Oh, look! I found a Ped Xing! (02/06/06)

Alright, here's an interesting story.

I was on the bus heading into the City Centre yesterday to meet a friend of mine. Now, I know, Thump and society don't particularly get along... but hey, some people worship me. Why do they worship me? Because I'm uber awesome and you should all worship me. I digress, I was heading into the City Centre on a really awesome public transportation device (known as a bus...) and I just happened to look onto the road and realised it had writing on it!

Fucking teenage graffiti artists...

Anyhoo, the writing said something along the lines of 'WARNING! PED XING!'... what the fuck is that shit? I actually read it aloud as: 'ped exx ing'... my god, I may not have the internets nowadays, but I still can't think in a basic way (Y'know, having to face stupidity on a daily basis and all...). So I thought about it, and after about 30 minutes I thought: "Oh hey, Pedestrian Crossing! Oh god, that's bad...". Then, not for the first time, I lost faith in humanity. For now Newcastle City Council are hiring retarded inbreeds to write on roads. Great... I should be able to get a job no problem!

But really now, what the hell is with 'ped xing'? And come to think of it... why is the pedestrian crossing dangerous? Even more importantly... where in the holy fuck is this pedestrian crossing? I've lived in Newcastle all my life (17 years. It's depressing.) and I've regularly walked into the city centre... but I don't see any pedestrian crossing there. I mean, there's an island... with part of the fence missing on both sides... but there isn't the typical marks of a pedestrian crossing.

Therefore I have a plan! I'm going to accept this 'ped xing'! That's right! But not as a pedestrian crossing. Seeing as it's obviously dangerous (that's why it gives warning) I'm going to assume it's similar to a pedestrian crossing. Now, allow us to look at spelling. 'Ped' hmm, what is a ped? I checked the dictionary and I see nothing about a 'ped', it must be a name!

Now we come to a 'Xing'... alright, let's throw my idea about the 'exx-ing' pronunciation, let's pretend it's one of those special X's only seen on the word 'Xylophone'. Now it says 'Zing'! Ped Zing! 'Xing' is obviously an eastern Asian’s family name, therefore a 'Ped Xing' is a Japanese/Chinese terrorist! Or a member of the Triads... or the Yakuza or whatever... so it's painfully obvious that the danger is quite large.

Naturally, I've given this some thought. As usual. Here's what happens. You're sitting, doing nothing of any interest other than trying to cross the Ped Xing, when you see a gap in the cars. You obviously think: "Fuck yes! GOGOGO!" and run the fuck over the road. So, you tempt fate and ignore the big warning sign that comes with these new modernised Ped Xings and cross. What happens then? It's quite simple, really. You get attacked by Ped Xing, goon of the Asian Mafia.