Another serious moment, if I may. (02/08/06)

Now, recently this topic has really been getting on my tits. I know what I've said in previous updates and some of the more seriousness ones may be contradicted by this post. It might be noted that this may end up with a punch line, but as I'm writing it it isn't intended to have any. This is a serious post which addresses relatively serious issues and it may offend (like I give a fuck anyway. If you haven't been offended so far, I doubt you'll be offended now).

Sex is a rather strange topic, I address it with tongue in cheek humour and hope people just laugh about it (which is my intention, this is after all a blog you can come to to have a laugh, not be laden with angst), if you don't? Stop reading! I don't care if you like to read my posts or not, I started this blog as a electronic e-zine, really. The first post I did is obvious, however it wasn't until the end of it I veered off topic and it made me giggle, so I went along with it and it turned into what it is today.

Of course, a lot of my posts seem to be sexually orientated, but what the hell else do you expect from a 17 year old male? Milk and fucking cookies? I've held back a lot of rants from you guys because I don't want to agitate you all, but this one is so annoying it has to be written about. What is it? Of course! It's sex.

What, you didn't expect those milk and cookies, did you?

Now, this society is very anti-sex. It's a difficult topic to discuss among certain social groups and is genuinely made a joke of. I understand the risk young people run with sex, I understand that the idea of 'making love' is long gone and is now primal urges. But for the love of Christ, sex is about pregnancy! It feels good because it encourages us to do it more often and reproduce more, you wouldn't want to reproduce if the first part of contraception was the most painful experience you've ever underwent, would you?

Now close your email client and delete that little shred of hate mail that makes your e-penis grow so large and allow me to elaborate. Sex was always about reproduction. I personally don't think it was ever meant for pleasure. Men are around to make babies, women are around to look after babies (ATTN: WOMEN: CLOSE YOUR EMAIL CLIENT AND DELETE THAT LITTLE SHRED OF HATE MAIL THAT MAKES YOUR E-BREASTS GROW SO LARGE AND ALLOW ME TO ELLABORATE).

Simple biology states that women produce eggs, men produce sperm, sperm meets egg, sperm takes egg out for dinner, sperm gets egg drunk, egg falls asleep, sperm breaks in and BAM! INSTA-BABY! (Please note: This is the shit I mean. I can't talk about sex without making a joke out of it. Fuck society) Naturally, the woman gives birth and a baby is born. In the days of the cave-men, what do you think the father did? He fucked around behind his woman's back. Why? Because he was horny and didn't have the technological advantages we have today (Yes, that's contraceptives I'm talking of).

This is why it's called 'primal instincts'. It's the most primitive of urges and it keeps civilization alive. Humans aren't as strong as animals and insects and we can't just dump a baby into the street and expect it to fend for itself. It has to be looked after, which the woman seems to do and I have no excuse for it other than maternal instinct. I'm not sure that this is how it worked in the days of the cave, but it's the only thing I can think of.

For some reason, religion has began to play a rather large part of my life and coming from a country which is largely christian (refuse to capitalise, don't email me with spelling or grammatical errors), you'd think I would be christian, right? Wrong. I absolutely despise christianity in every way shape and form. I've been spoon fed with the bullshit all my life and it's been forced upon me (and others, of course).

Believe it or not, I believe in what is now known as 'Norse Mythology'. From now on it shall be discussed as 'Norse' as I feel the word 'mythology' is inappropriate and ignorant. Now, the christians all think that christianity is the correct religion and that's fair enough... but don't keep bitching about it. You all think that it's so righteous and that the Lord and his followers can do no wrong... well if that's the case, why did the Lord's followers invade countries, mow down trees like matchsticks in order to build your churches?

One of the most affected religions of this? Probably Paganism. I don't know much about it, to be fair so I won't drone on about it. I suggest reading Varg Vikerness' biography (on his website or his book, whichever you prefer) and read what he has to say about judeo-christianity and it's greatness. That man could talk more about the crimes of the christians than I could, so use him as a point of reference this time around. I won't go into what I'm not too sure about because some smart arse is going to come along and prove me wrong anyway.

I won't dispute the history of the religion because, let's face it, for a guy who believes that apples can give mortals eternal life (unless slain in battle) - resurrection isn't a long way off. As I said, I'm not aiming to insult anybody with this rant and I expect the same from all of you.

In fact, I will dispute part of the history of christianity. The story is Adam and Eve. What total bollocks (I promise this all ties together into one long rant if you give it time and remember the topic of sex). Roughly, the story is that Adam was put on earth by god, he met a girl in Eden called Lillitha (or something similar) and she was the spawn of Satan (or was it Satan in disguise...?) so he broke up with her, cried and cut himself. He then met Eve who was conveniently placed in his humble garden. They met, had sex, had loads of kids and lived from the surrounding vegetation. Eventually Eve realises that there is this apple tree and there's a snake who loves to sit on this tree all day long. Now god told them not to eat the apples from this tree or talk to the evil, evil serpent, but these guys were fucking rebels! And Eve, being a typical woman, listened to nothing her man told her and ended up eating these fucking apples releasing evil and greed into the world.

I feel dirty.

Instead of reinstalling Earth BC, the humble god decided to leave the world as it was. So technically, your benevolent god created evil and greed and whatever else by making these apples. Great. Thank you, god. You're a fucking dick. I'm not sure how this all comes about, but according to christians (especially fundamentalists) masturbation is a sin. I talked to a christian rocker (terrible music, he was about 14 at the time. LUE invaded the bands forums) and he said that it spoils the treat for your future wife.

...what fucking treat?

"Hey, honey! I've never had sex, never masturbated or anything like that, so I won't last five minutes and I expect you to orgasm and enjoy all four thrusts!". Masturbation is generally frowned upon by society because it's dirty and disgusting... maybe, but it feels good. There's cases of people who die virgins because they're brought up to believe that sexual intimacy is dirty. I'm sorry, but taking something enjoyable away from somebody is cruel (unless it's morbid... in which case, go ahead).

That's like taking music away from me and saying: "Continue with your life, but you can't listen to music. If you listen to so much as a note, you'll be executed.". I swear, I'd be dead within five minutes from being told I wasn't allowed to listen to music. I'm absolutely addicted.

Really, though. Sex before marriage is acceptable, I suppose. To be fair, I don't practice it (Sex after marriage, that is), but if somebody wants to wait to meet somebody they genuinely love in order for the act to be committed? Power to them! On the flip side, if somebody doesn't want to wait to become married to enjoy sex - why tell them that they're going to be sent to hell? Am I going to be sent to hell for giving into the overwhelming urge to listen to music? Nope, I'll be sent to Valhalla because I fight for free will and morality.

I'm the most sceptical person when it comes down to religion and when that religion tells somebody exactly how to live their life? It ceases to be a religion. Best example I can immediately think of is: "On the seventh day, god rested."... ohh. It all makes sense now! The day that god rests, we get up at 5am, go to church and spend a day worshipping somebody who hasn't really done a real days work for millennia? He did six days work! He was even too lazy to reinstall Earth BC! Odin, lord of all! Is this guy a fucking tosser or what? At least Odin, Thor and their comrades fought almost every day of their lives to make the worshippers have an easier life!

In essence, I'm sick of judeo-christianity and the way it is impacting our society. In the christian countries, what happens? Religion becomes an excuse for everything. As I said, there are cases where people have stayed virgins all their lives because they believe it to be a sin to share themselves with someone they love. Others have had sex once or twice in order to conceive and decided they hated it because it is in fact a sin. No, it's an instinct. Something we've done for centuries and is shared by almost all creatures of this humble little planet. Stop bitching about sinners and saints.

I'm not saying that Norse is morally correct (somebody is bound to mention it). The Viking warriors pillaged, plundered and raped for the simple fact that they felt like it and needed to take land (not all the time, of course. Quite a bit of the time was actually more of a case of trading). The day when ideology becomes an excuse for war is when it becomes null and void (discounting the Armageddon’s, of course). What kind of god would say: "Oh sure, you go kill that race because they don't share the same belief as you"? Personally, that god is pretty fucked up.

I'll leave it for now. I'll update when I next have the energy to complete this. I know it's turned into a bit of a bitching session against the christians, but it wasn't intended to be that way. I don't plan these things out. I get a rough concept idea and write about it. I don't plan the whole thing out in a pro forma. If you're offended? Fuck off. I couldn't give a fuck either way.

UPDATE: So, I've finally decided to update this... on the 26th August. Reason being? I forgot about it.

Alright, I've bitched about the christians, but now it's time to get onto the matter at hand. Sex!

Seriously, people. Sex is something which is enjoyed nowadays, why do we have to lie about it and pretend that it's something we should never do? I lost my virginity when I was 15, I had sex many times before that but due to the consumption of way too much alcohol I couldn't remember the girl. Sometimes I could remember the girl, but not the sex, other times I couldn't remember the sex nor the girl. Cookie, crumble etc. Now, the age of consent is 16 in Britain, but I still wouldn't let my parents know I'd had sex! Why?

Because it's dirty, disgusting and something you should never do unless married, apparently.

But what's the difference? Say you get married. You have a bit of paper and a ring on your side and it's an abusive relationship. You were forced into it and you absolutely hate your spouse. What do you do? You have sex with them... then get shit beaten out of you for being a bad shag. Yay! The joys of marriage! Alright, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little but at the end of the day, a marriage certificate, a change of name and an extra ring around your fourth digit doesn't make it alright to have sex. Why? Because nothing stopped you having sex before!

A ring, a change of name and a marriage certificate doesn't have any magical properties of mythical proportions. It doesn't mean you must then have sex. It doesn't mean that you can or can't have sex... we live in a 'free' country (hopefully everybody reading this blog lives in a free country) but we must keep what goes on in our bedrooms to ourselves? No, I'm not fighting for bragging rights, I just can't see the point of so much secrecy over something so natural. It's similar to growing a plant and refusing to let anybody see it.

I'm getting bored of bitching about this now so I'm going to sum it up about now.

Everything that you and your girlfriend do behind closed doors (Sex, foreplay and other such fun) contains few variables to what your parents did to make you. Penis inserted into vagina, moved in and out until ejaculation, pleasure for all, end of fun.

Everything that you do in your own bedroom (or in front of people for that matter, no matter how many are involved/watching) has been done before by many people over many years so stop denying it! You give yourself pleasure, nobody is going to think anything less of you for caving into a natural instinct. Your pleasure stick wanted to be stroked so you stroked it. Maybe your love tunnel wanted to be touched, I don't care, it's natural, stop hiding it, stop worrying about it, stop thinking it's dirty and wrong.

If you do think masturbation and sex is dirty, remember one thing: Dirt always washes away.