Oh, the wonders of working with chemicals. (12/09/06)

I said a while ago that I had nothing to do while I was waiting to go to work, now it's just came to my attention that I haven't mentioned this job or how I got it. Now, as you may already know, I was at a training course just along the street named 'Rathbones'. Now, I'll admit... it fucking sucked. Big, hairy, donkey balls. The only good thing that came from it was meeting my new girlfriend... that and £57 a week for doing nothing... absolutely, quite literally nothing.

Now, not too long ago I decided to go to college to do music technology (sound engineering). I never knew how to go about it until I found out my guitarist was doing it at Newcastle college, so I thought: "Hey, fuck it. Why the hell not?". Well, I don't have the grades therefore I have to go onto an introductory course for a year and then continue onto intermediate music technology, then get a student loan and move onto advanced music technology and if I have the energy? Go onto do a degree. That means five years (minimal) at further education. Then you have to realise that a degree may take three years... which means that I could be there for seven years. How fun.

Anyway, I wasn't going to live off EMA (£30 a week if I'm at college at 9:00 on the dot ready to start at 9:15. If not? I don't get the money for that week). So, obviously I needed a part time job. Well, I finally found one... and I finally got one! Monday to Friday, 5:15 to 8:15, £5.10 an hour... not too shabby. At all. This job? Catering assistant. Somebody decided that it would be a good idea to give me a job dealing with food. They have problems.

Number one problem with my job? I have to work with my biggest weakness... maths. Day in, day out. As a catering assistant I have to serve customers, take their money, ring it up on the till and give them change... oh shit, I'm fucked. What happens? Today the person I work with basically tells me to serve people... who apparently don't have change. They give me notes. FUCKING NOTES! £20 notes for something which costs 65 bloody pence.

I digress, I'm told to clean the coffee machine and I do so. I start dismantling it, putting it in the dishwasher and put the parts that aren't able to be put into a dishwasher into a cup with an unknown chemical known only to me as D1. Yay! Now apparently, D9 you do not want to get on your hands for the simple fact that it will quite literally burn the skin from your bones. I figured that the higher the number is, the more irritant/corrosive it is!

Lies.

All lies.

Horrible, dirty, disgusting lies.

D10 is the stuff I use to wipe the tables down with. So I decided that D1 would be the most powerful thing!

Lies.

All lies.

Horrible, dirty, disgusting lies.

D1 is the stuff we do our washing up in. The chemical that is the stuff we have to wear gauntlets with (incredibly long rubber gloves). You want to know how evil this stuff is? It supposedly blisters your skin to the point where the mere touch will peel it from the bone. How fucking awesome is that?! It's so evil I don't even know what the hell we call it! It's so potent that one squirt mixed with half a cup of warm water will clean the coffee machine inside and out. It's incredible!

Now, I have a rather large fascination with chemicals. Most people who know me know that I'm fascinated by the reactions... mainly the explosions, but that's beyond the point (Thermite plus carbonised steel = fun!). Of course I had to test out how strong this mysterious chemical was. I decided it would be a good idea to test it out on certain materials. I squirted some on paper, bacon, wooden tops, lettuce, salad and I mixed it with a couple of things... half the chemicals in the kitchen, really.

At most I saw bright pink lettuce.

Now, I still didn't believe it had the skin melting properties it was supposed to have, but that doesn't mean I was willing to stick my hand underneath a stream of the stuff. Today? I did it. Not on purpose, of course, but I did it. I went to get the mystical chemical along with the tablets which I have to use to clean the coffee dispenser. I decided against putting the gloves on to pick the thing up... only to hit it on the next shelf and squirt the chemical all up my arm... and over the tablets (which began dissolving).

Shit.

I wiped the flesh deprived chemical from my arm using the only thing which was close to me. Ironically enough, it was something I needed at that time (which was a black bag or as some say; 'bin liner'). I washed it off my arm just to be safe. Then guess what? I kept touching the fucking stuff as I was putting the bin liner in the fucking bin. This is when my balls grew and I just kept it on my hand and my arm.

Now I'm missing a substantial amount of skin from my arm. Turns out those myths and tales of flesh eating chemicals? Yeah, they were fucking true. See, I washed it off as it started burning, and I didn't think anything of it... at all. Until a blister appeared. I'm a first aider so I should know what to do in a situation where a burn has occurred due to a chemical and a blister is forming... well, I should. I kind of forgot about what to do... so I kind of gave up.

I know that putting cold water/ice is one of the worst things you can do when it comes to this... you have to bring the core temperature of the affected area back to normality. It wasn't a cold chemical by any means. I actually felt my skin burning. It was... quite painful, to say the least. It was as if my skin was bubbling and my nerves were bouncing around under my skin. Think about it. Wince, and relax.

Anyway, I washed the shit off my arm with warm water and then the water started heating up... so I cooled it down... then I turned the hot up for a little, then I turned it up too much. The long story short is after about thirty minutes I got it at a nice cool temperature. I got it nicely cool, it wasn't insanely hurting, then a customer came. I grabbed a paper towel and started dabbing the blister to dry it off. I did so, served the customer, then about 800 came!

Oh for fuck sakes.

Anyway, we dealt with them. Next thing I know? I went to get changed into my normal clothes and it suddenly hit me. About three inches of skin from my right arm was missing! That's when I realised that I had a bit of a problem... though I couldn't quite place what it was. I reviewed the facts, then I had a strange sense of loss. Eventually I hit on it... I was missing three inches of skin from my right arm! I ignored it and figured it would go away.

It did! By the time I got home, about five inches of skin was missing! Yay! More skin went away! I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be going to the hospital about this about now... but I just can't be arsed. It's only about six inches at the moment. I went in the bath and let me tell you... that shit is painful!

The moral of the story is this: Don't ever take chemicals lightly. I almost blew myself up once just experimenting with a science kit. To be fair I was 14 and the one thing you must never do to an oversexed teenager is say 'don't'. And when it says don't mix chemical a with chemical b and doesn't give a reason... oversexed 14 year old mixes chemical a with chemical b and comes up with a more stable nitro-glycerine (and nitro-glycerine isn't stable at all...)... Thump goes boom.

When Thump goes boom, as does the house that is about being demolished. I stand by the fact that I was helping the demolition team... at least that's what I said when my friends asked how my clothes got big burn holes in them, they asked even more when they realised that I had this curious green chemical stain all over me.

I digress, I'm vaguely used to chemical burns as I'm always dabbling with them, but this is probably one of the worst I've had. I've been burnt from explosions before (I swear you could train the Russian army with those bloody chemical sets) but I've never been directly burnt by a chemical, I'm pretty impressed by the battle scar it'll leave. I think it looks pretty uber as it is, unfortunately, the pain it brings to me is quite agonising. So what does the incredibly intelligent Thump do?

He pours straight antiseptic onto the affected area. Now, on the back of the Dettol packaging happens to state what it can be used for. It also says: 'Do not use undiluted'. It is for cuts, grazes, bites and stings. It can be used for midwifery, too! It can be used to wash floors, sinks and other random things around the house. It can be used for general bathing, can get rid of dandruff and can even get rid of spots and pimples! But not burns... as any first aider knows: ointments, creams, antiseptics and other such materials should never be used for a burn.

Does it stop me?

I'm not going to tell you the answer. If you can't figure it out from what I've already told you, I think you should go and insert your head into the nastiest and most painful thing you can actually imagine.

Anyway, if somebody tells you that a chemical is in actual fact a flesh eating monster? Chances are it actually is. Believe me, I now have first hand experience. It's actually quite scary, but I'm pretty sure the antiseptic has destroyed the flesh eating bacteria that was contained within the evil stew is now dead... with any luck. If not? Eight inches of skin should be missing when I leave for college in the morning.