I'm Johnny, and I'm a superstar!
So, last week I was on my lunch break (I'm at North Shields doing some eBay thing for the Salvation Army. Work placement.), and I was standing having a smoke. I turned to head back into work when I heard somebody shouting, so naturally, I turned around to look at who was shouting and why. I noticed a scruffy black man walking up to me with his outstretched arm. "Oh shi..." thought I.
"Hello! I'm Johnny," said the dirty black man (I mean that literally. Skinny, greying, beard, teeth as black as his face, he was fucking dirty!) "and I'm a superstar!". Oh fuck, I've attracted a smackhead. Great. "Oh really?" I said. "You couldn't help me out at all, could you?" said Johnny the Superstar. I agreed to help him out if we had a chance to get him a toothbrush and some toothpaste. I'm that kind.
"There's this old girl who lives next door to me, and I help her pay her bills. I was wondering if you had a lend of two pound?" ...he wants me to give him money? And then buy him a toothbrush and some toothpaste?! What the hell kind of concoction flowed through his veins? I told him the truth, I had none as I had just been getting in my store of Ramen noodles. I excused myself by saying "I have to get back to work, you filthy black man. I'll see you on the crucifix." he asked me where I walked, so I told him.
He laughed.
He fucking laughed after he had the audacity to ask me for money! What's so embarrasing about telling a dirty black Superstar that you work doing ICT at a charity shop when said dirty black Superstar is asking you for money? Well, I saw him today... and I ran, my brothers.
I looked next to me to see a young girl running in the same direction, so naturally I thought "Y HELO THAR FEMALE!". We got around the corner and we stopped to catch our breath. As it happens, he's famous! Seriously! Late 80's he hit the big time. I was amazed. After befriending this young female, I wandered back into the high street. "So, what is Johnny famous fo--" I couldn't finish the sentance. Me and the young girl stared straight ahead, turned around and fucking ran! What we saw was scary... think of the Discovery Channel... when the herd of antelope are running from the lion?
A herd of humans were running from Johnny!
His eyes will haunt me until the day I die. He was drooling, his eyes were bloodshot and he had a pound coin hanging out of his nostril. It was terrifying... absolutely terrifying. He tackled an old woman with one of those 'pull-along-trollies' and screamed "HELLO! I'M JOHNNY AND I'M A SUPERSTAR, I ALWAYS HELP THE OLD GI--" he couldn't finish, his attention failed him. He had a reason, though. He was shot by a police officer wielding a tranquiliser gun.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I'M JOHNNY! I'M A SUPERSTAR!" he chased the police officer down and... you can tell what happened here. Me and the young lady I was with were just about to get trampled when down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris, who delivered a kick, which could shatter bones. Into the crotch of... but it was too late. Johnny had recognised Chuck. He realised he could finally get his £2 and chased him down. I have never seen a grown man cry so much. Poor Chuck.
Between his broken breaths and tearful screams I heard him say "THUMP! RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" then he ran. Naturally, I tried to keep up with him. It was impossible. He had a horse which could run faster than I ever could. I suddenly remembered the girl. I ran back, grabbed her and we shared a mushroom, then a flower. I turned into an eight foot tall, fireball wielding maniac... I was indeed a force to be reckoned with. However, Johnny and his Superstar powers were too much for me. I got hit twice so I became the same, skinny, five foot ten, none-fireball wielding male. I ran.
Eventually I stopped and thought "Why don't we just give him £2?", and so it came to be. Johnny got his £2, and the citizens of North Shields will be safe for another 24 hours.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On unrelated notes: No, I do not have my internet back. I'm typing this up in the 30 minutes that my boss is on her lunch break. I only have another ten minutes (roughly) so I have to be quick. I'll update as often as I can, so keep checking back. Unforutnately, I think 'as often as I can' is going to be every week or so.
While I can't continue my webcomic (for now), I decided to take up writing again. I'm working on two different books. One of which is similar to A Clockwork Orange, the other is going way back into the fantasy genre. Though it isn't forced and it's coming on naturally. I'll keep updating as often as I can on both subject matters. I'm definately aiming to get the fantasy themed one published, the other might just be a gift to my friends on the intarweb and will be posted (chapter by chapter) in another blog once I have my internet back up.
Until then, I'll see you all later.
"Hello! I'm Johnny," said the dirty black man (I mean that literally. Skinny, greying, beard, teeth as black as his face, he was fucking dirty!) "and I'm a superstar!". Oh fuck, I've attracted a smackhead. Great. "Oh really?" I said. "You couldn't help me out at all, could you?" said Johnny the Superstar. I agreed to help him out if we had a chance to get him a toothbrush and some toothpaste. I'm that kind.
"There's this old girl who lives next door to me, and I help her pay her bills. I was wondering if you had a lend of two pound?" ...he wants me to give him money? And then buy him a toothbrush and some toothpaste?! What the hell kind of concoction flowed through his veins? I told him the truth, I had none as I had just been getting in my store of Ramen noodles. I excused myself by saying "I have to get back to work, you filthy black man. I'll see you on the crucifix." he asked me where I walked, so I told him.
He laughed.
He fucking laughed after he had the audacity to ask me for money! What's so embarrasing about telling a dirty black Superstar that you work doing ICT at a charity shop when said dirty black Superstar is asking you for money? Well, I saw him today... and I ran, my brothers.
I looked next to me to see a young girl running in the same direction, so naturally I thought "Y HELO THAR FEMALE!". We got around the corner and we stopped to catch our breath. As it happens, he's famous! Seriously! Late 80's he hit the big time. I was amazed. After befriending this young female, I wandered back into the high street. "So, what is Johnny famous fo--" I couldn't finish the sentance. Me and the young girl stared straight ahead, turned around and fucking ran! What we saw was scary... think of the Discovery Channel... when the herd of antelope are running from the lion?
A herd of humans were running from Johnny!
His eyes will haunt me until the day I die. He was drooling, his eyes were bloodshot and he had a pound coin hanging out of his nostril. It was terrifying... absolutely terrifying. He tackled an old woman with one of those 'pull-along-trollies' and screamed "HELLO! I'M JOHNNY AND I'M A SUPERSTAR, I ALWAYS HELP THE OLD GI--" he couldn't finish, his attention failed him. He had a reason, though. He was shot by a police officer wielding a tranquiliser gun.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I'M JOHNNY! I'M A SUPERSTAR!" he chased the police officer down and... you can tell what happened here. Me and the young lady I was with were just about to get trampled when down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris, who delivered a kick, which could shatter bones. Into the crotch of... but it was too late. Johnny had recognised Chuck. He realised he could finally get his £2 and chased him down. I have never seen a grown man cry so much. Poor Chuck.
Between his broken breaths and tearful screams I heard him say "THUMP! RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" then he ran. Naturally, I tried to keep up with him. It was impossible. He had a horse which could run faster than I ever could. I suddenly remembered the girl. I ran back, grabbed her and we shared a mushroom, then a flower. I turned into an eight foot tall, fireball wielding maniac... I was indeed a force to be reckoned with. However, Johnny and his Superstar powers were too much for me. I got hit twice so I became the same, skinny, five foot ten, none-fireball wielding male. I ran.
Eventually I stopped and thought "Why don't we just give him £2?", and so it came to be. Johnny got his £2, and the citizens of North Shields will be safe for another 24 hours.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On unrelated notes: No, I do not have my internet back. I'm typing this up in the 30 minutes that my boss is on her lunch break. I only have another ten minutes (roughly) so I have to be quick. I'll update as often as I can, so keep checking back. Unforutnately, I think 'as often as I can' is going to be every week or so.
While I can't continue my webcomic (for now), I decided to take up writing again. I'm working on two different books. One of which is similar to A Clockwork Orange, the other is going way back into the fantasy genre. Though it isn't forced and it's coming on naturally. I'll keep updating as often as I can on both subject matters. I'm definately aiming to get the fantasy themed one published, the other might just be a gift to my friends on the intarweb and will be posted (chapter by chapter) in another blog once I have my internet back up.
Until then, I'll see you all later.
posted by Thump at 1:31 pm
0 comments
