When sexual frustration meets ugly porn (27/12/06)

I'm becoming bored of my porn. It's horrifying, believe me. Though I don't have much porn anymore, I found my sexy porn disk with sexy porn (unfortunately it's mainly lesbian, and I'm into the hardcore penetration including extra woman for full effect) but it still only allowed me to collect 1.45GB of porn. Still quite sad in consideration.

Anyway, before my internet went down I downloaded some porn from a mysterious website that only a select group of internet terrorists can access. I don't know the name of the woman in it, but she's Swedish (I think...) and her first name is Lenka... and her second name is known to me only as 'G'. She must be a Rapper.

I think this is good porn! The woman in it is fucking hot! At least big C tits (*spLUEge*) and she has one of the best figures I've seen in a long time; what I'm trying to say is: I'd tap this shit without consideration... but don't let my girlfriend know. Best part about the whole thing is that the man in it? He's uglier than purified sin mixed in with a little bit of your Granny. Yeah, your Granny.

His mouth (when fully open) stretches beyond the horizons and his upper jaw becomes singed with the heat of the atmosphere bearing down on him. He bashed his head on the moon the other day because he yawned a little bit too liberally. I'm telling you, it's fucking huge (his mouth, his dick is relatively big; but his mouth > his dick)! To make matters worse? He has a forest growing on his brow.

Fucking seriously.

He was fucking this Lenka girl, right? Then he spasmed (You know that tingly feeling you get down your spine when you're just getting to the: "OH GOD SEX IS FUCKING GREAT!" stage?) and a fucking Bald Eagle flew out! Bird shit all over his fucking nose - which is equally as big, I might add. Think of a Jew, right? No, no Jews... think of a pick axe, right? A really big pick axe with snot hanging off of it and bird shit on it. You have his nose.

But this fucking pick axed nosed bastard... doesn't use his nose! I don't think he realises that air is free (lolololol). Oh no, he doesn't need his nose... he has his big... gaping... darkened abyss only known to us mortals as a mouth. It's actually quite terrifying. If he was a wolf you could hear him breathing around the fucking world. Through clenched teeth he sucks the air from the room, and the noise is deafening... when he reaches climax (which appears to be every other minute or so) he, naturally, breathes heavier; at which point the Earth's atmosphere turns a slightly lighter shade of blue.

But, once you've put his better assets aside (...what?) and you look at him as an artist... you realise his body is made up of shapes! Now, I know you're supposed to do that anyway... circle for the joints, ovals for the arms, legs etc. but that shit never worked for me, so we won't get into that. Really though; his torso is made up of an inverted triangle, his head is a rectangle and his dick is (believe it or not) a fucking triangle. My fucking sword isn't as pointed as his ding dong!

It's funny... the look she gives him when she realises she has to spread her legs for him... I think it's supposed to say "I'm sexy, I'm seductive. You want my vagina." and if you look at just the shot of her face, it may say that! ...but once you see the pick axed nosed bastard? All it says is "I should have called in sick today...".

So, the reason I began writing this was to inform everybody of my recent acquisition of a certain video editing program... which I've been playing with for the past couple of weeks. It's quite fun, really. I heard somebody once say that if you replace the word 'sword' with 'penis', DragonForce become a lot more interesting. Well, I tried it with the video of 'Through the Fire and the Flames'.

I searched through my porn to find an appropriate penis... well, five penii. Five appropriate penii. Two for drumsticks, two for guitars and one for a microphone. Let's just say that I took the term (used only by professional guitarists and musicians alike) "Fretwanking" to a whole new level. Especially when I realised that I'd actually got the money shot of one of the penii ejaculating by fluke (I won't call it a mistake because it added to the hilarity). What did I do? Moved it to the high note and watched as Herman Li blew his load all over Sam Totman as he finished swigging his drink.

However, I decided all this work of video editing and straining towards professionalism was a little too ambitious and that I hadn't done anything small and beginner like... did it stop me? Yes, as a matter of fact it did.

I rubbed the pick axed nosed bastard's head out of every shot it was visible. Frame. By. Fucking. Frame. Still not content, what did I decide on doing? I ran the sound through the channels, so the pick axed nosed bastard were going through the left channel and ambient noise/Lenka were going through the right channel. That was about a days work right there... what was the point of this? Well, my left speaker is further away from me and has a 17" monitor in it's way, so it'll take the sound waves longer to travel to me.

Bollocks. I did it so I can erase him from the porn entirely.

BUT! I had a better idea!

After being horrified by the sight of a good looking, young, nubile woman being fucked by a headless triangle, I decided to use some face replacement therapy on the .avi files. I got the head of Joey DeMaio (a really corny shot off of Hell on Earth Part 1 from the bonus section) and pasted it on the headless porn star. Now, again this was all frame by frame... I started doing this about a month ago... and it's finally reached completion! However, it's a bit strange watching a static .PNG image smiling at me while its body fucks a girl... some of the time its head has turned 180 degrees.

But now I can ejaculate in peace, and sleep at night knowing the worlds a better place.