Danger! Fire kills Children! (12/10/06)

So anyway, as I was coming back from band rehearsals I realised that I had previously blew up my only lighter. Now, due to the fact that my tobacco pouch was running rather short I realised that this may cause a saving of my tobacco, papers and filters!

No, about five minutes after this decision was made I decided to have a smoke.

I rolled the dust of my tobacco pouch and reached into my pocket for my lighter... oh wait, look at that. I don't actually have a lighter. Because the fucking thing exploded in my bastard hand the night before! Oh well, let's start looking for a garage or something to buy some matches.

I would have bought another lighter, but the whopping 59p in my pocket didn't quite suffice, strangely enough. So I decided quite quickly on a box of matches. I found a Jet garage and decided to go into it, now I was amazed at the fact that they had Swan Vesta matches, even more amazed to find out it contained an average of 85 matches, even more amazed still at the fact that they were only 23p!

After being proud of this apparent bargain I bought it!

Well, that and I needed a smoke.

Anyway! I began wandering back home, when I got back home I realised that the matches had an intriguing sign on the back. Now, I had seen this a couple of years ago but I'd forgotten about it. It's something from Cyanide and Happiness, I swear. It's the picture of a stickman with fire engulfing a quarter of his head and the entire of his left arm with text beside it. "Danger! Fire kills children", it says.

No shit, Sherlock? Like us growed ups are any less immune to the flames? No, really - it hurts us too! We can die too! We're at more of a risk because we are allowed to light them (See that, kiddies? I can light a match without getting grounded. You light a match and you get bitchwhipped. GROWED UPS - 1; BRATS - 0)!

I'll have to get a scan of it at some point, every time I see it I just piss myself laughing. Some other interesting things listed on tobacco products are as follows:

Swan Matches

“Keep in a dry place away from children. Strike gently and away from body"

Keep in a dry place? Away from children? Does my pocket suffice? I'm sure no young child is going to go searching around my trouser pockets while they're on my legs... I'm no Gary Glitter. And like I'm going to give a match to a child when I know the dangers! I've seen your sick diagram, Swan. You evil bits of congealed ejaculatory fluid!

Now, what's this shit about striking gently and away from body? I strike the match too gently and what happens? It doesn't light... it isn't enough to scratch the red layer from it to expose the reactive chemical to the oxygen which makes flame... where's the fun in this shit? I want a smoke now, god dammit! And away from whose body? The child I'm trying to set on fire? Perhaps I might do that, just to see if the diagram is true to life.

Drum Tobacco

"Break seal gently"

What would the animal rights activists say to that, I wonder? Break what, anyway? Its morale? That would be pretty pointless I'm sure. I mean it's a seal! The morale can't be all that high, it just sits sunbathing for a while until it gets bored and dives into the water, only to come back up five minutes later... how fucking sadistic.

Of course, I kid. They're talking about the seal which keeps nasty shit out of the tobacco... which happens to be the world’s strongest glue, made from the hairs from 10,000 arachnids. They also recommend breaking a block of concrete gently too.

Pretty much any lighter fluid in the history of bottled butane

"Do not pierce, burn, inhale or spray on objects"

...why the hell would I want to pierce a can (therefore rendering it useless) of something I just paid £3.60 for? You must think I'm fucking stupid! I just paid for a bottle of a flammable substance in order to fill my lighter up... now you're telling me not to make holes in it or spray it on anything? Why would I burn the shit anyway? If I was still holding a can filled to the brim with butane and it set on fire? I've a strange feeling I'd throw it at a Frenchman. That way I'd be a lot happier when the world is a better place and the frog would be on fire.

And what's this shit about inhaling it? You've plastered 'solvent abuse can kill' all over the damned thing, yet you're making a product which is flammable and is there for the sole purpose of putting into a smaller container to carry around with you... holy shit, what an awesome idea. Fuck you very much! You're giving us something which can cause irate fires, which can burn hell out of anybody because of the freezing cold temperature of the damned thing, and it's for a lighter which is there to light cigarettes which kill you anyway, what the hell has your lighter been lighting recently?

And now for some interesting warnings on the side of tobacco products!

Every tobacco product packaging to be made in recent times

"Smoking kills"

Well done, Detective Dipshit. Like we didn't fucking know that in the first place? Shut up and smoke your own products.

"Smoking seriously harms you and the others around you"

It may hurt others, but not as much as it would if I stubbed a cigarette out on their face. That'd learn 'em!

"Smoking causes ageing of the skin"

As does stress. I can't remember taking a stressful job and being given a warning like that. Plus, I'm 17, I smoke rather heavily and I still don't look any older! I struggle to order a pint half the time! Fortunately a mystical bit of plastic with my birthday a year before hand says otherwise.

"Smoking may reduce the blood flow and causes impotence"

...rofl. If my penis was unable to stand up on end I'd prevent my blood from travelling around my body. I'd make it congeal all over my wall instead. I've no penis problems and I've a strange feeling it isn't going to die anytime soon. Some can argue that I don't get erect as often as I used to, but that can be defended with the fact that sleep has become a rare thing for me, and I'm too lazy to fuck anybody nowadays. Come to think of it, I haven't fapped it in a couple of weeks... my god, that's depressing. Maybe it does cause impotence?

Nope, I'm just lazy.

"Smoking is highly addictive, don't start"

Oh really? I thought it was just fun to spend money on white sticks to hang up on my wall and use them as expensive fucking ornaments!

"Roken kan leiden tot een langzame, pijnlijke dood Fumer peut entraÎner une mort lente et douloureuse Rauchen kann zu einem langsamen und schmerzhaften Tod führen."

...I really need to stop getting my tobacco imported.