Something has happened. Something absolutely devastating... (10/07/06)

As the title implies, something absolutely horrific, something that can barely be composed into words has happened to the King of Awesomeness and Superiority (For the unbelievers: That's me). It's bad news to women all over, and good news to the men of our vile, sadistic world.

Women: I have ceased to find your oh so curvaceous figure (or any other female body, for that matter) attractive.

Men: You don't have to worry about me stealing your girlfriend as often.

I don't know what has happened. I was thinking today about women, as I often do, and it hit me how down right ugly the female form really was. Now I'm not saying a wang is better looking than the bush down under, but it isn't that far off it. Maybe I've just been in Britain too long, maybe I need some foreign vagina, I don't know... what I do know is that every toolbox I've put my spanner into fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Now, I know this is going to sound strange (and certain Brits maybe offended, especially the females) but from my experience Americans have 'neater' vaginas than us Limeys. Seriously. I feel ashamed when an American guy bends a Brit girl over for a good hard session. Why do I feel ashamed? When the Labia Majora is bouncing off the knees and her vaginal sideburns are actually inside the sexual organ... and she's of the same ethnic origin of me.

Of course I'm not saying my penis is absolutely perfect... believe me it isn't. I have something which resembles a scar (no idea how it got there) running along the back of my wang. However, at least it looks like a wang! Almost every girl I've been with has a scary vagina. Why does this worry me? It doesn't! It just happens to be quite a turn off when you realise you're putting your hammer into a Yorkshire pudding.

I feel I must point out the fact that not every girl in Britain has a scary vagina... but most of them do. I've been with one... maybe two (three is pushing it) girls who have a love tunnel with everything in the correct place and nothing hanging out. Now, I'm not opposed to a bit of sag, if you know my meaning... it proves that this girl likes sex and of course that's absolutely fine with me! Sex is a healthy exercise, and a great reason to smoke!

Needless to say, this isn't likely to stop me helping the females of the world with their sexual frustration and stress... unless they're bleeding/are crack whores/are collecting STD's/are ugly as sin/are morbidly obese/are actually men. Tick off the ones you might be and then get back to me. In fact, this has inspired me to create a table of sorts... read on and fill in the questionnaire to see if you're applicable. This shit is going to take me a long fucking time to complete so you'd better do it.

1. Are you:

a. [ ] Male?

b. [ ] Female?

2. Are you:

a. [ ] Homosexual?

b. [ ] Bisexual?

c. [ ] Heterosexual?

d. [ ] Transsexual?

e. [ ] Asexual?

f. [ ] Used to be male/female?

e. [ ] a transvestite?

3. Are you:

a. [ ] Blonde?

b. [ ] Brunette?

c. [ ] Ginger (Redhead?)

d. [ ] Bald?

4. Are you:

a. [ ] Anorexic?

b. [ ] Skinny?

c. [ ] Curvaceous?

d. [ ] Chubby?

e. [ ] Meaty?

f. [ ] Fat?

g. [ ] Clinically obese?

5. What style is your pubic hair?

a. [ ] Shaggy dog.

b. [ ] Trimmed.

c. [ ] Triangular.

d. [ ] Brazilian.

e. [ ] Shaven.

6. What is your bra size?

a. [ ] A

b. [ ] B

c. [ ] C

d. [ ] D

e. [ ] Other (Please Specify)

If other: ______________________

7. Roughly, how large is your sex drive?

a. [ ] What the hell is a sex drive?

b. [ ] I usually get horny a couple of times a year.

c. [ ] About average.

d. [ ] I prefer to have sex at least twice a day.

e. [ ] GIVE ME SEX, YOU INCREDIBLY SEXY MALE! NOW! 24 HOURS OF PURE LOVE!

8. Do you have:

a. [ ] Sexually Transmitted Diseases/Infections?

b. [ ] Excessive amounts of hair?

c. [ ] A penis?

9. Am I:

a. [ ] Gods gift to frustrated/pained women?

b. [ ] Emperor of the universe?

c. [ ] The most incredible person to grace this earth with the intelligansce and intilekt eva?

d. [ ] An arrogant pile of self absorbed, congealed shit? (Note: If marked, come to me immediately for rehabilitation and/or re-education)

10. Are you:

a. [ ] A psychopath?

b. [ ] A homicidal murderer with suicidal tendencies?

c. [ ] A sex addict? (Note: If marked, come to me immediately for lots of attention)

11. Doesn't heavy/power metal own the hell out of every other genre of music ever to exist?

a. [ ] Yes.

===END OF SURVEY===

How to complete the survey:

1. Copy and paste into the comments box.

2. Mark relevant boxes with an X (EG: [X])

3. Mark the correct boxes to spend multiple nights with myself and a bed and (if lucky) a box of condoms.

GOGOGO!

NOTE: Upon reading through this again, I actually forgot I did that 'intellaginse' thing and immediately set out to correct it... I'm never sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.