Who knows what the outcome will be. :(