Drunken aunties, little girls and loan repayments. (16/07/06)

Recently, British television has been taken over by a new fad. It all began a couple of years ago when a bank started taking songs and got some black midget with incredibly large glasses to sing them for their adverts. Now that was funny (while at the same time being mildly irritating). However, the new ones have some beefy skinhead doing Black Eyed Pea songs with a couple of girls doing the stupid dances while dressed as pen pushers... my god, how I must sign with Halifax! I can double my 'dough'!

So what's so bad about this whole thing? The lyrics. They're terrible. A lot of the time they barely make sense. Then, after the Halifax advertisements you have the new DFS adverts... where the producers employ terrible lyricists and singers who can hardly sing. Great! Now, the bad singing I can handle... but dear god, at least make the fucking lyrics make sense! Seriously! One of them actually turned to making words up in order to continue the rhythm and the rhyming pattern.

"But what does all this bad lyrics and terrible vocals have to do with little girls, Thump?", I hear you say. Well, I was just getting to that. Other companies (mainly food companies or relatively large name stores (I will not name them as Asda deserves their privacy)) hire what may be known as an 'all girl choir'... the difference between a choir and these little girls? The choir girls can actually sing. These adverts have about eight or nine girls (by my reckoning) singing songs like: "Hey Good Lookin'" and other such bollocks. Where does the music come from? It doesn't. They accompany themselves with their hands.

I've no problem with little girls singing songs that they know and enjoy. I do have a problem with those little girls clapping and singing songs that they've never heard of before while some tramp sells his body for a cup of tea. Now that would be an interesting advert. Unfortunately, it's agitating me too much, therefore I've decided to become a director. Then I'm going to give Burzum the soundtrack to an advert. It'll be great... people all over will fall asleep to the magic that is Burzum. Buy my fucking cakes now, arseholes.

On the other hand I might just construct a bomb and make the little girls of these hellish choirs go boom. Booms are always fun, like when you light a match in a room full of Nitrogen Oxide? It's so much fun, it's unbelievable.

Believe it or not, little girls with terrible voices aren't the only reason I started writing this. The other thing that is beginning to annoy me is advertising campaigns in general. Some of them make me laugh, others make me cry, others make me build a bomb and watch the boom box go, well, boom. Other adverts that tickle my hate stick is the financial adverts. The two worst sinners of all time are Norton finance and Greenhill finance. Whoever had the idea of throwing a couple of cameras in with a bunch of people who can't act needs shot.

Greenhill finance involves a camera rolling around the telemarketing office with the workers saying things that they would never say in real life. Example: "If you have credit commitments, you need not worry. Greenhill finance is here to help. If you're a homeowner, or you're retired, we have the right loan for you.". It doesn't sound too bad, right? Well, when they're reading from a screen above the camera and when it's totally unrehearsed they can't read it properly. They pause in-between every spoken word. And then there's always that woman... the one who has never put the fucking phone down!

That woman has a really forced posh accent and her lips seem eager to touch her neck. You know what I mean, the ones whose voices seem to drop a couple of semi notes when they hit the end of the sentence. My favourite part about it is that all the men want to stand up, cry and say: "I've been a virgin for 40 years and Greenhill finance still let me have a loan. We can help you, middle aged virgins!".

Norton finance is even more annoying. It's again set in an office (considerably smaller, though) and there is a woman who actually knows how to talk to the camera! The problem? She doesn't shut the fuck up. Anyway, at one point she walks in between a guy and a girl and puts her hand on the guys shoulder (never looking away from the camera, mind you. This is theatre!) and says something along the lines of: "This is George, and he can help you find the right loan!" and as she says 'this', George turns around with a really false smile and stares at the camera. He must watch that and say aloud: "I look like a fucking nonce.".

Then this mystical woman puts her hand on the girls shoulder and says the same thing about her, really. This female, however, totally fucks it up. She turns around, looks at her, realises that she's being filmed, stares at the camera and get this... forgets to smile! Once she realises her mistake she does one of those 'drunken aunty' smiles. Y'know, the ones the schoolgirls imitate when a disposable camera (from one of those 20p machines you find in the corner shops) while held at arms length.

If you don't know what the drunken aunty smile is, it's that smile where the female seems to want to show all of her teeth without realising what she's doing. It's hard to explain, but once you see it, you'll know it. I hate it, all the women do it. Or at least the majority of them.

The best part about this advert is right at the end, though. One of the girls apparently miss the cameras scattered around the office and happens to be just to the right of centre stage... what does she do? She takes her headphones off leans to her friends and says something along the lines of: "What's a camera doing here?" and then begins to laugh hysterically.

Oh, and I turn to the TV and Greenhill finance just happens to be advertising again. It's great! The guy at the end obviously has no idea what the hell he's talking about.

Now let me blow up all these loan companies and all girl choirs and ejaculate on the charred remains.

UPDATE: Asda has made the biggest mistake of their lives! Hah! I've got the little bitches! A new advert by them have the 8-9 girls (My reckoning is spot on in estimation) singing none other than Queen - Don't Stop me Now... how dare they. How dare they! BUT THERE'S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! The girls are on a bus, singing... IN FRONT OF A CAMERA! I have the advert on video! I recorded it! HAH! I know who the girls are! Now they can be punished for their crimes and cleansed of all wrong doings by way of big boom! BOOM! HAHAHA!