How vaguely emo. (04/07/06)

Alright, I know the banner says if I post anything remotely emo I have to give you my address so you can kill me. Well, I won't give you my address directly, but I'll tell you an accessible place to me. Send a letter bomb to the Stadium of Light, Sunderland. For what you're about to read isn't in the slightest bit 'me', but sometimes a guy needs to vent.

Some of you guys may know that I (stupidly) got involved with my ex girlfriend again early on in March. Well... we had a great month or two but now it's came to an end. I finished it and I'm prepared to take full responsibility, however that doesn't stop it from hurting. Now, before any of you fucktard cynics start posting comments and sending emails saying: "OMG BUT UR ONLEE 17 U CNT B DAT HRT ROFLMAO!!1", the teenagers of this world are more susceptible to love than any other age group. Scientifically proven, so fuck you.

I was fine for a couple of days but last night I started having those thoughts. I don't know if any girls know what thoughts these are, but any guy who has been in a heavy as hell relationship (and genuinely cares for the girl) knows what I'm talking about. The thoughts that can keep a man up all night and reduce him to tears. This morning? I was alright... not perfect, but I was alright. Now, I've been like this all day... until about 15 minutes ago. I was listening to Galloglass - A Wintertale and it hit me... like a bag of fucking bricks.

Who in the holy fuck is touching my girl?

Again, I'm gonna launch another pre-emp attack. "But you broke up with her! She isn't your girlfriend! Stop being a puff and get on with life!". Well, I'll admit I broke up with her, I know she isn't my girlfriend anymore... but after a year of loving somebody it's difficult to break away from it. Plus: I'm one jealous motherfucker.

If you happen to be a cold hearted, inbred piece of shit then you won't care or know a thing about the word 'love'. Well, fuck you. Just for kicks, we'll have that once more: Fuck you. No, not enough emphasis. Fuck. You. That's better. Anyway, if you're a cold hearted, inbred piece of shit, you won't have any care for having thoughts about your loved one being bent over and given one hell of a hard fuck. Again, fuck you.

I've tried all my usual little tricks, listening to happy music, listening to slow music, listening to violent music, listening to depressing music, listening to classical music, singing, playing guitar, writing, texting my (new) girlfriend... nothing works. I still feel like complete shit. I know if I have a drink, it'll send me into a deep depression, and I'd rather be angsty than depressed.

What really sent me psycho was when my (new) girlfriend replied to my warning (telling her I was feeling pretty low and not to worry if I was being a little blunt with her). It said something along the lines of: "I'll always be here for you, try not to worry about it and have faith.", well, that would make most people feel better... but now I just realised something. Saying that actually makes me feel a lot worse. I mean, tears actually fell when I read it; and I'll tell you something: it sure as hell wasn't tears of joy. Tears of emo? That's more like it.

So I'm going to warn you all right now. Become religious, sleep with hookers and kill them afterwards. That way you can't be hurt... unless you get caught... and go to jail... and have the whole shower thing and all... then it might hurt a bit...

Second thoughts, just impregnate old women, because by the time they die? The kid should be about 15 and you'll have the inheritance from your wrinkly lover. Then you can be rich.

Have fun.

UPDATE: Something just happened which intrigued me. It could be described as a moment of clarity, it could be described as complete and utter loss of conscious thought... I call it the breaking of the shell.

Now, as emo as this is going to sound (worse than above, by far.), I've been enclosed in a solitary shell (No, not the song, you prat) which has forced me into the house. Because of this, I've sat in front of the computer and allowed my body to deteriorate and smoke too much. However, I was just thinking back to all my old girlfriends, Toni, Colleen, Rosz and the most recent ex... and I like to think of them as pretty serious relationships. I won't tell the world why they were, but the girls sure as hell do.

As I was saying, these girls are all what I would consider serious relationships... (Ironically enough, all of them are younger than me... Toni being the youngest) and each and every one of them hurt. Yet each and every time I've walked away, smiled and fought on... so why in the holy fuck am I prepared to give up now? Because of some stupid whore who can't grasp simple instructions? See, I have strong feelings for each of those girls that I mentioned, and two of which I have strong feelings for even now.

Anyway, this 'shell' of mine. I slowly began to hate society and refused to become an active part of it. I would work for my family and my own benefit, nobody else’s. I shunned everybody who I didn't trust and as a result I began to become more and more hateful of people and became a voluntary outcast. Unfortunately my actions have made me incapable of trust... but who needs trust? I figure that after a while, I'll meet a girl who can show me that she loves me and I'll eventually become myself again... maybe it's the real 'me' fighting out? The whore who cares of nothing but where he can get a smoke and a fuckable pussy. That's me... the kid who hates people for the hell of it.

Don't believe me? Not my problem. I'm sick of suppressing what I'm really like. It makes me violent and I end up taking it out on people who don't deserve it, think of a rottweiler who hasn't been fed for a month and is being teased by some little shit with food. That's me. Maybe I'll just let myself become who I really am and fuck everybody else. I think that this might be the ultimate moment of clarity that I'll ever have, because of that I'm going to finish off with a quote of a guy who is a Dr of Musical Science and a Knight of the Czech Republic.

Rock, drink and fuck.

Fuck the world.