Dear Microsoft, I am not happy with your products. (18/06/06)

So, as you all may know, I am rather fond of Microsoft XP. Well, you know how much I love insects and beetles? To coin a phrase, I love bugs in general. Me and XP have had a rocky relationship, what with it constantly corrupting my DVD-ROM and my DVD-RW's drivers, oh how it's so much fun to repair your system only to loose all your music (And a perfectly good HDD) for four fucking months.

I think I may be a little bitter.

However, all the problems that XP contains, the security bugs, the automatic updates that take up the best part of your hard drive and then complain that there is not enough space and everything else, yesterday I found the true problem that I have with MSXP.

Solitaire looks crappy.

How dare they! Those inconsiderate bastards over at Microsoft have a serious problem with giving their customers value for money. First, they suck Intel's dick and then expect us to be happy when the damned CPU overheats and explodes, then they delete Internet Explorer while trying to patch a problem they made (Now, that's not a bad thing. What pisses me off is that it was an accident...), then, to put the cherry on the cake... what do they do? They make more problems by fixing others! Yay! Long live Nazisoft!

Putting all those problems aside, though, Solitaire looks crap. I expect my Solitaire to run at a minimum of 387FPS. If it doesn't? I get angry. To prove my point further, I layed out one deck (of many) cards in the Solitaire formation. Then, I booted up Solitaire. Well, it was certainly neater than my cards... but I decided to have a fair test. I got my five year old brother and asked him to draw the cards. Now, this kid is a terrible drawer, he's five for god sakes... Beethoven wrote his first symphony when he was about that age.

Anyway! I asked him to draw the cards, and he did. My five year old brothers picture of squares looked better than Microsoft Solitaire. I looked into the other games and I was terrified to find a King hiding in a square winking at my mouse cursor. That isn't very kingly, now, is it? I shrugged it off and decided he was obviously a pervert. Then I booted up Microsoft Hearts. It was only then that I realised that there was something wrong with my computer. I don't have the internet anymore... and there were three other people... playing Hearts with me... what the fuck? Is there a remote connection somewhere?

So, I checked out my computer, checked the cables and finally activated my firewall. After activating Norton's Shitfire, I ran AVG anti-virus. To my horror I found no viruses... and Norton's Shitfire wasn't detecting anything... strange. Then it dawned on me. There are three people living in my computer who do nothing but wait for me to play 'Hearts'.

Pauline, Michele and Ben. Hmm... I tried to type to them but nothing happened. I began execution of Plan B... I plugged in my webcam (which has a microphone built into it) and began talking... nothing happened. Now I was scared. As far as I know, only old people play Hearts... so I have three people in my computer who have to have been there for a while... because they're old.

Now, what troubles me is this: How long have these people been in my computer? Why did they come to me?

Nobody knows. And it's scary. I'll update with any answers I may find at another point.

God speed.

Update: I have became a fugitive. I am now using a Linux system in an attempt to purge these people from my computer, I'm scared to check. What has a Linux system have to do with my becoming a fugitive? A man on the run? I'll tell you why, shall I? Yeah, I think I will.

They're terrorists.

Seriously! I booted up Microsoft Hearts to check if they were still there, and of course, they were. I immediately closed the program hoping that they didn't realise me, but then I saw something else. Minesweeper. I opened it up to find a block of 10x10 grey squares and a smiley face. I clicked on a square, praying to Odin that nothing terrible would have happened. What did I uncover? It's too terrible to say, but I might just go ahead and say it anyway.

A bomb.

They had planted numerous bombs in my computer inside of a simple program named 'Minesweeper'. I thought it was an AntiVirus program, but I could not have been that lucky. I immediately phoned the police and explained the story and they just hung up on me. I phoned up MI5 and they hung up on me. I phoned the SAS and I hung up on them once I remembered my last meeting with them.

It was obvious the authorities were in on the whole scam, so I hit the road. I vowed an oath to Thor, saying I would take this computer with me, in case somebody comes into contact with the terrorists. I don't know when I'll be able to next update, but I hope I will live to see the morrow.

Wish me luck.