Jumpers for Goalposts (22/06/06)

Before I begin this entry, I'm gonna tell you a little about where I grew up.

I live in Newcastle Upon Tyne, not a very rich city (unless you're speaking of culture). I grew up in several sections of Newcastle, Heaton, High Heaton, Wallsend and Walker. None of them are classified as 'posh' areas... if they ever are? Satan will be lacing up his ice skates. The good thing about living in poorer areas is that the culture and the people are incredible. There's things you learn that you'll never know about unless you live in a place like these. Granted, I'm a bit of a black sheep, listening to metal, wearing dark colours and having relatively long hair... but some of the time you meet somebody who doesn't want to kick your head in.

The only thing any young kid around Newcastle thinks about? Football. We loved the damned game! I hated watching football, but playing it? I was in heaven. I was never a good striker, but I was a wonderful midfield defender. On occasion I'd get the odd goal in, but I was always a defender... and a lot of the time, I was the 'go to' guy for penalties. Once the rest of the team realised I rarely missed, anyway. If I had kept playing football, I honestly believe I could actually be in a reserve team by now, unfortunately I suffered an injury while I became a midfield striker. Fat fuck fell on my leg as I slid into the box to knock the ball into the net (Or wall...). Instant dislocation. Painful shit, especially now... now it's arthritic. They both are, the left knee was due to a skateboarding accident (IE: I fell off).

Now, when you were a young lad in Newcastle, kicking a ball around the school yard using your jumpers for a set of goalposts, we pretended we were famous players. Naturally, being from Newcastle, I support Newcastle United. Of course, one of the best players we've ever had here at NUFC is Alan Shearer (The best being Jackie Millburn). Sadly, I wasn't that popular in school (neither primary nor secondary school) so if I said I was Alan Shearer, somebody would say something like: "If you're Shearer, I'm going to pull your hair". This for a five year old with long hair... is, well... scary.

No, no it isn't. I was just lazy.

So, of course, being young we had to choose teams. Please keep in mind that if a player didn't play for the team of our choice, that meant nothing as to whether or not you couldn't play as certain players! Damn, we were clever fuckers! Apparently, Ronaldo played for Liverpool, Newcastle and Manchester United within the space of a week! We must have been fucking rich!

See, back then, we never realised that saying we were Ronaldo (Brazilian number 9) was something the adults would laugh at. Why didn't we realise? Because he got great press! Ronaldo was (and still is) the biggest goal scorer for Brazil in history! He even puts Pele second! Now I'm older, I know why he's the greatest goal scorer in Brazilian football history. Why is he? One simple reason: He never enters his own side of the pitch.

He stands within running distance (which for him is probably about five meters) of his opponent’s goal, and then stays there. All. Fucking. Game. He can only just kick a ball in a straight line! What the fuck is that shit about? Come to think about it, that's the only reason the good footballers of school were so good. Because they didn't move from the penalty box. That's why I wasn't a centre forward, because I ran around the pitch tiring myself out and running after the ball, trying to stop them scoring... I should have just stayed up next to their goal!

Up until recently, I hated football. I loved it so much when I was a kid, and then I suddenly hated it. People couldn't understand how I could make that transition. I hated football because I couldn't play it. I can kick a ball here and there, but if I play football as I'd like too? Well, my knee caves in and I go arse over tit. It's only funny when I'm drunk. No, really, it's only funny when I'm drunk. When I'm sober? I'll kill you if you don't pamper me when I'm injured.

Y'know, I'm sure there was a really big punch line when I started writing this, but I've had too much alcohol since then and I can't actually remember the point. So this is now the punch line. I'm not wasting this amount of work.

Now you all get drunk.