From this day forward I shall join the women in their hatred of beards. (05/12/06)

Recently I took up a shaving strike due to the fact that I'm absolutely petrified of the razor we have. It's one of the first style razors to come out, y'know the ones that take cut-throat razors as refills? Yeah, them. Every time I shave I have to drink two pints of water to compensate for the blood loss. Now, this wouldn't be a bad thing if I happened to be a suicidal masochistic emo... but as it happens? I'm not.

The problem with these razors is that you can't win. When they're sharp you have to have the correct angle to get any hair off of your face at all, if you move it 1 degree in the wrong direction? Odin help you, because you'll fucking bleed to death, my friend. When they're blunt? They just take the skin off of half of your face. So, imagine my excitement when I realise that we still haven't bought any new razors!

Anyway! Last time I shaved was almost a week ago. If you're still wondering why, read the last paragraph, then send me your home address and correct postage and packaging fee and I'll send it out to you. So what if I go to prison sentenced with Manslaughter? At least I would have proven my point, right?

I had a Varg Vikerness style beard at one point, y'know, the goatee type things but only on your chin? Yeah, I looked pretty damn hardcore. I looked like a pimp if I left my sideburns to grow (which I often did). Now, the difference between my Varg beard and sideburns and a full on beard? The Varg beard and sideburns didn't itch half as much as this.

Come to think of it, nowhere I've shaved on my body has ever been this itchy... and I've shaved a lot. I used to shave my pubes on a regular basis (Cut down the forest so you can see the tree) and my girlfriend made me shave my chest and my armpits. So far the armpits were probably the worst. I was told to splash cold water on them to numb the itching. I did!

Nothing happened.

I was told that an ice cube would help.

It made me cold.

I was then told by Steph (cousin) that I should try Vaseline. I did!

It made both of my armpits greasy as hell and fucking uncomfortable... to make matters worse it still didn't numb the itch.

On the beard though... shit, I've tried everything. Calamine lotion, E45 cream, Vaseline, cold water, ice cold water, ice cubes, water at room temperature, tepid water, warm water, hot water, boiling hot water, naked flame, a mixture of all above, lava, 12-gauge shotgun, muffler from a Harley, electro-shock therapy, neodymium magnets and piranha fish. So far it succeeded in making me lose interest in pain of all shapes and sizes.

Jesus, it got so bad at one point that I even tried going to a Fondue party! It didn't do much, but it did help me pull off my Freddy Krueger impersonation.

I looked like a young Sven Goran Erikkson.

I seriously don't fucking get why the hell anybody would want a beard! I know a couple with them and sure, they pull it off. I never see them scratching or anything (unlike me who is currently tearing my face to shreds in order to remove my nerves), so I come to the conclusion that I'm allergic to facial hair on my jaw bone and the best part of my cheek!

I would wash the damned thing if it was long enough!

However my face does feel fluffy and soft... like a kittens! :3