ATTN: Christians. Leave me alone.

Recently I've been getting a lot of emails from a certain group of Christians (I won't make them famous by naming them) who just seem to love me. My spam box has increased in size by a good few hundred emails because of these idiots 'missionary' (harassment) work. It began with them trying to convert me to their wonderful religion by informing me of the life and death of Jesus Christ.

Because I didn't know about him before that.

Anyway, they sent me an email discussing his birth and how I should repent from my heathenish ways. Of course, I gave them a very graphic description about how they can insert their holy bible into a certain orifice and assumed that would be it. But of course, these were Christians... they wouldn't bow down to such thing!

So, I'm sitting here, right? Listening to music and stuff, and then I realise that I have four emails in my GMail box (the one tied to this account). Turns out they had wrote this fucking essay about how I should repent (interspersed with random insults towards both my Odinist morals and many insults towards me as a person) and again the usual "Godless heathen" was thrown in.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand it. I'm religious therefore I worship a God... is it really that difficult to comprehend? So, after the "Godless heathen" count reached it's milestone of 800, I started becoming annoyed:

"Alright, so you're pretty convinced that I'm a Godless heathen, that statement is riddled with falsities. I agree that I am a heathen, yes. After all, Odinism is a heathen religion however to say I am "Godless"? How can a man who worships not one, but an entire planet of them possibly be "Godless"? I can worship Odin (The Allfather), or I can worship Thor (The God of Thunder and War). Perhaps I may decide to worship Baldr, the most beautiful of all the nine worlds... or if you continue to harass me, I will decide to worship Loki.

Loki is not actually a god, however many Odinist's agree that Loki can be considered the God of Mischief; and you really don't want to get me in a mischievous mood, now do you?

Take my advice and do not email me again."

Of course, how could they resist? Many people decide on giving up because I am simply determined to annoy the holy living hell out of them. This is essentially why I'm typing this out now, because I know for a fact they're going to get all happy that somebody might actually care enough about them to give them free publicity.

Didn't expect me not to name you though, did you fuckers? Also, where's your reply to my last email? Don't like the fact that I've just blown holes in all of your arguments? I'm glad that stupid hippy died, he brought nothing to this world but lies and torment. Go fight another holy war while I convince Odin to give me the Berserker Rage, that way I can build your crucifixes quicker.

Secrets of Sexual Seduction! (21/10/07)

So, a while ago, on a website that does not exist somebody discovered a rather amusing eBay article. "THE SECRETS OF INVISIBILITY!" or something to that effect. Much laughter ensued, and even more laughter as some idiot payed the $25 for it... but it came with bonuses! Yay! Eight eBooks in total, one of which about the true, undisputed facts of invisibility, six about sex, and one about talking to animals. Now, we won't bother with Invisibility, simply because... well, because it's physically impossible. We also won't talk about the Dr. Dolittle shit because... well, because it's absolute shit.

However! The true unedited secrets of sexual seduction can not be hidden from our mortal, material plain! Oh no!

With my internet down, and boredom ensuing, I have decided to dig around my eBook folder (and even organise my musical eBook folder! Which currently stands at 83.6MB...) and I came across a folder named "INVISIBLE MAGIC"... the fuck? Oh, I remember! To hell with it, I've got about four hours to waste before doing nothing, why the hell not? So, though I had every intention to read (and even teach!) myself the secrets of invisibility, I noticed the Secrets of Sexual Seduction!

I read it, o my brothers. I read it good.

I wasted a good hour or so reading the history of mankind (no joke, it's about half of the .txt file) and eventually began trying to gouge my eyes out with my USB drive. I skipped the rest of it. Anyway, I came to the nitty gritty stuff, about how to pick up women and fuck them!

Now, what I propose to do is to actually break down the parts of it that made me laugh, exclaim 'what the fuck?' and even contemplate gouging said eyes out with a USB drive. Bit... by fucking bit. Don't worry, I've only read about three quarters of it, so I'm probably just going to skim the rest of this particular one (remember, there's five more .txt files which may or may not be promptly deleted, I might actually consider keeping them on my hard drive, wasting my valuable bytes).

...And so began the torment.

At this point in the 'story', the idiot (the author) has talked about how women came to have flexible pelvis' and how new borns have flexible skulls (apparantly to prevent against Darwin's theory of 'natural selection' which is essentially people dying of natural causes [IE: Childbirth, cancer, flu, excessive drug use etc.]) and so forth. It talks about evolution and genetics, how we have had our positive traits passed down to our offspring through generations.

Please note: I have not done any research for any of this, nor do I intend to. It's a fucking blog, get over it.

But if natural selection can be held accountable for squishy-headed babies
and flexible female pelvis's, women’s orgasms and outright refusal of sexual
advances... what beneficial traits could men bring to the table to increase
survival of the new human species? There were 7.

Color blindness, left handedness, baldness, difference of height, difference
of hair & skin colors, homosexuality and artistic ability.

That's right. Colour blindness is a positive trait. As is being left handed (Which proves Hitler wrong, apparantly), being bald, being of a different height, hair and skin colours and that's right, even homosexuality and artistic ability is a positive trait! Now, I can see how artistic ability is a positive trait... without it, we wouldn't have developed language (unless you consider a series of grunts language), art, music or anything else for that matter. Until this point, I was actually taking this pretty seriously... or at least trying to.

Now, according to the idiots theory, the colour blind (which is considered a disability in todays society) can see what people [who see colour fine] can't! Genius! Apparantly, the colour blind man who sees blues and/or greens as shades of grey, can see the animal they're hunting fine! Haha!

However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.

The left handedness helps because not all of the spears/rocks will be thrown by a right hand! Clever shit is at work! That means that the Deer won't be able to escape the barrage of spears/rocks coming from both RIGHT and LEFT hands!

However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.

The Baldness helps in the way that the Deer becomes familliar with those funny, two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads (This was almost word for word), and they associate those two legged mammals with the big ball of fuzz on the top of those pumpkin shaped heads with death, naturally. However, the Deer doesn't understand that, although it's the same two legged mammal with the same pumpkin shaped head that it might kill it! Because he's bald, you see.

Difference of height is a positivie trait because all the arrows will be thrown at different heights! Because humans could never (we still can't, you know?) aim our arrows and spears. The tall guy throws his spear just over the top of the Deer, the short guy throws it just underneath the Deer! What about the guy who is around average height? He gets the kill, apparantly.

However, this is 2007. If we want some meat, we usually go down to the supermarket.

Homosexuality... hah, this is a good one. He's the only one out of the hunting party who has a 'favourite rock' for a start, and how is homosexuality a positive trait? I love this bit, personally. Because the fag has no kids to provide for! ...instead he has probably one of the largest families known to the primitave human race. So what he kills, he is then forced to share out between his brother who has a shitload of kids, his sister who just can't keep her legs shut, his mother (his father died last winter due to a fever) and all the old people who can't hunt (and of course the artists and priests who are even faggier than the actual homosexual guy).

Artistic ability was already covered in the first paragraph on this section and I'm not typing up more than I have to.

Women are everywhere but some men complain that they can’t find women to
date. Maybe he works in a small office or lives in a small town or only has
a small circle he travels in and women aren't around. These men are dead
wrong.


This is wrong, there is absolutely no woman in my room right now, therefore women are not everywhere, as is pointed out in this eBook.

He thinks ‘She's so good looking that she must have a boyfriend. She must
have endless dates. She wouldn't be interested in a guy like me. She'll
say no and I'll be playing the fool again.’ So he watches her walk away and
does nothing.

The pain and fear of rejection stops some men from trying and the dream
becomes the reality. She won't say yes because he never asked her.

at stake.", see the difference?

For this next part, I don't think I'll comment (unless it's due) because... well, just fucking read it. If any man does this, he's whipped beyond imagination and has a universally sized thumb print slap bang in the middle of his forehead. It's also interesting to note that this is where I stopped reading.

WARNING: WALL OF FUCKING TEXT

TIPS FOR A BETTER HOME:

Maybe it's time to move. If you live in a bad section of town or your
apartment is a hole, look around town and try to find nicer digs. If she
has to worry about her car parked outside, she may worry about you too.

Buy 2 bottles of wine, one white and one red and keep them in your (clean)
refrigerator for her. Have a few bottles of water in the fridge, too.

Put a small bowl of apples on the kitchen table.

Get 1 or 2 nice houseplants and don't let them die.

Buy a box of tampons and a box of feminine napkins. Sooner or later a woman
will need them. Buy condoms.

Buy a few vanilla candles and light them before you go out.

Use light bulbs no brighter than 60 watts and a couple of table lamps at 40
watts are even better. Overhead lights are to be avoided. You don’t want
her to think she's visiting a hospital.

Take down any picture, poster or wall hanging that has a nude woman or
fashion model on it. It’s your home, not a college dorm. For that matter,
take down any picture or poster that's not professionally framed. If you
really like it, have it framed.

Buy a CD that's a compilation of slow instrumental pieces and have it ready
to play at low volume.

If your windows don't have shades or curtains get them and put them up. She
won't take off her clothes in front of open windows.

Buy 2 new bathrobes, a dark color for you and bright white for her. She'll
know that hers is clean by the brightness of it.

Get a clean trashcan for the kitchen that has a lid. Empty it daily.

Put a waste can in the bathroom and keep it empty.

Have a few bars of unwrapped soap ready near the shower.

Buy a new toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste and keep them in your
bathroom, unopened and ready for her.

If you have a home office, straighten it out. Buy a plastic organizer and
file those papers away and put them all out of sight.

If you have a cat, empty that cat box and buy some rug deodorizer. That cat
has pissed in every corner of every room and you know it.

If you have a dog, shampoo it. Old Red smells like crap.

All of your clothes are on hangers or folded away in drawers. No
exceptions.

Clean every mirror, every faucet and wash any floor that doesn't have a
carpet on it.

If you smoke, keep only one ashtray and throw the others away. Buy vanilla
air freshener and use it.

Open every window and let fresh air in at every opportunity.

Get a clothes hamper with a lid and use it. If it's been worn and it’s
dirty, it's in the hamper. No exceptions.

If you have an aquarium make sure there’s no dead fish and no algae growing
on the glass.

If you have pet mice, hamsters, gerbils or a pet snake get rid of them!
They stink and most women think they're creepy.

Clean your coffee pot and have coffee ready to brew.

Buy a small collection of flavored teas. Most women love tea.

Buy a small bag of Hershey’s kisses and keep them in the freezer. Women
LOVE chocolate! Thaw as needed.

Hide all pornography & adult videos. Really hide them. No woman wants to
look for her shoe under your bed and find your sticky smut.

Paint the walls and ceilings. Take down a picture off the wall and take a
look. If there's a shadow left behind your walls are in bad shape. Paint them.

TIPS FOR A BETTER CAR:

Empty your ride of all trash. Clean your windows, seats and carpets. If
your car has Mardi Gras beads, bobbing-headed dogs, fuzzy dice or any other
crap hanging inside lose them! You look like a fool. You’re car should be
comfortable, clean and inviting. Anything less and she’ll think less of you.
Same thing goes with bumper stickers. She won't think they're funny and
she'll think you’re an adolescent. Take them off with soapy water and a
razorblade.

If your cell phone doesn’t take pictures, keep a disposable or digital
camera in your car. Women love having their picture taken, even if they deny
it.

Pimp your ride. You don’t need $2k rims but add some flash inside. Flash
means cash and you’ll look more affluent. A DVD player, a decent music
system and small dash lights adds excitement to your car.

Keep 2 large clean blankets in a plastic bag in your trunk. You can’t have
sex in the woods or on a deserted beach at midnight without them. Keep a
huge umbrella for 2 on the back floor of your car or in your trunk. Sharing
an umbrella in the pouring rain is hot and romantic! Buy a medium sized
pair of women’s black shorts and a medium sized black tee-shirt and store
them wrapped in plastic in your car’s trunk. Someday, somehow she may need
a fresh pair of clothes. Store 3 tampons and 3 feminine napkins in a clean
plastic bag in your trunk along with a new, unused hairbrush. Condoms
don’t last long in the car. The latex breaks down from excessive heat. If
it’s been a while, refresh the condoms in your car.

Always suggest that the both of you sit in the back seat when parking. It’s
far more romantic and there’s no steering wheel or console to hinder you.

She NEVER reaches under the seat and finds another woman’s panties. NEVER!

Use a good deodorizer in your car. Keep it out of sight under the seats.
Unless she’s a smoker, don’t smoke in the car with her… she hates the smell
and may end up hating you.

Drive like an adult when you're driving with her. Don't speed, run lights
or yell insults at other drivers.

Never, EVER allow an open beer in your car. The police will arrest you and
take your car away. If she wants to drink a beer pull over and both of you
get out and drink it outside of the car. Throw the empty away. Don't ruin
your life because she has a set of boobs.

Store a few large clean towels in your trunk inside a plastic bag. She
won’t go skinny dipping if you don’t have towels.

Normal men lead normal lives. No pirate flag on the antenna.

If your car seats are stained or dirty, buy seat covers and fresh floor
mats.

Fix the AC and the heater. She won't be turned on if she's sweating or
freezing to death.

If your car is in really bad shape, consider renting a car before picking
her up for your date.

If you like to smoke weed, leave it at home. Cops love it when their K-9
dog starts barking at your window. They REALLY love it. Potheads are
stupid by nature and the cops know that they'll find pipes, papers, clips,
seeds and roaches inside the car. Get rid of it, you fool!

Always remind her to put on her seat belt. You’re a responsible guy!
(Plus, the shoulder belt divides her boobs and shows them off nicely!)

Don’t crank the tunes! Keeping the music low let’s you talk. Save the 110
db for your bros.

Keep 30 or 40 clean facial napkins in your glove box. She can use them if
she has to pee in the woods. If you’re traveling, every 90 minutes or so
ask her if she needs to stop at a rest area ‘to check her smile’ or freshen
up. Women always have to pee and are sometimes embarrassed to ask to stop.

Don’t fart in your car. Pull over, pop the hood and tell her you’re
checking the radiator. Leave the motor running and fart at the front of the
car with the hood up. If you have to take an emergency piss, pee behind
your car. A real man can hold his urine so try not
to make emergency pee stops a habit.

Getting oral sex while you’re driving is hot but be sure you can easily
reach the break pedal with your pants down. Nothing ruins car sex quicker
than smashing into the car in front of you. If she’s not going to swallow,
tell her to hold your penis tight against your belly when you come so you
don’t spray her hair, the interior of you car, your carpets, seats or your
clothing. If you’re going to have intercourse in the car, use the back seat
and open the rear passenger door to give you both extra leg-room.

She won’t bend over and have sex on the fenders or lay naked on the hood of
your car if your car is dirty, so visit a car wash. Most modern cars are
made of thin metal. Will your hood hold the weight of both of you without
denting or caving in? Hoods get hot so check for heat first.

When you’re with your woman in the car always ignore pretty women walking on the street or in other cars around you.

I love how the idiot says "Potheads are stupid by nature", did this fucker stop and consider the fact that they may be a little slow because of the pot they're smoking? (At this point I'm actually just scanning what I can see in Wordpad) Also, what if you're serious about the girl? Surely she'll see the car you drive at some point? Remember never to ask if she would like to"stop at a rest area to 'check her smile'" as it leads to immediate removal of testes. As for the facial napkins... they have that shit to stop grease and to clean grease from your facial pores... shouldn't imagine it'd work to well on a vagina, it might actually be helpful if your woman is in fact a man, as I've never met a women who admits to needing to urinate in the woods.

Don't fart in your car! Instead, stop the car, pop the hood (So what if you're on a motorway?) and run the fuck around to the front while screeching "I NEED TO CHECK THE RADIATOR! IT MIGHT BE HOT!" and then fart. Only after the gas has passed your cheeks may you return to your vehicle. And REAL men can go for fucking days without pissing! Oh, you can't? Well, you must be a fag.

Also, when recieving oral sex while driving, for the love of christ, don't just unzip and unbutton! Pull your pants down like a real man! Nothing like shit stains on your drivers seat (Note: Give this a miss if your car is rented). When you're about to ejaculate, remember to get it all over yourself, as you really wouldn't want to get any of it on her (Note: If your woman isn't prepared to swallow your man juice while giving head, she probably won't give you head while you're driving, or give you head at all, for that matter)! When you're fucking your woman, use the backseat! You do this for a couple of different reasons:

1- So you don't feel violated by your gearstick
2- Because there's more room!
3- So you don't accidently hit the accelerator pedal in the throes of passion and drive into that police car parked infront of you.

And always remember to open the back passenger door! You're committing a crime as it is, might as well give yourself some extra legroom while you're at it! Who cares if somebody decides to pull you and your lover out of the car and drive away, leaving you both naked and needing a piss in the middle of nowhere?

There is actually one paragraph I removed from there... simply because it was fucking worth it. The parts you should read are bolded.

Women aren’t usually good at driving while being fingered. If she’s trying
to concentrate on driving, it may stop her from having an orgasm. Suggest
that she pull over first.

This shit is even better. Something that many Brits (including me) should take serious note of! That's right! It's dental hygeine time!

So, now you have a new, firm toothbrush, a bottle of H2O2, whitening gel,
stain removing toothpaste, a tooth pick, an electric polisher, a whitening
toothpaste and whitening chewing gum. You're ready to bleach and whiten
your teeth.

...or you could just buy a cheap toothbrush, whitening gel and some whitening toothpaste. I was actually going to post what was next (a 24 step guide on how to brush your teeth with all that shit).

I was actually going to skim the rest of this shit and post points that caught my interest... but then I realised I had about a third of it left... and it's basically all metrosexual shit after that... about hair... and make up (Yes, that's right. Men wearing make up outside of Glam Rock). It talks about how to paint a six pack onto yourself using foundation or eyeliner... that is where I stopped reading and deleted the file. If you want a woman that badly? Chances are you just need a 9mm Painkiller, or a love hug from a rope handily tied to your light.

What Thump has learned: Homosexuality will eventually die out because all the fags do for us is give us (and their fucking huge family) food, therefore they are just a fad of modern lifestyle.

Vista? (20/10/07)

I began using Vista the other day and I've gotta say... I actually like it! I was going to post a Vista related article when I installed it but I decided to give it more than a couple of hours usage to fuck itself up. I basically knew at some point or another my C: drive would be formatted because of a Vista related problem which is why I pulled out all of my Windows disks (Windows 95, 98, 2000 [Pro, Server, Adv. Server], XP [Home Retail, Home OEM, Home Upgrade, Pro Retail, Pro OEM, Pro Corp, Pro Upgrade, Media Center]... and more) and decided to go ahead and install.

Now, just a quick overview because I'm really not in the mood for typing.

-Visual

Visually this version of Windows is so fucking sleek. The functionality of OS X with hints of Linux (Mint, mainly) thrown in here and there. People have said this is a bad thing, but for a Linux fan like myself, this is by far the best idea Windows has came out with for a long time.

-Useability (Is that even a word?)

It's very easy to use, and very easy to adapt to. I got immediately used to it and it took just over a day to adapt from the transition between XP and Vista (Slight changes have made an impact), now everytime I use an XP (or lower) based system, it feels wierd. Seriously, I keep clicking the 'programs list' expecting it to come up in the start menu (Think of Linux Mint only a bit more advanced). Again, a simple change that takes you back a little from XP... it comes quite unexpected, to be honest. But on the same note, it reminds you just how easy it was to get XP cluttered up (not saying this will be any different, of course, but that's yet to come for me). The 'gadgets' (They're fucking Widgets. The idea was ripped straight from the OS X kernel and recoded for Windows) are pretty handy too, but it has a tendency to get annoying after a couple of hours (unless you have the right gadgets installed).

-Speed

Vista outpaces XP on almost any machine. Some of you might know that I run a pretty low end system (1.60Ghz CPU, 512MB RAM, 20GB Master, 60GB Slave, 80GB Slave) and Vista still runs better than XP did! I had written Vista off the same way as I wrote Beryl off for Linux (With Beryl I was fucking right, though), meaningless eye candy and transparancy effects which lead to ridiculous amounts of CPU/Memory usage... but even then, my CPU regularly meets with the 100% bar on my "CPU Usage" gadget, and Vista doesn't even flinch! Which brings me onto the topic of...

-Memory Usage

Vista DOES use a lot of resources, yes, but only in the same way an ethiopian digests a McDonalds 'meal'. Unless you're running less than 1Ghz, your computer is probably going to struggle unless of course your RAM is pretty weighty. If you have a lot of RAM, you might have a bit of stuttering, but apart from that it'll probably run fine. It's most definately not a case of "The reccomended specs are what you NEED". It's actually quite versatile (Not as versatile as say... a Valve game, but versatile all the same). The page/swap file works like a fucking dream too. I haven't YET had any lag! Even when a program stops responding, you can still fuck around on anything else instead of having it sitting on your screen until Windows decides to close it down (as is the case with XP).

-Gaming

I've read a couple of different problems with Gaming on Vista, but I've always assumed that it's due to the system specs/hardware errors. Well, I played Portal and HL2 Episode 1 on my computer and hey, guess what? Runs fine. Perhaps I gain a few jagged edges (on occassion) and sometimes it takes a minute or so to load up a level... but that's it. In fact, on Portal the reflective mats actually became reflective on Vista! I gained graphics! I know, sounds insane, but it happened. I checked all my settings and they all came back exactly the same. No effect on my games.

-Useability (Seriously, is that even a word?) Part 2

There is a couple of SERIOUS problems I have with Vista, though. For example, the "User Account Control" which actually prompted me (the only user on this computer making me by default the system admin) to prove my administrative rights to enter My Documents. I found a program called "Vispa" which is a tweak, basically... it let me turn it off! Only to have it come back with a vengence a couple of days later. "Do you really want to open this .exe file you found in your download folder? I mean, it could be anything! Malware? Y'know, Windows Defender would help with that. WD will defend against malware, you should activate it. Oh, and you should activate automatic updates. You don't need your remaining 6GB of space... give it to Windows. Go on.". That is what I feel it's asking me whenever I open something. In fact it actually just comes up "Would you like to open this file?" while using a black filter on the screen and having a single prompt in the center of the screen. Doesn't sound like much, but it's annoying after ten minutes.

Another problem is another annoying one. My Caps Lock key keeps getting stuck. Now, I use shift for almost everything nowadays, but there still comes a time when I need to/randomly hit the Caps Lock key, and when I do it usually gets stuck... and it takes about six or seven jabs at it to get it off again. Yeah, it gets annoying, but it seems to be random. It isn't every time I turn Caps on.

-Overall

I think that Vista is the best Windows to come out (so far, at least). It seems sturdy and reliable, and may in fact be (though it has a long way to prove itself).

Get it and find out for yourself. I don't think you'll be disapointed.

UPDATE:

The sticky caps key problem? Yeah, not a problem with Vista at all. Turns out that my keyboard had been dropped at some point (It basically lives on the floor. Especially when I'm composing) and the casing had came apart on the right side of the keyboard, slight enough for me not to notice it. This problem was fixed by me picking up the keyboard and hearing a click.

That's right. I'm damn technical.

Pipex? Pipex?! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX?! (17/10/07)

So, a lot of you might know that I got my internet back in the form of Pipex, now, when I told people about this a lot of them laughed. Hard. Why did they laugh? It's an ISP that is giving me 8mb DSL at a reasonable price!

...Or so I thought.

First couple of days we were connected with them, my 8mb connection fucking owned! Awesome, sexy fast downloads... and then one day my soundcard said "lol no" and my XP blue screened the fuck out of me. "Never worry," I said, "I'll change ports and it'll work great!". And work it did! However, when I restarted the computer I connected at 7.5mb... strange, right? Not to be deterred I continued using it for a good month or two, watching as my speed dwindled to 4mb (it usually was levelled at around 5... but I was paying for 8mb, dammit!) and as Pipex raided our bank account (£100 in a month) when they felt like it.

It came to a point where we had given up with Pipex, we were sick of being ripped the fuck off by them... so we searched for different ISPs. Remember, we live in a non-cable area, so Virgin seemed out of the question. We went through so many different ISPs (and discovered Pipex was part of the Tiscali service... which failed because we were looking at Tiscali to take over our ISP), looking at places that charged well over £100 for home broadband services... lulz.

Finally I said "Fuck it, Virgin has non cable, we'll win with Virgin!".

As usual, we waited for an activation date... which we assumed would come by post, instead, it came through via email about 45 minutes later! "Holy fuck!" Thought I, as my penis jiggled with sheer delight! If they're this quick on the activation, I'm certain they'll be quick when it comes to sending out the modem and disk!

No.

When Pipex finally shut down our ISP and our Virgin equpment had still not arrived... I had a brainwave! "We're using a Wireless Router... all we need is the server information and I can manually input it into the router!"... this is around the time we phoned tech support.

I set up our router to Virgin Media (Just basic set up, gave it our username and password, told it we were on Virgin etc.) and it worked... up until Google, at least. It felt great to search Google. Going through all the cache's... man, words can't describe how jiggly my penis got when I looked through all those cache's... damn. But the second I tried to connect to anything other than google? I recieved Firefox's "could not connect to server" page. Great.

So! We phoned tech support! Now, I'll give you a run down of the tech support now, as there are many branches: Virgin Cable, Virgin Non-Cable (Dial Up), Virgin Non-Cable (Broadband) and many, MANY others (Google is your friend). Now, as with all automated services, it was probably the most unhelpful piece of shit concieved by man. Virgin Cable had us on their database and directed us to the generic Non-Cable support which then referred us to a premium rate number (which didn't actually cost that much at all) which was a branch of the Dial-Up service who had us on their database and thusly directed us to the generic Non-Cable BROADBAND support!

Yeah, you guessed it, they didn't have us on their database.

"You'll recieve your modem and installation disk in one to two days!" and that was it! They hung the fuck up! So now I'm getting rather annoyed and decided to phone back for the IP and DNS information... which they gave us, quite happily! But did they help us? Of course they fucking didn't, they wanted us to fucking wait! "Well, what you're talking about is possible, actually. But I've never had a request like this over the phone, I'll direct you to the NC Broadband service now."... wonderful.

Tech: "Hello, Virgin Non-Cable Broadband technical Support, Steve here, how may I help you?"
Me: "Yeah, I want the Virgin Media server information."
Tech: "May I ask why?"
Me: "I can manually set up the router in order to connect to the internet."
Tech: "That won't work."
Me: "Yes it will."
Tech: "No, it won't, you will have to wait for the equipment to arrive, goodb--"
Me: "No, listen to me. That CD does nothing an advanced user can't do. I've been using Microsoft since the days of DOS, I know what I'm talking about. All that CD does is create a network connection and give my computer the server information in order to connect to the internet. It also installs the Speedtouch drivers, which is actually pointless as I don't need a modem, we already have a Wireless Router."
Tech: "And what Router are you using?"
Me: "D-Link Wireless G"
Tech: "Oh, you can't do it on that one."
Me: "I beg your pardon?"
Tech: "The D-Link. What you're saying isn't plausable on that router."
Me: "...are you willing to bet your job it isn't possible?"
Tech: "No."
Me: "Well, are you going to help me?"
Tech: "I don't see how I ca--"
Me: "You can give me the information I need."
Tech: "No, I can't."
Me: "...can I ask how you got this job?"
*manic clicking on the other side of the phone*
Me: "...are... are you playnig Solitaire?"
Tech: "...of course not, I'm working."
Me: "Well then why don't you let me help you work by allowing you to give me the information I need?"
Tech: "Because it can't be done!"
Me: "Yes. Yes it can. And I want the information."
Tech: "Even if it could be done, I couldn't give you the information over the phone."
Me: "You're fucking kidding me right?"
Tech: "I'm not going to respond to foul language."
Me: "Fuck foul language, you can't give me ISP and DNS information over the phone?"
Tech: "No, I can't."
Me: "Alright, then. Can I ask if your server runs on a Linux system?"
Tech: "Yes, it does."
Me: "Great, you've just given me information that is potentially more dangerous than any IP or DNS address." (Yes, this was a bit of a bluff, but if I mentioned "Hacking" and "Linux" while on the phone, I would have shot myself in the foot)
Tech: "No, I haven't."
Me: "You're beginning to bore me. Either give me the information or put me onto somebody who can."
Tech: "I'm sorry we couldn't help you today, goodbye."

It's now saturday and I'm still waiting for that pretty Virgin Media van to pull up with our equipment.

Fail.