I have a nice rectum! (23/02/06)

Here's an interesting story for you. I was waiting for the metro to head over to my girlfriend’s house, right? Cool story, eh? No, seriously. I was waiting for the metro to take me over to my girlfriends and I was just standing, minding my own business, listening to some Blind Guardian, y'know, the usual. Well, two girls were standing on the other platform (opposite to where I was) and shouted over "YOU'VE GOT A NICE ARSE!”.

Yay!

Now, this terrified me. Not because I was standing in such a way where they couldn't see my arse (unless there happened to be a mirror conveniently placed behind me), but because (as I said) I was listening to Blind Guardian. Do you want to know what I heard? I don't care if you don't want to know, I was planning on telling you anyway. I heard: "When time stands still at the iron arse!", how pleasant, Hansi, you sexy beast.

Anyway, once I realised my mistake I looked over and said "Eh, same to you?" in a rather sheepish voice. What lesson did I learn? That women don't like you to tell them they have a nice arse (for the record, she didn't). She looked at me and then screamed at the top of her voice "FUCKING PERVERT! I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND FUCKING KILL YOU!". Guess what I said? C'mon... guess. It's not that random. It's incredibly sad, but it wasn't too random. See, I was playing Starfox 64 all day... so what was said just so happened to relate to Starfox 64.

"DO A BARREL ROLL!"

Only when those words were spoken did I realise "Oh shit... that was a fucking mistake.", well, guess what? It was. She came over onto my platform and asked what it meant. I said "Well, when you're in your Space Craft, and you're being tailed by two enemy crafts, I find it's best to do a barrel roll and shoot the holy living fuck out of them."... Again, that's when I realise "Thump, you're not making matters any better for yourself.", sadly I didn't care. This was fun!

She looked at me as if I were a perverted gamer (lol c wot i did ther?) and I smiled. Why did I smile? I don't know. But I smiled anyway. I thought it was pretty funny. She eventually called me a 'freak' and said that I shouldn't be allowed out. Seeing the opportunity, I took it. "They don't let me out. My nurse left the window open this morning."... Big mistake. She was intrigued by it and started enquiring more. Now, you can look at this on one of two ways. One way is that I made the mistake. The other way (and more credible way) is that she made the biggest mistake she'll ever make. Ever.

"Well, y'see, a couple of years ago I was tested by the government for my telepathic and telekinetic abilities. I underwent the usual tests... IQ examinations, CAT scans, X Rays... y'know, the regular things. Then, after a while the testing took a more 'psychic' turn. I had to move objects with my mind and other such things I'm sure you know of [Thump's note: She didn't realise I was calling her a psycho. I win.]. However, after about three months into the testing, I caved under my own genius. I began to think that I was the offspring of Marilyn Monroe and Chuck Norris. It eventually resulted in my being deemed 'psychopathic with homicidal tendencies' and then locked away in a padded cell for three years. Well, that wasn't going to keep me down. As I said, my nurse left the window open when she came in to give me my medication and I took the chance. I'm leaving for Germany... I love you, come with me, mother!"

I can't tell you her exact reaction, but I can tell you I had to have all three of my testicles removed from my stomach. It hurt. Eventually the metro came and I was left to crawl onto it cradling my stomach with that oh-so sickly feeling that comes with being kicked full force in the testicles. I cried on the metro. I cried like a little girl. Then I slapped a little girl with my penis. It felt damn good knowing my penis was the first she'd been slapped with (I hope...).

Anyway, on my way back home I was walking down the street adjacent to my own, with DragonForce - Valley of the Damned blaring in my ears. Obviously I was focusing on the music and on my surroundings... then I heard it. Somebody shouted something at me... it sounded painfully like the word 'puff'. So, being me I thought "OH FUCK YES! MARSH MELLOW!", I don't know why I thought this... I blame the experiments I was subjected to for a year of my life. Anyway, next thing I knew BAM! A stone hits the fence beside me. I looked over to see a little kid standing laughing at me.

What in Odin’s penis?!

No word of a lie, this kid was only about 12 and he called me a marsh mellow and almost hit me with a stone. What did I do? I picked the stone back up, threw it at him and yelled "Stupid liquorice allsort!". I wasn't playing no games now. As it turns out, I'm a pretty good shot. It hit him in the head! Right on the eyebrow... do you know what happens when a 16 year old with a fair bit of strength throws a jagged stone at your eyebrow? That's right. Yeah, you've got it... it starts bleeding. Heavily.

Oh dear. This isn't a very good situation to be in. At all. So he's standing, right? Crying and shit. And I'm standing laughing my fucking head off... I actually said "No way is that going to hi-- OH FUCKING WIN!". Well, let's just say, his parents weren't impressed. I don't go out much nowadays, however since my internet was cut off I'm forced to go to somebody’s house to use their internet... well, as I've said before, my knees aren't exactly healthy... but the muscle hasn't entirely dropped away... which is good, seeing as they were about to be given a rather vigorous exercise.

His parents heard the noisy little brat, and his dad started chasing me. I ran. Like a bat out of fucking hell. I did a one and a half mile run in 13 minutes with the army... well, I did about two and a half miles in about 10 minutes. Paratroopers here I come! Anyway, I finally jumped over a couple of fences and cut across a couple of back gardens and lost him. Fortunately.

Now, the problem here is that I have already cut some little kids eyebrow open with a stone... now I'm trespassing! Yay! I'm like, a comic book villain, only I don't get caught. That's how fucking hardcore I am. So! I'm left with two decisions. I can fight the law, or sit at home, venturing to leave the house three times a week.

Guess which I'm going to choose.