Hallow's Eve is nigh upon us. Prepare. (30/10/06)

The night of the witches is here, and with it? The night of the biggest conspiracy in Britain to include a large explosion and the death of a man... Guy Fawkes.

This is my favourite month. Why? Simple! I get to scare the holy living shit out of kids and smack heads who just can't work for a living! Yay! In most places you get young children knocking on your door saying "Trick or treat!" or singing some tune or rhyme which is only ever remembered by said children. Those children are also dressed up as something scary... like a ghost, or a monster, or that guy out of Scream.

Even better, you walk to the local off license for a couple of drinks of some good old hearty Guinness and you see a group of children huddle around a doll that they have spent months working on and perfecting, only turning at the last minute to politely ask (in perfect synchronisation and chorus, I might add!): "Penny for the guy?".

However, Newcastle isn't most places. We get teenagers coming to the door with weapons saying: "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!". Then we go around the corner to the local off license for a bottle of Bella Brusco (cheap wine, for those of you not 'in da no') for your bratty younger brother/sister/local idiot and see some guy lying comatose in front of the bus stop, not sure whether it was the alcohol or the beaten he just took, you look at him for a while. Then you realise the raving lunatic running around in circles screaming: "AMBULANCE FOR THE GUY! AMBULANCE FOR THE FUCKING GUY! Hey! Give me a smoke! No? AMBULANCE FOR THE GUY!".

Of course, technology also has its breakthrough this month. Due to the advent of .mp3 playing mobile phones, we now have backing music to the mystical art of begging! Nothing like a bit of electronic music to remind us how pathetic these pricks really are. Thank you, Apple, I hope you realise you started all this off. You're to blame. You're the one we should be trying to blow up, not some parlimentary building in London. Couple of sticks of Nitro-Glycerine should do the trick, if not? Oh well, plenty more sticks of Nitro-Glycerine to go!

I'll tell you how low people are in my area. Two years ago a kid (he was about 9) had his head smacked against the bus shelter for the sake of what he had in his Guy's hat. If it was a substantial amount of money, I wouldn't have been as concerned, but it was about 70p... The kid had his nose broken for 70p. How stupid is that?

Anyway, on my way home from my Nana’s today I got off the bus to change over to the next only to be taunted by repetitious squealing: "PENNY FOR THE GUY, PENNY FOR THE GUY, PENNY FOR THE GUY, PENNY FOR THE GUY, PENNY FOR THE GUY". Repeat that in a monotone voice seven or eight times and you'll realise how much I wanted to throw this girl under the bus wheels. I decided to be nice, though. There was six of them. Four males, two... things. I think those 'things' were trying to be female, though I'm never sure... wait, maybe they were female? I don't know.

I, once more, digress.

I decided to be nice, as I said. And I did what they asked. I gave Guy a penny and told the girls that if they were to even attempt to take it from him, he'd come back and haunt them after it was set on fire. They didn't believe me, so I told them that it's why we celebrate Bonfire Night. So we can purify his spirit and keep him out of our world... they bought it.

INTERLUDE:

These girls were at least 14. Not young, but idiots all the same.

END INTERLUDE

My favourite party gag that I do to trick or treater’s is either one of the following:

Urinate on them.

Vomit on them.

Choke them.

Intimidate them.

Cover myself in fake blood (I'd use real blood but apparently six year old brothers are people too and I can't kill him :( ).

Tell them to fuck off.

Hurl objects of all different sizes in their faces, just for the hell of it.

In fact, you must boycott all trick or treater’s! Next year, when they come around you must tell them to trick you. Pass this around your neighbourhood. That way, by the time the end of the night comes? They'll be fresh out of ideas and they'll go home with empty pockets.

This you must do. For the sake of all people with a shred of dignity left in their bodies.

Fight against the ToTers!